Hi Jezz – I’m trying to send good vibes your way as I write this.

First off, do not fall for his manipulations. He has already shown you – repeatedly – his TRUE self. As others have mentioned, he is not going to change. Don’t even believe so for a second. Think of him in past tense. He should have little to no part in your future (you have a child with him, so it does make it difficult). If you still need help getting over any lingering feelings, write out everything terrible he did to you as well as how it made you feel. Reference this whenever you feel nostalgia creeping in for the good times/love-bombing times. Beyond this, I highly recommend journalling or having a diary. I have a blog where I write about my life and it’s always fascinating to me to go back and see how far I’ve come. Those recorded milestones can work wonders in terms of self-awareness and building confidence.

Secondly, you mention defining yourself through your relationships. This needs to change. You are an independent entity. You have strength, intellect, beauty and WORTH all on your own. You need to funnel that energy somewhere though because until you truly believe that statement, it is going to be tough. What are some hobbies or interests of yours? What traits would you want to define yourself by (honesty, compassion, etc.)? This can be a start to considering where to funnel that energy. After my relationship ended, I took up cooking. I never really ate healthy and had no idea how to cook properly. My ex even made comments on this, implying that I am not a good woman to make a wife (eye-roll, lol). I decided to take that criticism and become a spectacular cook. My friends and family members are shocked at how good I am now. This hobby has 1) diverted my time and attention away from feeling depressed about what happened and 2) added a skillset that has enhanced my life in many ways. You need to find something like this that could act as a distraction and improve your self-esteem.

I TOTALLY understand what you say when you reference “trauma bond”. It can become a comfort zone. For one person, it’s easy to fall back into. But I am going to guilt you into something beyond yourself. You have children that you need to make considerations for. Would you want them to live your current life? Would you want your siblings or close friends to live your current life? If not, why do you settle for this yourself? Try to answer the truthfully. You need to start referencing it this way because I’m sure you have people in your life who want you to succeed and be happy. You don’t want to let them down. Give yourself the same compassion you would afford them in return.

You second-guess yourself because of his manipulation. It is an illusion.

Building yourself up again will be a process – and it will take time – but I know you have it within you. I read your writing and I know you have that insight. You are looking deeper into yourself and trying to make good, sound decisions. You are already on the right path. 🙂

Please write back anytime and give updates or ask for advice or an ear. I am here for you!