What’s funny is his face is blurry when I try to remember him physically.  I felt nothing in his room and kept wanting to feel something, anything really.  Prior to our separation, there was about 2 years of coercion sex.  It would buy me at least 3-4 days of him not being verbally crazy and a calm house.  But I would cry during and after I don’t think he knew.

There are so many things I’m realizing that are just common sense.  What I don’t think people realize especially when they say things like “wake up” is that abuse puts you in a fog.  Normal decision bring anxiety and confusion.  What I used to be able to do now seems like running a mind marathon.  I would of allowed M. To do whatever to me because a part of me was not even there and still fills like I’ve been carved down the middle.

My father was always working and I was really just an extension of my mother kind of like a doll.  She had me at 19 and we grew up together. She really good at mothering until her kids became teenagers.

Lindsey