Apple Tree,

I am glad we can relate a little, I think this is helping me as well.

And thank you, I am hanging in there. My heart longs for them often, I still feel them, & sad that I can not just hold them. I am also very anxious. But that’s probably because I am dealing with some other heavy things in my family, lost a family member/parent figure who was very close to me.. I think it is also why I in some ways pushed them away, I was pulling for attention and comfort that partially they could have made an effort to do something, but the other part, they can’t resolve my internal issues of loss I am dealing with in my family. So its not fair to put that all on them.

Our communication was through social media, not texting. I sent my number but they wouldnt reach out. We never met in person, our work was online through skype. They kept communication to social media. It was alot more in the beginning but I think things got really emotional for them (me too), and they were trying to pull back to better manage their emotions. I think we took turns with struggling to manage the intense feelings and irritability from all the barriers in place making our connection difficult as well. Like them being in a committed relationship and living with their partner I think, and working together at a place where technically co-workers arent supposed to date. etc.

There was alot of built up frustration. And they were so distant I began to pull away. so with the recent incident in my family, and them not being present, and not being open, I just felt like it was all a game. so i sent them an email and let them know i was no longer going to be reaching out, but asked them to promise to reach out if they really cared.

Yes, finding self respect, not putting people on a pedestal, coping with anxiety is really hard. Mostly because I have an anxiety disorder that developed in my childhood from having parents who were unavailable. I also see how it affects my communication and attachment style and who i pursue.