Dear Anita,

I read your post yesterday and reflected on it.  I am going to break it down into segments so it is easier to follow along.  This topic 1, ROAR, is vital for the path. There are so many branches of it – that ROAR. Yet, the fundamental roots are what you have discussed above.

1) Anger was a bonding moment with your mother, a team-in-anger:

Yes it was.  As you know there were often times that  I would return home, and “find” things to talk about.  Controversial topics that would make mother entertained. Oh so and so is getting divorced, my mothers face would light up: see!! See! I told you she wasn’t really happy.  My mother’s energy lifted by her “ability” to  know better than others, and bask in the fact that in fact – others were NOT happier than she.  Sigh – she knew it didn’t she!

I recall innately never really being interested in these topics or gossip, but yet robotically “dumbing” myself down to these conversations.  It was in fact to join in the team bonding.  to say yes! we unite, look at those idiotic people thinking they are so happy – they aren’t after all! or oh look at those selfish horrible people, ROAR at them together! Absolutely, you are right Anita.

2) Never will cali chica be one of those people unaware of pain and suffering and unfairness,

those happy go lucky people who have it easy in life, daring to attend to their own needs and get away with it!

This one is key.  Absolutely key.  I thought about this throughout the day yesterday.  Luckily I had a slow relaxing Sunday during which I could let it sink in.

1 – My loyalty and understanding of being a “good daughter” or person perhaps/a righteous one – involves never being those people who are unaware.  I must at all time be so aware of all the pain and suffering in the world, and that others cause us – and vocalize it.  It is my right! It is a must.  —– well why? (hmm good question – I tried to answer it – and there is no true answer more on this later)

2 – The ROAR comes from anger and resentment that “those” people have it easy.  They think of themselves first – and they get away with it without repercussion.

I am not sure if I ever mentioned this pearl – but it is important here. So as you know my mother had troubled relationships with her siblings here in America, it was the majority of my childhood that was focused on this, and why we were so alone on holidays – and how other people have great families and we don’t – etc etc

So- my mother always spoke about  bad luck and jealousy.  She always said that if other people were selfish and just did whatever they wanted, it would be fine.  They would be respected, and people would still reach out to them and want to be their friend/have their company – and maybe even be more intrigued by them.

But if she (us) did that, we would be pushed to the side and become alone.

As in, if my mother just stopped “trying” and just did her own thing (whatever that is) and went on her merry way – she would NOT have the luck of having people still flock to her and want her in their life.  She would be forgotten. She may even be criticized.

Thus, the concept of people attending to their own needs – and getting away with it – is even more key! The idea that there are those that do this and are successful and happy and worry free-  and then there is US – the opposite.  We are unable to do this.  We would not get away with this.  And if we try, we will just be alone – no one will care about us.

So back to my loyalty of never being those people, the blissfully unaware that (god forbid) focus on their own lives.  How toxic to think this way. And yes during the wedding planning time and after, I was accused of being  just that! THOSE people.  And for a while there I believed it. I harassed my husband and believed that perhaps I was forgetting my poor mother and becoming smug and selfish.  And then slowly I realized that was hardly the case – as i was miserable! No one was winning, she was “miserable” and so was I.  Lose-lose.

But as you stated, never during this time did my pattern shift – to think wait – how bogus – now I am getting accused of being those people, the type we were united against! It did not shift, but what I did start seeing is that everyone is “those people” everyone in the world to my mother, except her own self.

At this stage in my life, I would hope that would correspond to the idea of – “those” people aren’t the enemy – and in fact the only “enemy” there ever was – was her.

Afraid to focus on inner circle out of fear of being those people.  Out of fear of being “called out”for being selfish.

Well has that happened? No…In fact no one cares.  Everyone is busy attending to their own inner circle.

And if I don’t and continue to “sacrifice” my own needs/or that of my family – so not to risk being smug and blissful – what is gained? Misery for all.  Lose-lose.

Only a fool would do this.