Dear Anita,

I read your post carefully.  It makes great sense to me and I am going to let it sink in, and read it once more.

The part that I do want to comment on right now, that occurred to me as a flicker is this:

My guilt associated with my sister is holding me back.  A weight with a sharp spark that ignites frenzy – as you so aptly alluded.

Do you recall about a year ago – you explained to me something very important? You stated how the first struggle of sorts was “breaking up” so to speak with my parents.  And now here- is number two – breaking up with my sister – so to speak.  I don’t recall all the details of what we discussed.

Shortly thereafter I went on a hiatus of more than a month or so of not speaking to my sister.  It was during this time that I could actually sink in to being in nyc, and my next chapter.  As the beginning of this chapter was inundated by her.

So then of course we began to speak again and learned to develop a better relationship.

Anyway, there was a point where we had gotten into some small argument, and she said: “well you didn’t even talk to me for a month or two after we moved here, how rude!!”

“how rude”

I realized how she did not get it at all.  I realize that this ignited even more guilt on my end.  Not for not having talked to her then, no that was a good idea. I did not regret that.  But I realized at that very moment that she had no clue.  She made it entirely about her.  She felt entitled to speak to me, and did not think “why would I not be spoken to.” Or if she did think of that, it did not come out as her main reaction.  Her main reaction was anger and that she was done wrong.  How it was unfair.

Fast forward until now.  I notice that I do not believe her to be someone who is capable of truly getting it entirely.  Issue is she THINKS she always gets it.  So sometimes I am fooled.  But I must remind myself this is untrue.  And it is not my responsibility to explain to her – but responsibility to myself and my husband to maintain peace and non-frenzy.

I notice her passive aggressive communication makes me quite uncomfortable.  Physically and mentally. I’ll put an example here just to organize it in my brain.

She was over our apartment for an hour or so 2 weeks ago I think.  She stopped by on Friday after work before plans with her friend.  We all sat and talked and mostly focused on my dog.

I asked her what time she was meeting her friend.  She replies sort of petulantly: I dunno!

ok.

Then later on she states she is heading out to meet her friend.  I say ok cool, what are you guys doing.  Same response. I dunno!

I recall feeling weird about this.  Not worried or anything.  But she had no idea how weird that came off.  And how it is passive agressive.  someone is asking you a normal direct question.  Your answer is not normal.  You are literally walking out to meet this person and you don’t know what you are doing? answer like a normal person and say – i am heading to meet her and then we will figure it out.

It was almost like she was uncomfortable and distressed about meeting her friend, that she projected that out.  Or unaware of the plan and perhaps annoyed about it, and so projected that out.

Point being it is not about the friend or plan – but this sort of thing – we all may do it — is a reminder to me that like you said – she expresses anger in many different ways.  Not just overt.  But subtle, and perhaps even silent.

Often the frenzy I feel around her could be sensing this, even nonverbally.  I do think so.

Anyway – like we have spoken about – the guilt must go.  Explanation is futile.  Focus on what I need to do.  And some point – my guilt will fade.