Dear Anita,

How illuminating.  You have pointed out something that I have never thought of.

Before I continue I want to say: my husband a few weeks or month ago stated “i think your sister is actually kind of selfish, she does what works for her, and quick to make it known when things aren’t right for her.”

I quickly went to my sister’s defense and said that and that.

Point is, we don’t have to typecast or judge or make names – but he is right.  He was right he tends to be often I am realizing over the years – lol.

But he has mentioned this in different forms, and I did not accept this as a truth.  The Thanksgiving example is a perfect one.  She said okay in a flat tone.  Not in an understanding way.  Not in the way of someone who is brought into her sister’s in laws home like family, treated like such – and wishes to burden them the least way possible.  Nope, not like that.

It did not occur to me that my sister may be, many times acting in HER own best interest.  That she may be utilizing the victim role, but that it is her choice, and not just because her history.  Perhaps using that ability to ignite my guilt and good will, and that of my husband.

Wow – what a concept.

Then you wrote:

There is more anger in her than there is in you. Your ROAR is loud and direct; hers is hidden in silence…

Yes!! You hit the nail on the head.  This is something I was trying to get to, and you verbalized it so well.  In fact I think this sort of anger is more insidious and dangerous, as it can creep up on you unpredictably and make you feel quite quite bad.

Yes, it can.

—————-

Okay, I read your main post again:  from 9:12 am your time – I call it main as it was very pivotal for me.

You wrote:

“He will learn to trust me”- I think he will. He is invested in trusting you, he wants to trust you, but he is scared, he doesn’t know if he should. Over time, experiencing your consistency, he will relax and he will trust you.

He wants to – yes he does, you are extremely right.  He is scared.  This slips my mind Anita.  I forget how he is scared, and rightfully so.  I am not gentle with him, as someone who is scared.  I plow over this.  I must be more aware.

How can I be more aware?

When I am not frenzied, when I slow down. When I don’t allow a moment of frenzy to turn into an episode of frenzy.

Then I can be aware of what is in front of me, perhaps a timid and scared husband.  Perhaps an agitated husband.  Perhaps a confused person.

To tie in the above with this, adding in sources of passive-aggressive or agitated angry energy in this – will clearly be a lose-lose situation.  Destined for failure.

My sister has mentioned time and again how “I blame her for all my problems.” I know she feels like this and so it is often like walking on eggshells when explaining things.

I notice now that what I was trying to say in the past is the following:

I don’t want to feel guilty for not wanting to invest lots of energy in you.  I don’t want to deal with you passive aggressive or know it all attitude.  and yes, sometimes your energy makes me wound up and frenzied – and that can catapult into frenzied episodes with either you or my husband or both.  just doesn’t feel like great energy.

—-you can guess but you don’t know. And what that does is.. well, it feeds the Frenzy.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.