Dear Anita,

Good morning.  Happy Holidays.  How do you celebrate this week? I wonder.

We are going to a cousin’s home tomorrow.  My sister is coming as well (as you know my husband’s family invites her as family as well).  I have already (yes already) ran into one passive aggressive comment from her this morning.  I won’t get into all the details as I don’t want to sully today.  It is Xmas Eve, I am at work – luckily a half day – and almost done with this job.  My husband and I are in a good place as a team, even if the past few weeks have been stressful.  I have learned a lot.

So back to my sister.  I read her comment and first annoyed, irritated, feeling anger well up.  Then angry at myself for getting angry! Then went back to our talks about her.  Keep it at the surface, any deep is too deep.  okay – but that doesn’t apply.  What else did Anita say?

Oh that!! That my sister has a lot of hidden anger and her MO is to operate with indirect communication.  Yes! That’s it!

So I reread the comment and thought to myself: this is an inappropriate comment, AND inappropriate way of acting, not just as an adult, but to a sister that does nothing but include you.  Nope.

So for the first time ever I wrote the following:

That is not an appropriate answer, here are the two options for tomorrow, let me know within an hour.

Done.  I am working on seeing my sister as the adult she is.  The only communication we were ever taught was hysteria, passive aggressive, and inflammatory.   And that is not okay.  I no longer have to excuse this behavior as “it’s okay I am like that too.”

Because I am not Anita. I am not. And I won’t allow myself to be.  And if someone around me is, well sorry it isn’t appropriate.

Phew! Roar!!!

————-

It’s been an epic year.  The word that comes to find is this: difficult.  Difficult and grueling.  The year started with my sister bombarding me with herself, and look today – not much has changed in her form of communication.  You know I feel that sometimes when I am around her I “dumb myself down” to acting just that way – makes sense because it was rooted in that house of sickness as you say.

No more.

What’s more? This has been a year, 2019, of learning how to first become a wife at all, and then a good one.  The good aspect just recently, maybe just over the last month ( I know we have talked about this for a long time but as you likely noticed, only recently did I really take it on).  Divorcing my sick family is the only way to be married to a good person.

Yes, Divorcing my sick family indeed!!!

I tried to do both, it didn’t work.  I “divorced my parents” but still kept their voices and guilt.  Then it faded somewhat.  I didn’t see my sister as an enemy, or better put, a hindrance to growth.  I saw her as a companion.

But then over the last few weeks I realized the detriment that is my sister, and how it is rocks tying me down to the past.

Yes, divorcing that guilt ridden relationship I have had (on my end) with her is key, and it is happening actively (with time) in present day.

What’s more- well this epic decision: to move or not to move.

We don’t have to discuss details today, but some other things came up about SD (likely positive) that may get us back to that 50-50 on the fence mark.  We are going to let ourselves relax during the holidays and not get too worked up about that.  And allow ourselves time (now that we have it).  Thank you for your tremendous support during this time!

I am grateful above all, for such a dear and loving husband.  You wouldn’t believe it Anita – I truly see him differently over the last week.  Literally visually! Seeing things in him more endearing and lovely than ever! It is like falling in love.  Yes belated, but it is here.  I am finally able to learn to love my husband properly.  It is a beautiful thing, isn’t it…?

Sigh