Dear Anita,

 she will be otherwise motivated to point to you as the aggressor and build a case against you as the aggressor, but with a combined number, if she builds a case against you, she is building a case for a no-contact with you.

This does make sense to me.  I thought about if before Xmas I explained to her that her approach was causing me stress – what would have ensued.  A roar.

“oh you always blame me for your problems, I didn’t do anything wrong.  I am not always the wrong one.”

Years of her being blamed or being a scapegoat by my mother – and not as “favored” have led to this sort of complex for her.

Yet, if I give in to it – it continues the role of the sick home.

So what I pasted above makes sense.  In fact, before we went to Aruba I placed some ground rules, as did she.  And of course we both had some transgressions.  Natural to follow patterns, but I think we both caught ourselves and were able to continue.  What I observed in Aruba is the following: I take on the guilt and allow her to be “right” because I feel guilty of many years of putting her down.  But, it is a lose lose situation.  Because I don’t need to validate her by a subconscious feeling of “oh you are right, I know I always blamed you.”

I saw in Aruba that not ONLY do I slip and have a transgression – she does too! yet all she ever does is point out the flaws in others.  Especially me.  I noticed her strange energy when we talked about dating which was not a topic to avoid on our list – but I quickly mentally noted to avoid it.  I stopped the conversation and noticed she continued on her own, but with a tone of annoyance.  I noted to myself that she is dealing with this sort of aggression and it isn’t my job to frankly deal with it.

What’s more.  There have been numerous times in my sister’s life that people have stopped speaking to her.  Even “ghosted” her as in stop talking without any explanation.  Her 2 friends in high school, and maybe another person, and you now twice.  Twice!

Not to say you ghosted her, those high school friends did, but point is you did not wish to continue communication with her any longer as something about it was HARMFUL to you.

I thought about this a lot on the way to Xmas.  It isn’t a coincidence this has happened to her multiple times.  And we can’t just blame a bad childhood.  It is her.  It IS HER.

And so that is telling, she has rubbed many people the wrong way in the past – people, like yourself, who were kind and helpful and gracious.  Sure maybe some of the others were not that way.  But at the end of the day it is NO coincidence.

She does feel entitled to bite.

And what is most important is the freedom and guilt-free feeling I had when she didn’t join us this year.  It wasn’t about her coming or not.  But if she had come with that weird aggression – it would have limited my freedom and space.

Which to my last point is key-  I love and appreciate my husband when I have space and freedom.

When I am divorced from my sick family, I am able to love my new family.  That’s simply it. 

——————-

I haven’t mentioned any of the possibility of not moving to CA to my sister.  It is inner circle business only.  I don’t feel I will be able to have the conversation with her that you stated over the next week as I am finishing up work and have a few too many things going on.

But January – is free.  And it should remain FREE.  No one should take the love for NYC away, especially not my sister.

We will be doing our gift exchange in the near future, maybe after the new year.  And I am not jumping to make any more plans with her immediately.

For January, and beyond – I will have the conversation and contract prepared.  As it is imperative.  I also like this idea because it allows transgressions and makes it a team effort.  There is no hierarchy, and there is no oppression.  It is 2 adults speaking and co-existing with boundaries.  I no longer feel the need to make her understand my side.  I know with this sort of conversation and contract, I won’t have to explain myself – I will simply have both of us refer to the rules.

edit: I just saw your second post. Thank you. I know I handled the Xmas scenario well as I felt calm and collected after it.  IT felt like self preservation, and it felt like focus on inner circle.  Lastly it was self trust.  Going back to what CC really needs!

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.