Dear Anita,

Thank you for your stream of consciousness.  I love that term and I am glad that you engage in this with me as well – as I recall encouraging you a short while ago.  To write without worry, just let it out.

I will highlight some things you stated:

There were some troubling expressions but I figured life has been tough for her, is tough, challenges and all, so I kept at it

I too felt the same way, and of course kept at it.  Obviously a different relationship I have with her.  But this same line resonates with me, feeling that she did have a tough life, so doing your all to support and be there.

two sides at opposite ends of the spectrum, 

This is key.  I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but I am very wary of people who have 2 extremes.  Often I believe they aren’t to be trusted.  I never thought of my own sister this way – but I see it now. My husband has mentioned that my sister can be selfish, and so always does what she wants.  I of course defended her.  But it all is much clearer.

She has a lot of anger, and as you so aptly mentioned, it spends most of its time bottled up, ready to explode. She also has this very loving side.  It is authentic, it is not fake.  A loving, kind, sweet person.  The issue is – she is not aware of those both sides of her.  And, the nice side of her can go to such an extreme – that it in a way self invalidates the “bad side.”  As in, her niceness is so nice, that it makes her badness less bad.  Or so she may think, or others may think at first.

But the reality is that in life, as an adult –  I see a lot of how people cope.  I see it daily with my patients.  I see healthy signs, I see unhealthy signs.  I see myself learning unhealthy behavior of passive aggression – but working on it actively daily – esp with my husband.  I see my sister also working, with her therapist, and her own journey – but still it doesnt matter.  There is no need to excuse bites constantly.

even more than you were

This is an interesting line of yours.  My sister can be super affectionate and extremely grateful for love and attention and support.  It is sometimes like a puppy who hasn’t had much love.  In this way she can be the most grateful person.  And it is genuine I believe.  But with that, when the anger and lack of “coping” I will say comes up – that gratefulness can quickly jump to something else.  I like how you mentioned “even more than me.”

This is true.  But I have had a LOT more healthy relationships in my time, and know how to regulate my behavior with people, especially new people – and have a good balance between honesty, affection, and tact — I like to think.  These are things she has always had trouble with.  It becomes more important to her at her age now, as you can’t excuse it as teenage years and the like.  So yes, as I have gotten older, I try not to come off as OVERLY this or that – as it is usually not a sign of a stable person.  Not to say that I am acting, it is just that I feel much more regulated in the way I feel and communicate as an adult now vs when I was much younger.

Given that, I excused this behavior a lot for her, thinking I too may have been this way in my 20s.  One day all excited and best friends with someone, the next day pouting.  And then I thought back – and I realized, no.  Sure my behavior and relationships were more erratic in my 20s – but I HATEDDDD this part of myself.  And I did everything possible to change this.  As I did not like how it made me come off to people, nor did I like the way it made me feel.

2 extremes is never good.  She has a long standing history of getting really close with someone really fast, almost obsessed.  Talking to them all the time and telling them the deepest things – just to get put off by them for some reason shortly after.  This is just like my mother.  It is an extremely juvenile way of approaching others, and in the world of psychiatry it is a sign as well.

My husband and I have mentioned to her in the past, gently – that it isn’t always a good idea to tell people you don’t know everything all at once.  An example would be a guy she’s been on 2 dates with knows her family history and drama already.  Or a friend she just met she already is talking about taking a trip with.  Things of that nature.  I attributed it to her need for love and friendship which is innocent enough.

I even thought it was too much when she started talking to you again, to talk so much.  Not because I judged her or you – but the concept of all or nothing.  Going from not talking at all – to talking day in and day out – that flame fizzles fast. I wasn’t surprised when she texted me all frenzied about your communication ending.  Not surprised at all.  I thought to myself, it’s always extreme with her – the flame fizzles

And it did.

I see her patterns now t as aberrant and erratic, extreme and unstable.  I don’t judge it, but I see the ways it harms me when I continue to support, but she doesn’t have awareness of her own characteristics.  So now I have a very good view of her, from up close and above.