Dear Anita, just read your reply and had simultaneously posted this:

I am going to go ahead and post this next, as it is flowing freely now.  Feel free to respond whenever!

I am back, now ready to focus on the crux of the matter.  I will write down key points you made. Key understanding of my sister.

A relationship with a bpd person is a source of great distress. It didn’t occur to me until this morning.. it is more serious than I thought.

Yes, it is more serious.  It is more serious than you thought, and more serious than I thought.  BUT – this realization feels good and settling.  It feels like that “ah ha” moment that I have been waiting for.  I obviously got that with my parents, and never looked back on the decision I made.  This isn’t the same.  Yet, having this understanding is epic and will be life changing.  I know it. I feel it already.  In fact, in the last few days that we have discovered this, my relationship with my husband has exponentially improved.  Skyrocketed even!!! Why? Well that goes to your next and most important message:

When your sister asked you some  time ago why you don’t appear to be in love with your husband, she wasn’t aware, and neither were  you aware at the time, that your sister herself was a big part of why you didn’t feel and express that softness to your husband or talked about him with that softness.

Her part in it is that when you repeatedly reached out to her with affection, with love, with the sincere desire to help her so that she will feel better, what was her response: bite you where it is soft, throw dust at you so that you will stumble.

Well, no  wonder then.

I continued to reach out to someone, my sister, with softness, and in turn I got bites.  I got so many bites between my mother and her, I had no softness left.  My sister always says this thing: “well that’s on you, no one is asking for your help all the time.” This would enrage me, I would thing – yes yes you are!!! And seeing it now it is the ultimate slap in the face.  It is someone who is so unraveled and incapable of predictable stability that continues to bite the hand that feeds her.  Wow.

So above I mentioned that I have noticed (and my husband has) monumental change of recent.  As you know I told my sister I was going to be MIA for the rest of the month to which she responded nothing (classic).  And thus, I have not been constantly morning to night worried about her.  Feeling the need to reply back instantly, etc.  You know Anita, one of her biggest complaints to me is how I am always doing a million things at once and always responding to someone immediately etc.  Well how ironic – I learned this as a trained behavior from the two most bloodsucking individuals in my life!!!!

Neither my mother nor sister can function predictably or have healthy relationships.  Of course my sister is doing a better job now and hopefully will continue to heal so that she may.  But regardless – it is the case.  Both of these individuals relied on me so heavily to fill this void for them, and to help them “not be” this way.  It wasn’t a spoken cry for help – it was – well just was! As a result I have had to multi-task my whole life.

So here we are now, of COURSE I didn’t have space for love for my husband.  I was fooled into thinking NC with parents would provide  that space, as it became ENTIRELY occupied by my sister.  and NO not because that is my choice, it is because it is her pathology and pattern.

My husband sat with me on the couch yesterday and told me with true vulnerability, “our chance to be happy in NYC was robbed from us.” As soon as we stepped foot back here, excited for our new chapter – we were bombarded by your sister. Well he would never say bombarded by sister, those are my words – he is far too kind to say so.  But I encouraged him to let it all out.  I then read to him the above quote – about how I have had trouble with softness with him for this exact reason.  I then talked about how I see (and Anita sees) the real issue now.  She true has no value or appreciation, and her erratic and unpredictable ways are constantly bites and disrespect to the people she does have.  Insanity.

I saw my husband there, true sadness in his face.  And I felt Anita, oh I felt.  I felt sadness.  I felt I would do anything to go back and remove the obstacles from our life that didn’t allow us to truly be just us.  Because when we are just us – we are wonderful.  I assured him that our last obstacle is gone, and whether we live East or West – I know better now.  I know that truly nothing will come in between us.

Over the last few days I have been able to be entirely present with my husband.  Entirely.  It is two team mates working together completely.  Notice, how you predicted in the past, he was able to be vulnerable with me and express his true deep emotions.  It felt so good Anita to see this.  But of course heartbreaking.

You know Anita, my family and the insanity that comes with it (including me) has broken his heart.

I will do everything to fix it, and no sister will ever get in the way.  Anything it takes.  He is first.  Now I know better than ever.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.