hello antina, how are you ?
i am sorry for before because i felt like you are blaming me, i felt so angry for some reason, pherhps because people always in the past told me to do stuff that can help me and nothing did, so i always hated it, because its like (here is your solution and its your fault if you don’t follow it). i just for some reason don’t wanna do anything.
i feel traped in this person who doesn’t care much, there is a tiny feeling in me that feels that, i don’t think this is right at all, but i feel like there is someone (the other me). i used to think and talk like i had two personality, the hurt weak one and the one that knows whats right and wanna protect the other to stay alive, when i used to do a mistake this strong side of me tells me how he is gonna take over and not make me slip again. this was before i get sckptical about everything. and after then i didn’t pay attation to these kind of things.
i remember i used to be really critical to myself and punish it a lot, the majority of it was mentally. i used to do things that give me anxiety, because when i failed in school no one cared, so i used to carry my school bag with all the books and go walk even when i could take a car, i refused to take any money from my father, i might told you about it
sometimes i feel like i really hate myelf, thats why i don’t care much,
now sometimes i dislike being with myself, i feel like i cant do anything (yeah it is learned helplessness) but what do i do about it? i sometimes wish someone keeps me from myself, just take care of me instead of me, i feel like the only help i can get if they force me to do things or brainwash me. cause i won’t do anything.
i always used to take excuses to give up and to not blame myself for it, i used to take depression or soical anxiety, ofcource people always used to blame me, its always my fault for not trying right? but i always feel strong desire to quit, ofcource i never mention any excuses anymore, i just say yeah im a loser or i like this life, they won’t understand anyway, i wish i could tell someone my life and he tell me you are doing well enough its ok, you did in some way.

i talked to someone new, a female from another country, 23, she is sweet and we had a some kind of understanding, the only problem is yesterday she talked about her friend in real life, a 31 old guy who she knows and might like. we are just friends so she told me about him, the way she talks about him and value him, how is she exited and how she cares, made me so jealous and hurt, because she never talked to me in this way. i felt like nothing, like inadequate, like he is better (which he is i guess). i know its my fault for not trying, but i wish i was him, to have someone respects me and cares about me like that, i just say deep down, what did i do wrong to not have this? then i remember girls don’t like a guy like me, i felt like he is a man and because the way i talk and treat women they don’t like me, always act weak and so soft, its just who i am i cant change that
this happened also to the iraqi female i talked to, (and the other few females i talked to) once she started to mentions other males and i get this deep hurt inside, like my manhood is attacked, like im losing the competition, like i am this worthless person that no female like and any man would be better then me because he can satisfy her, even if he treat her bad, i feel pain in my stomch, stress.
its very painful because i really liked the 23 female, i knew i didn’t had a chance and i told her we are just friends, but its so painful to imagine her with someone else that she respects more and appreciate more, because he is a “Man”, i was so nice to her i even knew that if i talk about him i might have jealousy and got hurt but she wanted to talk about him she was very excited.
i don’t think those things are true, i just can’t help but to feel this way, like when i got angery when you told me about learned helplessness, i knew you was right, i just couldn’t help it, the way i deal with these things is not to care about feelings, because they are wrong
and i don’t see myself as a prodect to change and adjest for what “females like”, i am what i am and if they don’t like me its fine. i can’t be a different person, i tried i just don’t feel good. tell me am i wrong about this ? isn’t this the whole point of relationship? to make life easier? to be accepted ?
i just want to cry and give up antina, even when i already gave up, its so exhausting to just live, you once told me that “if its up to me you won’t feel this way”, can you tell me what would you do? i can’t think of anything that could help me

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Murtaza.