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i cant cry anymore

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  • #358726
    Murtaza
    Participant

    lately i havent been able to cry or express sadness. it feels so dissatisfying having a feeling without being able to FEEL it. i always liked to cry and wanted to cause it makes me feel warm. i had one problem i could never cry without music and using my imagination (like memories and fantasizing).

    i guess one reason could possibly be that i feel like crying is pathetic and weak. but i know this is wrong for a fact. i guess my question would be how do i change my feeling about something ?

    other reasons could be that i suppress anger. or i have a really hard time being vulnerable in the real world (since i fantasize about it). how do i be more vulnerable with myself ?

    im sorry if this didnt make sense cause im not used to it. thank you

    #358784
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I need to understand better what you are asking, this is why I ask you three questions:

    “I haven’t been able to cry… I always liked to cry and wanted to cause it makes me feel warm.. I feel like crying is pathetic and weak”-

    1) When you used to cry before, did you cry alone or in front of people, did you cry a lot each time, or often?

    2) When you used to cry, how did people react to you crying?

    “I have a really hard time being vulnerable in the real world (since I fantasize about it)”-

    3) What do you fantasize about, more specifically?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
    #358811
    Murtaza
    Participant

    thanks for replaying

    one of the reasons i sigh up here was you. i saw your replay on an old thread and liked how you response. to be honest i wanted to talk to you (not about my problems or anything just talking really cause you seem like a person who know life and i can learn some things for me) but it seem this site doesnt have this feature and i suppose you dont wanna which is fine. anyway

    1) i could never cry in front of people i have a hard time being vulnerable even with close family member. also there isnt a lot of people i know to be honest. its fine tho i dont mind crying alone. i always cried whenever i could even some of the days i couldnt i would just force myself to it.

    2) i hardly remember me crying in front of people maybe when i was younger one or twice in front of my mother and her response was normal.

    3) being vulnerable with someone i love and trust. more specifically cuddling with someone. and because im detached in the real world i feel more in the fantasy then i could ever in the real world (but thats another topic).

    i also should mention that for some reason i can only cry about myself. ever since i knew im alone i decided to just use my feelings on myself. and for some reason my body accepted that. i also should mention that  i suppress my anger. and recently i decided that anger is just a toxic emotion and i will try not to be angry. i feel like because i suppress my anger my sadness is suppressed also.

    just to note there is nothing i can do with anger. most of my experience with it were bad. i also had 2 burst anger this year where i couldnt control it. but i promised myself to be stronger in the future

    #358814
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    You are welcome. You can talk with me for as long as you want, right here on your thread, and I will be glad to continue to communicate with you.

    You shared that you could never cry in front of people, that you don’t know a lot of people, that you cried alone whenever you could, sometimes you couldn’t cry, so you forced yourself to cry. You wrote that you fantasize cuddling with someone you trust, that you “feel more in the fantasy than I could ever in the real world”.

    * I don’t know what you mean by “I can only cry about myself.. use my feelings on myself”??

    You wrote that you “decided that anger is just toxic and I will try not to be angry”- but anger is a natural emotion, everyone feels angry. What is toxic is some of the behaviors of angry people, like yelling and humiliating a person with hurtful words.

    I don’t know how much you feel comfortable sharing about yourself, but remember this is an anonymous site. As long as you don’t share real names of people and places, and exact dates and such, you are .. anonymous. Also, when you post to me, please take your time to look at your post before you submit, and edit it so it is more clear for me to read, will you?

    I am curious as to approximately how old you are, and if you live with your parents, if you have a job or you are a student, and why you are so alone and lonely and sad. And I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how.

    I can relate to you fantasizing about cuddling with someone you trust- I used to fantasize a whole lot. My real life was so miserable, that fantasy was surely the better alternative for me. There were days I kept a fantasy alive for hours.

    I hope to read back from you soon, or whenever you want to post again.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 5 days ago by anita.
    #358848
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I don’t know what you mean by “I can only cry about myself.. use my feelings on myself”??

    i meant that i can only cry about myself. my past or future. i dont want to cry on somebody because i hardly cry and when i do i want it to be about me because im the only one who matters in my life.

     

    What is toxic is some of the behaviors of angry people, like yelling and humiliating a person with hurtful words

    i agree. but for me anger only have bad consequences. if i release it. and to answer your future question there is no healthy way of releasing it for me. and if i dont release it i have the same bad consequences. therefore its toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry. this is my point of view on it

     

    and edit it so it is more clear for me to read, will you?

    im trying to be as clear as i can but i just dont know what to say and not say.

     

    I am curious as to approximately how old you are, and if you live with your parents, if you have a job or you are a student,

     

    i dont see how telling you about my life would help but i dont mind. im 20 i live with my family. i live in the middle east so its different. i have no job and i was student and drop out. i actually drop out living as a whole. why ? cause i simply dont like life. i lived it and saw nothing worth living or fighting for. i got my father retirement so i dont need money.

    and why you are so alone and lonely and sad.

    well i dont like most people and i live in place that most people are so different then me. i might be sad because i live in a world where basic needs have a cost. and the thing i desire the most is never gonna happen

     

    And I wonder about your anger: who hurt you and how

    no one hurt me i just like using logic over feelings. i just dont see a point of anger.

     

    #358852
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    How interesting, to me, that you live in the middle east. I was born in the middle east and lived there for 25 years (visited many times after). Talking about anger, there was a lot of anger in the home where I was born, and outside the home, people angry, impatient. The sun was hot all through the summer, non stop, a vicious sun. And yet, part of me wishes I never left.

    You shared in your recent post that you cry about your past, or future, and because you hardly manage to cry, you don’t want to .. waste your crying on others, and you wrote: “I’m the only one who matters in my life”.

    You wrote regarding anger that for you,  “there  is no healthy way of releasing it”, that you experience the same bad consequences to your anger whether you release it or not, “therefore it’s toxic and there is no escape but to get away from anything that makes me angry.

    You shared that you are 20, living with your family, no job and not worried about money because your father’s retirement is available to you.  You don’t like most people, most people are so different from you. You were a student but you dropped out, having “actually dropped out as a whole.. cause I simply don’t like life. I lived it and saw nothing worth living or fighting for”, and “the thing I desire the most is never gonna happen”-

    – what is this thing you desire the most, this thing that will never happen???

    We have another thing in common: I too saw nothing worth living growing up and later, except in fantasy- there was a lot to live for in fantasy.

    Looking back, I know  who hurt me so much that she took away from me so much of my desire to live. But you wrote that no one hurt you (“no one hurt me”). You mean all  this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?

    anita

     

     

    #358860
    Murtaza
    Participant

    what is this thing you desire the most, this thing that will never happen???

    the thing i fantasize about. being in love with a woman. dont tell me it could happen cause i know for sure it cant my life is living prove. even if i find the woman (which in the middle east gonna be really hard) i want there is 100 thing that will come between me and the fantasy. so i decided why bother ? when i can have what i desire in my mind. its better then reality anyway. although i never being in relationship and probably wont. and i have never experienced anything remotely close to my fantasy. but i know.

    i dont fantasize because my life is miserable i do it because i desire it because it makes me sleep at night

     

    You mean all  this pain in you, and no one caused any of it?

    well i dont remember caring for anyone enough to let him hurt me. maybe i did it to myself. maybe a lot of people over a long period of time. but it doesnt matter really. im me now.  and i dont think i will ever change my mind about life. unless i see something worth living. sadly i see most of the things pointless. and i dont care about myself to try to “fix it” if there is such fix.

     

     

    #358864
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    You wrote: “I don’t fantasize because my life is miserable, I do it because I desire it, because it makes me sleep at night”- what a powerful statement. Powerful because of the word desire in the sentence. In your post to me, you asserted your desire, stating that you desire something (a love relationship with a woman).

    I placed what you desire in parenthesis because the key word in your post is desire. What you desire matters less than the fact that you experience desire.

    But having no hope of that desire being materialized, you gave up on life itself, beyond merely existing, that is.

    “I don’t think I will ever change my mind about life unless I see something worth living. Sadly I see most of the things pointless, and I don’t care about myself to try to ‘fix it’, if there is such a fix”-

    – the desire in you, it wants to live. It is life itself. It will not allow you to be at peace with giving up on life. It doesn’t compromise itself because you think it should.

    anita

     

    #358866
    Murtaza
    Participant

    the desire in you, it wants to live. It is life itself. It will not allow you to be at peace with giving up on life. It doesn’t compromise itself because you think it should.

    wow that is really good understanding of it. i didnt look at it in this way. i guess i will always be in between. wanting not to want it in real life because i cant get it. and want it because i desire it.

    and i neither have the energy or will to do anything about it. there is so much to do for something normal. i dont see it as a fair deal. i can live without it. and skip this whole suffering. cause im not even sure that with that suffering im gonna get what i want. and i dont rely on hope. either way im going to die so why not make it an easy life for myself

    #358868
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    You wrote regarding materializing your desire (making a love relationship with a woman happen in real life): “there is so much to do for something normal. I don’t see it as a fair deal. I can live without it and skip this whole suffering. Cause I’m not even sure that with that suffering I’m gonna get what I want. And I don’t rely on hope. Either way I’m going to die, so why not make it an easy life for myself”- In your thinking there is a mix of logic/ truth and illogic/ untruth.

    Here is the logical/ truth in the mix of what I quoted above:

    1. There is “so  much to do” for you to  materialize your desire, to make it happen in real life.

    2. It is indeed not a fair deal.

    3. You can live without materializing your desire, that is,  without a love relationship with a woman.

    4. Even if you do  all that needs to  be done (#1), you might not succeed and end up suffering without your desire materialized.

    5. It is not a good idea to hold on to hope when there is no chance of the hope coming true.

    6. Either way, you are going to die.

    Here is the illogical/ untruth in the mix:

    1. “I can live without it and skip this whole suffering“- you can live without it (#3 above), but you can’t skip this whole suffering. You are currently living without your desire materialized and you are suffering.

    A word similar to desire is passion. The word passion has the Greek word pathos in it, which means suffering. We suffer when we experience an unfulfilled desire. I suppose you can live fine without, for example,  eating a particular cake that you desire because the suffering is not severe. But living a lifetime without a loving relationship, that’s .. a kind of a suffering that is quite severe.

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
    #358876
    Murtaza
    Participant

    but you can’t skip this whole suffering. You are currently living without your desire materialized and you are suffering.

    but im suffering less. this was my point. to suffer less till the end. im not doing anything.maybe im suffering but i dont look at it this way. i see it as a fair deal (since im not living life i dont get anything that life offers).

    im alone with no help whatsoever not even from myself. with no purpose to live. and i dont know anything about life really. i never had a father. even if i actually wanted to try. what woman will ever love a person like me?

     

    But living a lifetime without a loving relationship, that’s .. a kind of a suffering that is quite severe.

    i guess i will get used to it. from what i see i actually dont wanna be in a relationship. cause i will probably end up in bad one.

     

    the way i see it im slave to this desire. i have no  choice but to fulfill it. or be miserable. if its up to me i would try to fulfill it. but its up to people. i cant make people love me. and the way i live and think isnt very loveable to people. i have to search and search. for something i didnt even asked for.

     

    using no hope and having all these odds. its clear whats gonna happen

    #358878
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    “but I’m suffering less”- you are suffering now less than you suffered before in life.. or less than a life you didn’t yet have (going into the world and looking for a love relationship with a woman)?

    anita

     

    #358887
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you are suffering now less than you suffered before in life.. or less than a life you didn’t yet have (going into the world and looking for a love relationship with a woman)?

    yes less than i suffered before in life. but anything else than this lifestyle is suffering more.

    I appreciate that you taking your time and energy to talk to me and try to help me it means a lot to me just to know such person exist. i wish i know a person like you in real life just someone who understand me and listen to me someone i could trust and be safe with. i wish i could hug such person and cry. it doesnt have to be relationship

    #358890
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    You are welcome. I too wish that I knew you in real life, to see you smile, for you to see that I am a real person, to hug you, and of course, it wouldn’t be a romantic relationship, it couldn’t be, I am too old for you, it would be wrong. But yes, I wish you had someone in real life whom you could trust and feel safe with.

    It is the afternoon where I live and I am tired. I know you didn’t write much but I still have to have a more focused brain to re-read your recent two posts (and anything you may want to add to it, if you do) and will do so Friday morning, which is in about 16 hours from now. It is after midnight, I believe, where you are. I hope you have a good night sleep, a restful sleep, and I will be back to your thread in (my) morning.

    anita

    #358978
    Murtaza
    Participant

    There is so many questions i have to ask you. i dont know where to start. tho i still cant cry but i was a little bit sad when i told you about my life. and thats a good thing.

    can i ask where you used to live in the middle east?

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 90 total)

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