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i cant cry anymore

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Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 95 total)
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  • #360785
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I wonder if its the hot middle east

    in iraq the other day it was 55°C. so yes it is very hot

     

    that is the reason you are awake so late at night?

    we got air-condition and i dont go out a lot. but the reason was i had anxiety the day before and hardly slept few hours. luckily i was able to sleep yesterday by 6 in the morning. this is why i imagined talking to you for hours. cause i was anxious and couldn’t get out of bed because i was too tried or sleep. i would never say that i was if you wouldn’t ask.

    the reason i was anxious is because my mother told me that my brother has an old friend that he want to come over our house and meet my brother. the problem he told my brother that he likes woman. and when my mother told me that. i was super angry and anxious, because he is using my brother to get  to my mother and my brother is too stupid to know that. i was afraid that when he comes i have to deal with him. and i have to protect my mother again. and i thought you might be right about that (i failed to protect her when i was a little) and that (i wanted to protect my source of love)

     

    i felt so alone. and i always feel this way when im angry and sad. i always deal with it on my own. cause i dont like to depending or needing  people and i should Train myself to be better at it alone. cause im gonna stay that way. i always felt that if i have anxiety or any mental health related issues there is no help. i just have to suck it up. i do workouts meditation talking to people and i still have it. i feel so helpless against such thing.

     

    What motivates me is curiosity

    that is good. for me nothing else motivates me. just my basic desires.

     

     I am learning about you. And as I learn about you, I learn more about me.

    you mean as human or as you learn more about your own life?

    #360789
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I don’t think it can be hotter than 55 degrees Celsius anywhere in the world. I remember the heat being in the 40s with a very high humidity, which meant I was never dry, always sweaty unless I was in the Mediterranean sea or in a swimming pool or in an air conditioned place which was magical, how I loved air-conditioning! It wasn’t common when I grew up, to have air conditioning. Hotels had them and I worked in one a long time ago.

    You shared that you were anxious the day before and hardly slept. You were anxious because your brother was going to bring his friend over to meet your mother, and his friend is attracted to your mother, which means you felt that you had to protect your mother from this young man’s .. sexual advances toward your mother???

    You shared that you feel so alone when you are angry and sad, and that you need to train yourself to be better at being alone, because you expect to stay alone for the rest of your life, and that you always felt “so helpless” about your “anxiety or any mental health related issues”.

    ” ‘I am learning about you. And as I learn about you, I learn more about me’. You mean as human or as you learn more about your own life?”- as a human living a human life. I too felt helpless. And like you, I felt (and was) very much alone. Like you, I fantasized a lot because in fantasy I felt good. In real life, rarely. Like you, I didn’t feel that I belonged in the society around me. I was an outsider, in my own mind. Like you, I was anxious  much of the time except when alone, lying in bed, listening to  music, daydreaming.

    The loneliness I felt then, for times that felt endless, an eternity.. the isolation was extreme, and that’s the source of serious mental issues: isolation. I hope you feel just a bit less isolated because you communicate with me. Connecting with you right now, makes me feel mentally healthier. It is amazing how true it is: we are social animals, our mental health is dependent on connecting to others. There is really no way to be mentally healthy in long-term, extreme isolation.

    anita

     

    #360794
    Murtaza
    Participant

    protect your mother from this young man’s

    he is his teacher. so he is in his 40s i think.

     

    and his friend is attracted to your mother

    no but he said to my brother that he likes women. my stupid brother who has no mind (and im not even saying this out of anger) didn’t thought of protecting my mother.

     

    sexual advances toward your mother

    no he can’t of course do anything. its so silly that i brought it up in the first place cause its too much to explain. basically when my mother brought it up she was afraid and i was afraid that i wont be able to protect her or that i will be helpless. nothing actually happend as he never came.

     

    I hope you feel just a bit less isolated because you communicate with me

    i do feel less isolated. i also feel good that im able to show my fantasy persona and that it is ok. i feel like i could never be this person (im my fantasy) in real life.

    #360827
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I used to be a teacher in the U.S., and in this country it is not the practice and it is considered unprofessional and inappropriate for teachers to be friends with their students.

    I don’t know the nature of the friendship between your brother “who has no mind”, you say, with his teacher who is.. 20 years older than him, who.. does have a mind? I mean, what is it that they have in common, I wonder.

    “he said to my brother that he likes women”- why would a teacher in this 40s say that to his 20 something year old student.. again, that is considered unprofessional and inappropriate in the U.S., and in many other countries.

    If there is something I need to understand about this topic further (what is it that you feel the need to protect your mother from, as in what is the danger to her that she needs you to protect her from), let me know.

    “I also feel good that I’m able to show my fantasy persona and that it is ok. I feel like I could never be this person (in my fantasy) in real life”- when you get the chance, will you explain to me further who is this “fantasy persona”/ “this person in my fantasy”?

    anita

     

    #360846
    Murtaza
    Participant

    who.. does have a mind?

    my brother has a lot of mental health issues to the point that he is ignorant about them even when my sister tells him he don’t believe her. just like my mother. he doesn’t know if a person is using him or not. he has the mind of a child and he doesn’t learn from his experiences.

     

    I mean, what is it that they have in common, I wonder

    its a common case. where the guy wants something from him (the teacher) and use the friendship to get that thing (which is talking to my mother and have her as a girlfriend (not an a good way). see men in iraq do that. try desperately to get to talk to a woman (this is why its hard for me to talk to any female). but they want to have girlfriends because there life is so empty. even when they are married

     

    as in what is the danger to her that she needs you to protect her from

    him harassing her. thats it really. since i had that role when i was younger and since she is too weak to defend her self and always like to depend on people. i feel worthless if i don’t.

    i will give you an example. one day we went to buy  something for me. we got in one store and the guy said something to harasser her  in front of me and i couldn’t do anything i just said lets get out. i didn’t ever want to go out with her again. and whenever we do i feel anxious someone gonna say something like that. i was 17 and i felt bad for days i even decided to not go out with her and not to buy things (by not wanting them). since my father never cared to take me out and buy me things it was always my mother. and i had no friends to go out with or anyone. i didn’t even know the street very well and if i wanted something its either my mother or not wanting it at all.

     

    who is this “fantasy persona”/ “this person in my fantasy”?

    a needy weak and vulnerable male. someone who is really nice and like to do things for others. loving and caring and not anxious about those things.

    #360850
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    Male sexual aggression toward women in attitude and behavior is widespread in the middle east, isn’t it. It is interesting that in this context of sexual aggression against women, your fantasy is to be the “weak and vulnerable male. Someone who is really nice.. loving and caring”- very different from the aggressive man who is looking to use a woman for his sexual needs.

    I can see how out of place you really are, wanting to be a nice guy, wanting to be cuddled by a strong woman, weak in her arms. I am guessing you felt pressure for so long, as a child and a teenager, to be strong for your mother, to take care of her, to protect her, such a burden- because you never received these things yourself: you were not taken care of or protected. It is like you were expected to do for your mother/ sister what you never received.

    Is it so?

    anita

    #360857
    Murtaza
    Participant

    yeah its such a relief that you said this. i remember few days ago i was going for a walk. and i saw a woman on a Bicycle. i was just glad and felt something for a few seconds. it was the first time i see a woman on bicycle and i just like it when i see women more free to do things.

     

    in the past when i used to have anxiety and used to go to school and have so much more pressure. i used to fantasize about being hurt by a woman. this fantasy actually was from my younger years. i don’t know if it was the pressure or that i actually like it (i still like it but i just don’t fantasize about it anymore or desire it much like i used to). i know it is alright. it is not a sexual thing. its just satisfying when i fantasize about it. the first thing that comes up to my mind to why was (she cares enough to hurt me). i actually never knew why. maybe because i like to be weak and (under her mercy). or because i want to be hurt to need her and be more weak.

     

    i remember actually. its not the pain itself that i like but what comes after. the care and love. i had the idea that she can truly give me that if she actually saw me getting hurt. i knew back then i might be into bdsm. i hated that for a while, cause i know most woman dont like that (submissive‎ male). and i hated the fact that im weak. i used to be mean to myself because of that and had a lot of self-loathing.

     

    i dont fantasize about it anymore because i don’t actually have a good imagination as i used to and i don’t think it will ever happen. i actually hardly fantasize anymore i just imagine talking to people and cuddling.

    #360869
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I will read and reply to your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer, in about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #360923
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    You wrote that you hardly fantasize anymore, that you “just imagine talking to people and cuddling”.

    “when I used to have anxiety.. so much pressure, I used to fantasize about being hurt by a woman.. it’s just satisfying when I fantasize about it.. she cares enough to hurt me.. I want to be hurt to need her and be more weak… it’s not the pain itself that I like, but what comes after, the care and love”.

    My thoughts: I think that you analyzed it perfectly, in the paragraph above.

    I imagine the following: Murtaza the child, uncared for, alone and lonely. His mother is busy with other things, with other people, talking to other people. Murtaza is all alone, anxious because there is no one there to calm that anxiety with a gentle touch.

    He wants his mother to be with him, to hold his hand, to talk to him softly, to touch his face gently. It is like a hunger, and he is hungry. Then one day he gets sick, the flu, maybe. He can’t eat, has fever, feels weak, but something good is happening: his mother is finally there for him! Taking care of him, placing her hand gently on his forehead to check for temperature, she feeds him soup, spoonful by spoonful, patiently, talking softly to him.

    Fast forward, Murtaza the teenager and young man longs for that care, that gentle touch when he was sick, so he imagines feeling as weak as when he was sick, and he imagines a woman taking care of him, touching him gently, cuddling. This is the only way to calm his anxiety, long enough so he can fall asleep.

    anita

    #361049
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you are right as always thank you

    #361053
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Murtaza. I  hope you sleep well tonight.

    anita

    #360747
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita

    I’ve been looking for a place to my feelings. I guess I’ll do it here then. It’s about a girl. So I met this girl 7-8 months back at the sports academy and we’ve been playing together since then. She’s always been by doubles partner. Slowly our relation went outside the court and we started hanging out fairly often. I really cherish her company and being with her made me understand what the phrase time flies means. Hours pass by and it looks like just a couple of minutes. I really love her with all my heart and I have really never felt the same for anyone else.  But the thing is she is 3 years older to me and her family is looking for a boy for her and apparently they  havef one. When I came to know this my heart just sunk. I felt hollow inside. I’ve been wanting to tell her what i feel since a long time but just don’t what she feels for me. We definitely are very close to each other and she cares a lot about me. I don’t know whether this is just a friendship or something more. And the age factor confused me more. Just dont know whether I should take a step forward and ask her out. I’m too scared of losing what we have now if things don’t go well.

    #361163
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    Somehow you got deactivated, so you appear as “Anonymous Inactive”. Please activate yourself and I will be glad to reply further to you.

    anita

    #361242
    Murtaza
    Participant

    this is not me. apparently its someone who came here by accident. feel free to respone to him here since he seem lost

    #361251
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    Thank you for the note. I am not going to respond to a member who is no longer active (“Anonymous Inactive”).

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 76 through 90 (of 95 total)

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