June 28, 2020 at 4:00 pm #359870
“people seem to think that … just because they did it everyone can”- I saved and traveled to another country, leaving my country behind, not in spite of it being difficult to move away on my own, but because it was easier for me.
Some people said I was courageous to have traveled on my own, so far away, being in a new country all by myself, but it isn’t true: it was so much easier to be on my own in a new country than it was to live with/ close to my mother.
(Unfortunately, like I mentioned before, I didn’t make a clean break and I reunited with my mother, in the new country and back in the old, repeatedly).
In your case, if it feels to you more difficult for you to leave your situation than it is to stay, I am guessing it is not as bad for you to stay where you are, as it was for me to stay where I was. You wrote that you feel peace of mind, mostly. I had no peace of mind, I suffered greatly where I was.
So much so, that it felt like anything would be better. And indeed, anything and everything away from my mother.. was better than my life with her.
And so, I agree with what I think that you meant: people’s situations are different and one shouldn’t judge another based solely on one’s personal situation and experience, assuming it is the same for the other person.
June 28, 2020 at 5:58 pm #359877
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by anita.
it was so much easier
i can imagine being a female in the middle east would be really hard enough to live with especially back in the days so yes anything is better.
i wanted to ask you about something. i dont usually tell people my current situation but i feel like its would be really good since i dont know what to do. i recently began to talk with iraqi girl. she is also kinda depressed like me so we have some understanding. we are kinda friends. the thing is everytime i talk to her i have these feeling when i fantasize. i told her some but she doesn’t seem to care. she was nice actually because i dont know her very well. i decided to stop talking to her. every time i think about her i have the same feelings. i fantasize about her since its way easier then make up Scenarios. even though i had a lot of anxiety because i was kinda excited at the beginning. i dont actually get excited a lot but when i do its anxiety. i decided just to fantasize about her from now on even though i want to talk to her. its just hard to talk to her about anything when i have those feelings. i dont know if its love because i dont really know her. and i care about her so i dont want to bother her. because she doesnt seem to enjoy talking to me. infact she has avoidant personality disorder and i have too, but i just dont care about it. she want a person who cares so they could help each other. i dont think i have this. i think that since i am kinda Pessimist i will hurt her more then benefit her. and that would hurt me
what do you think ?June 28, 2020 at 6:24 pm #359881
I read your recent post but it is not very clear so it is difficult for me to understand and reply quickly, especially since it is evening my time and I am quite tired.
Did you talk to her so far online, on the phone and/ or in person?
1. “I told her some but she doesn’t seem to care”- what did you tell her and how did she respond?
2. “she want a person who cares”- what did she say to you on the matter/ what were her words?
3. “every time I think about her, I have the same feelings”- what feelings?
Tell me more about her and your interactions with her, if you want to, and I will attentively read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 11 hours from now.
anitaJune 28, 2020 at 7:28 pm #359884
Did you talk to her so far online, on the phone
i did talk to her on the phone.
what did you tell her and how did she respond?
about my feelings. i told her that i might love her and i dont know. i told her that i like to be weak in front of women. she didnt say anything (i didnt told her that on the phone). we are only friends. i dont think she looks at me like a boyfriend or something and me too.
what did she say to you on the matter/ what were her words?
she told me that she always wanted a friend to share with his experience and to gain knowledge from each other. to recovered both together. she dont mind that i dont care but i feel like i would only hurt her and myself.
feeling vulnerable, just wanting to beg her (for some reason) wanting to hug her and cry. wanting to be weak in front of her
i will add if i think of more thingsJune 29, 2020 at 4:30 am #359900
I imagine about talking to her a lot. Since she takes a day sometimes to replay (i excuse her of course). And when i do i feel pain in my chest. And when i do feel that pain i want more to be hugged just to relieve that pain. I feel like if i hugged someone chest to chest i would feel less pain in my chest.June 29, 2020 at 6:37 am #359910
“I feel like if I hugged someone chest to chest I would feel less pain in my chest”- what an original way of describing a hug, and it is biologically true: for social animals such as humans, physical touch really does relieve emotional/ physical pain. Chemicals in our brains are released when hugged or gently touched and those chemicals relieve pain or otherwise make us feel good.
“she told me that she always wanted a friend to share with his experience and to gain knowledge from each other, to recover both together”- I like it that she said that, sounds very good to me, particularly the recovering “both together” part.
“just wanting to beg her (for some reason) wanting to hug her and cry, wanting to be weak in front of her”- I wouldn’t beg her, if I was you, but I would hug her and cry and I would express weakness in front of her, starting with a bit of weakness, so to see how she responds before expressing more weakness.
June 29, 2020 at 6:23 pm #360028
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by anita.
what an original way of describing a hug, and it is biologically true
i always thought there is a real meaning to my fantasies. its sad im not very connected to emotional myself
but I would hug her and cry and I would express weakness in front of her
i dont think this would ever happen, but i get what you meanJune 29, 2020 at 6:48 pm #360032
You are not the only lonely young person where you live with pain in your chest. There are young women too who are lonely and who need to be “hugged.. chest to chest” (I still like the way you put it, there should be a song using your words, I can almost hear the music to it).
But you say it is impossible, that “this would never happen”, so what can I say.
anitaJuly 5, 2020 at 11:07 am #360704
hi, since i couldn’t answer you unless i actually try, i did and it didn’t workout (duh). i had absolutely no hope for it and i knew it. as i said “this would never happen”. maybe tho with another girl and when i grow up i dont know the future.
how are you feeling today ?
you know i imagine talking to you (and some older friends that i lost touch with) sometimes. its more comforting then fantasizing (because it could actually happen). sometimes i just do it for hours. but when i leave the bed the desire is gone (of talking to you). its like i get disconnected. it also happens with fantasizing. its like the bed is my safe place of feeling vulnerable.July 5, 2020 at 12:40 pm #360711
I am fine, thank you. I was wondering if I would read back from you, good to read from you!
“it’s like the bed is my safe place”- because you lie down in bed relaxed, I figure. When I was most anxious in my life, as a teenager and around your age, I used to lie down a whole lot of the time, listening to music and fantasizing. Those were the times I felt good.. I didn’t stress myself, didn’t try to do anything. Minimal movement while physically comfortable is a very effective way to relax.
“I imagine talking to you.. it’s more comforting than fantasizing (because it could actually happen)”, and it did happen in real life: about an hour and a half ago you sent me a message and I answered it. This exchange between us is as real as real can be.
July 5, 2020 at 2:51 pm #360727
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by anita.
you are right. the only problem is that whenever i come and do actually talk to you i have nothing to say. even when i try to memorize what i wanted to say (what i said in my imagination) i just lose the words. and when i do actually try i feel like im forcing the words to come out. or just like when i used to ask my teacher silly question just to talk to him. and i dont wanna do that again.
i had a wonderful idea, since we tend to follow our beliefs . we tend to act and feel based on our beliefs on some things. im gonna list some that i think i have and tell you why i have them in the first place. i know most of them are silly and wrong but for some reason they still have an effect on me. or at least i think they do. (maybe because i did actually believed in them in the past and never cared enough to change any of them). i will write them one by one so its easier
i believe that life is only going to be worse for me. this belief i had when i was 14-13. i thought that the more i get older the more i became more miserable and life gets harder. the problem is when i was growing up it was true. i saw life only getting worst and worst every year. i know it is wrong because im way better now then ever. but i can defend this belief with some things. now my mental health became way worse then ever and in the past at least i used to care about things. i am weaker and more helpless then ever and i dont think that i will ever change. and it can only get worse.July 5, 2020 at 3:27 pm #360730
If in reply-post to you I miss something important that you wrote in your post (I don’t respond to it), please let me know what it is that I missed. Sometimes I don’t fully understand something you bring up, or I am tired and fail to pay attention to something important that you wrote, so please let me know anytime that happens.
“I believe that life is going to be worse for me.. the more I get older the more I became more miserable and life gets harder… my mental health became way worse than ever and in the past at least I used to care about things. I am weaker and more helpless than ever and I don’t think I will ever change, and it can only get worse”-
– I will tell you about what I learned in my experience, and I will tell you about it just as it has been for me, not changing anything in my telling so to convince you to change your belief, not at all. Here is my experience: my mental health did get worse and worse. It was like a ball of mud that rolls down a muddy hill. The ball of mud is like my mental sickness and the hill is life as the years progressed and I grew older. The more I rolled down the hill, so to speak, the more mud/ more mental sickness was added to the ball of mud.
In life nothing stands still, so a ball of mud doesn’t stay the same: either mud is added to it or mud is taken out. In my life, from childhood to being a teenager, a young adult and onward, no healing took place. I didn’t receive any mental help, so I became sicker and sicker and less functional.
In 2011 I had my first quality psychotherapy and my healing started. Nine years later, I am mentally healthier than I have been since I was a baby or a very young child. There is way less mud in .. that ball of mud that I am today, so to speak.
Back to your belief, based on my experience: yes, I think you are likely to get sicker and your life worse if you don’t engage in a healing process. Healing, I learned, is natural, and it is available to every living thing. I can see it in nature, as I live in a wooded area: lots and lots of trees and plants and animals, and every time a branch falls or a tree falls or an animal gets injured, as long as it isn’t dead, it starts to heal right away. A plant or an animal doesn’t intend to heal or plans it, it just happens. It is nature’s way. Mental healing is of course more complicated than physical healing, but still nature’s motivation is to heal.
July 5, 2020 at 4:37 pm #360737
- This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by anita.
If in reply-post to you I miss something important that you wrote in your post (I don’t respond to it), please let me know what it is that I missed. Sometimes I don’t fully understand something you bring up, or I am tired and fail to pay attention to something important that you wrote, so please let me know anytime that happens
you are always on point. im very glad that you are talking to me in the first place. even when you assume your assumption sometimes on point.
i understand and i feel the same way.
another belief i have is that. life isn’t worth living its not worth fighting for. there is no reward at the end of the fight. nor the fight is fear or good (at least to me). another problem is that the good things about life isnt really good to me. they dont bring me joy. also the good isnt as good as the bad is bad. the bad has more effect on me. adding that life is mostly bad (i can say its 70% bad 30% good). even if somehow the good were 50% it wouldn’t match. i should only minimize suffering.
i had therapy before. i would actually try again if there was good ones in iraq. the ones we have are only the kind to give pills (from first session). i would fight mental health (i tried before with books and people advice) and i would fight my strong desire to give up. if there was a guaranteed (not hope) that there is something that worth all that fighting. my desire to love isnt that strong. in fact i accepting a long time ago that i will never have that desire because i choose this life. and its alright if i get to keep this life. i shouldn’t buy love. what kind of love is this? if there was love i should have it for being myself not work and change my whole personality to fit in society and then just to hope somebody would love me. i dont want this kind of love. what i mean by love her isnt a wife or a girlfriend. any form of love. even in my fantasy i dont want a girlfriend or wife. i know that i dont deserve such thing because i have a lot of mental stuff.July 5, 2020 at 5:10 pm #360738
I think that you posted the above at 2:37 am. I wonder if its the hot middle east July nights that is the reason you are awake so late at night? I remember getting the only relief from the heat in the early hours of the morning. But I don’t know if that’s the reason you are awake so later/ early in the morning. Maybe it is air conditioned where you live. In any case, you should be asleep as I type this, at after 3 am your time. I am tired now (5:10 pm my time) and will read and reply to your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 13 hours from now.
anitaJuly 6, 2020 at 8:26 am #360775
I will paraphrase what you expressed in your recent post, integrating a bit of what you shared earlier. Please let me know if I understand correctly:
Things that other people enjoy- you don’t. And things that bother you a lot, don’t bother other people so much. For you, life is about 70% suffering. If you go to school, earn a degree, and/ or get a job, work to get a better job, save money, get married, etc., you will suffer more because there is a lot of suffering in doing all that work for such a long, long time.
If there is a reward big enough to justify all that work and extra suffering, maybe you will do all the work, but you want a guarantee of that reward. Hoping for a reward is not good enough and it is extremely frustrating. A guarantee is necessary for you to put all that effort. Plus, what’s so great about love if you have to buy it with work and money and fitting in with society. And you don’t deserve love anyway.
The best solution you came up with is to not put out the effort, work and fighting, so that there is less suffering in your life (“I should only minimize suffering”). Your plan is to make your life as easy as possible, not study, not work, not attempt to get a girlfriend or wife, but stay to yourself, making your life as simple and easy as possible.
My input today: what motivates me to put in the work and effort I put into my life is not a hope or a guarantee of a future reward. Whar motivates me is curiosity. I am curious to learn more and know more about life and people. This kind of learning is not an academic learning, but a here-and-now involvement and engagement in life. As I communicate with you, Murtaza, I am learning about you. And as I learn about you, I learn more about me. We humans really are one species, having so much in common. Learning makes my life interesting. Every day, I know I have only this one day. Sometimes I feel depressed, but when I think of what I am learning today, the depression goes away.
Some people see life strictly as pleasure vs. pain, moving away from pain and seeking pleasure is the goal. This is understandable, all living things are motivated by emotions. Thing is, with me, learning in itself makes me feel good, it gives me meaning.