Because your screen name is Iranian, as far as I know (you may be Iranian or not), I googled and found this website, looking for clues to the answer I didn’t get from you (what were your mother’s false hopes and damaged logic?)

Im sorry im from iraq so its close to iran. And thank you for going through all this trouble you really do care

” (I am guessing this is not the case in your household, that neither you nor your mother are involved in decision making. I wonder though how your father has responded to you dropping out of school and not seeking employment)

Well since my mother doesn’t respect my opinion and i don’t really care enough to be the man of the house she is the household. Which still to this day gives me anxiety because in iraq a woman shouldn’t do that when there is a man. So this is one of the reasons people look small of me. Because “how dare i not take of my own mother and take in charge of the house”. But everytime i do actually take the charge she tells me that this is wrong. Everytime i try to she judge me and makes me feel like im not a man to be in charge. And the times i do good when i was in charge doesn’t feel like anything.

One annoying thing that whenever she sent me to the store and tells me to buy X. When i don’t find X and get back empty handed. She tells me why i didn’t buy Y. Then another time when i buy Y she tells me that i should just get back empty handed.

My father died before i drop out. His death was a relief to us all. he was old man nagging all the time and fighting with us for no reason. He always told me when i failed in school that i am a loser. It was his way to parent me and show support apparently. Even if he was alive he had no right to change my mind about not dropping.

When i grew older i thought that my father was right i am a loser. I accepted that long time ago.

I remember when i failed in school for the first time whenever i go to school i used to carry the whole books in my bag. And walk to the school it was half a hour walk. I used to think i deserve it because i failed and no one actually care about punishing me. I used to not spend money and not take any money from my father. I was 15. I even remember my mother telling me to take money from him and in front of both of them i told her that no because i failed. He laughed. He was glad because he was very cheap.

The second time i failed in school i used to cry in my room a lot. Infact it was the first time i cry this much in my life. My mother made me feel guilty because she told me why did you failed when i gave you everything. I remember that i promised myself everytime someone talks about me falling i would just go and watch porn. Since porn/masterbation used to make me feel good and forget. And i did it a lot. With movies and videogames to forgot. I got isolated and saw no point of having friends but then i learn about religion and that a whole another subject

Family problems in general and children’s problems in particular are kept inside the family. In such cases most people prefer to try and solve them on their own rather than seeking help from outside” (I wonder how true this is in your life).

yes it is true. we never ask anyone’s help. we just deal with them inside the family. so we had a history of terrible decisions by my mother. i actually cant make any decisions because everytime i make one it ends up being bad even the good ones are not worth it

I wonder if your father and mother are expecting you to go back to school, if they see your current stay at home doing nothing- assuming you are doing nothing- as temporary)

i made it clear to my mother that i wont. she doesnt have any right to even tell me. my father had a house and retirement and thats the only things he gave us.

You wrote about your father that he  “didn’t bother much to raise us. He was a bad influence”

by bad influence i mean that he was Unemployed doesnt do anything just stay in his room watching tv (you can see where i come from). he didnt had much friends and he didnt care much about life. i dont remember him teaching me something or being a father.

I am guessing that your mother has been warm and affectionate with you, being the singular source of warmth and affection in your young life

i dont remember it to be like that to be honest. maybe my feelings for her now makes me blind but all i remember that she was good. and i respected her for doing father-mother job but it seems she was bad at both. we didnt had an understanding she isnt the type who talk.

But she was weak and maybe abused by your father. You wanted to help her, to protect her from your father

yes you are right. sometimes they get in fights and i always fight with my dad for her. and protect her from him not only she but my younger sister.

to protect your source of love, to be strong for her, but you failed

i dont think i failed i remember i always makes my dad fight with me instead of her.

I wonder if your father beat your mother and his children, you included. I wonder if you greatly needed to rescue your mother, and that it led to your intense feeling of being powerless, too weak to help your mother. I wonder if what you desired more than anything was to help your mother, to rescue her, to make her strong.

he did but rarely. though he was always in the fight with my mother and the whole family. i dont know about rescuing my mother. i didnt had very strong feelings for her to be honest. when i said she loved me i meant when i was a child. i see her sometimes with babies and she is very loving. my brother used to beat me when i was a child because he was jealous from me when i was born. i remember my mother telling me that he used to get really jealous from me and he used to hit me hard. of course i dont remember any of this. i think what made me feel powerless is later on. when i knew i had depression and i cant continue school and there is no one to help and i gotta just accept the fact that i am a loser since i had the feeling of giving up and i used to blame myself for having it.

although i had similar fantasias when i was younger. but thats another whole subject

I wonder if what you meant by her “damaged logic” is the damaged, weak logic of what she told you when you tried to talk sense to her. Her logic was weak And her hopes were based on that weak logic.

since she was at home most of her life and when she married she was only 19. she is very traditional person. and never changes her mind about anything even when its wrong. the life before was very ignorance especially in place that had many wars. so you can see what i mean

Just so i can be clear about some things cause. one of the reasons i didn’t want to talk about my life is because i will make myself look like the victim. So im trying not to

you told her “no, because I failed”. Your father heard that and laughed. “He was glad because he was cheap”.

When he heard me and laughed he laughed because he knew i hated myself but didn’t bother to do anything. He was glad overall that i don’t take money from him.

The second time you failed in school, your mother made you feel guilty, saying: “why did you fail when I gave you everything”

She did that the first time too. Making me have a lot of self hatred for myself because i was the “good kid”

But you didn’t describe in your posts any memory of her loving you.

Cause i don’t remember feeling love for her. I remember one time i get in a store she was outside and the guy was scary. I ran out to her and cried i was 13 (so i was old for something like that). There was a second time also something like this. I just remember her judging me and not knowing how to handle it. Saying something like “be strong”. When i got older and became depressed (and since she didn’t believed in mental illness) she always blamed me for being weak. And not doing enough.

But he did bother to tell you that you were a loser when you failed school. “It was his way to parent me and show support apparently”

What i meant is that it was his way of helping. Telling me that i am a loser so i can get better. Cause he doesn’t like to use nice words.

Your mother once told you that you are not a man for not controlling your sister.

That was something recent because i stoped caring to be the “man of the house” and became a little feminist. She don’t like that.

I agree, he wouldn’t have the right and she doesn’t have any right over you. You owe her nothing. You have no debt to her. (If anyone owes anyone, it is she who owes you a whole lot).

Whenever i used to tell some of problems to people about this kind of stuff. They always told me that “it is your father” and “you should be thankful to him for giving you birth” like life is so amazing. And since i was religous i used to believe such things. I hate those people and since iraq is a religious country they are everywhere

I still feel bad sometimes for having not wanting to do anything with my mother.

I am okay with you not going on an adventure journey, like in the movie. You don’t have to. I am okay with you staying where you are, doing nothing much, as long as you do have peace of mind,

thank you. the best thing i did was to just quit life. i talked to many people and they always blame me for wanting this. for wanting just to live. i dont want no woman no money no accomplishments. and im not hurting anyone. but of course people seem to think that there feelings/thoughts/mindset etc. are universal. and just because they did it everyone can.