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i cant cry anymore

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  • #359339
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Please do what it takes to get away from and protect yourself from people who hurt you, and please, do all that you can to be a good person, good to yourself and good to other people.

    i try to. thank you

     

    Please move away from the attitude of hating all people and selectively, turn toward love and away from hate.

    i dont hate them i just want nothing to do with them,

     

    i guess i will talk to you when i have something wroth your time, i remember there was a teacher when i was 17 i really liked to talk to. i used to ask him about god and religion i liked talking to him so i kept going on his class everyday to talk to him even when i didnt had anything to ask him for. i just wanted to be friends with him. im glad tho i didnt became friends with him. it turns out just fine. being lonely i found out a lot of things about myself\the world.

    #359342
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I am guessing your really wanted to be friends with that teacher, and that you were very disappointed that you didn’t succeed being his friend. Did you try hard to get him to be your friend?

    anita

    #359360
    Murtaza
    Participant

    yeah i did. i remember waiting him 2 hours so he can finish class and then he told me some other time. its my fault really i should’ve knew the truth. i remember i decided to just fantasize talking to him cause its better and easier and gonna happen always. i think i can never have what i really want because what i really want is not real its a fantasy there is a good quote.

     

    If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe what you want isn’t what you want, you just enjoy wanting”

    #359365
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I know about Fantasy. Here is what I know about Fantasy: it is a product of a young child’s mind where everything is possible and what you intensely want, when you imagine it happening, it is the very best feeling in the world, the very best emotional experience.

    Fast forward, as the child grows up, nothing in real life can feel as good as Fantasy felt. I don’t fantasize anymore because I know too well, that whatever I fantasized happening, when it happened, did not feel  as good as I imagined it to feel, not even close.

    If your teacher chose to be your friend now, it won’t feel as good as you imagined it to feel. Same with cuddling with a strong, independent woman. You may have a few good moments here and there, but.. we always get to have good moments here and there once in a while.

    All in all, Reality is a better choice than Fantasy, generally speaking. Exceptions exist, of course. Living awake in reality overall feels better than Fantasy.

    anita

     

    #359369
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    “I remember waiting (for) him 2 hours so he can finish class and then he told me some other time”- I can imagine how disappointed you were, how sad, how hurt. I wish he didn’t tell you “some other time”. I wish he was happy that you waited for him and told you: this is the time, I want to talk with you about… (this or that).

    “It’s my fault really, I should’ve knew the truth”- no, it is not your fault for having hope that a person you liked would like you back.

    You need someone to feel empathy for you, to feel sorry when you are hurt, to be sad when you are sad. If it was up to me, your life would be much better.

    anita

     

    #359459
    Murtaza
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>that whatever I fantasized happening, when it happened, did not feel as good as I imagined it to feel, not even close.</p>

    I wish i can do that. I knew when i grew up fantasizing a lot its gonna be bad in the future. But i really don’t worry about the future. The president is whats important to me. Im so used to fantasize before sleeping that i can’t sleep when i don’t fantasize. Can’t i have both? Even when i know i probably won’t have what i want but i like the idea of that it can happen there is a possibility. Can’t i treat those two experiences as separate things? Because they are. When i fantasy its like watching a really good movie. Im not in it. But someone like me. And i always have low expectations in real life so i probably won’t get disappointed much if it ever happen.

     

    All in all, Reality is a better choice than Fantasy, generally speaking. Exceptions exist, of course. Living awake in reality overall feels better than Fantasy.

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Whats so good about reality? I don’t know to be honest but i feel good when fantasizing way more then i do in reality. Isn’t that the point? I feel that the only bad thing about fantasy is that it makes you have expectation. The experience is ultimately better.</p>
     

    I wish he was happy that you waited for him and told you: this is the time, I want to talk with you about

    Then i will learn this lesson from someone else. I was raised with false hope and damaged logic and i had to learn. Maybe i went too extreme with my logic but oh well

     

    If it was up to me, your life would be much better

    What would you do? And why do i get to have a better life without deserving it?

    #359460
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    I will re-read your recent post in the morning when I am more focused. I am not focused now to fully absorb what you wrote. Can you answer the following (for me to read and reply to in about 15 hours from now):

    1. “I was raised with false hopes and damaged logic”- what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?

    2. “why do I get to have a better life without deserving it?”- why don’t you deserve a better life?

    anita

     

     

    #359462
    Murtaza
    Participant

    what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?

    Well it isn’t anything specific. But judge by my mother personality i can see why i struggled when i was a little. She is very hopeful and doesn’t use any logic. Traditional and doesn’t have much experience in life. My father in the other hand didn’t bothered much to raise us. He was just bad influence.

     

    why don’t you deserve a better life?

    Cause i have to earn such life. Not to have it given to me. i don’t deserve it because i didn’t do anything to deserve it. I actually think this is the best life i can ever get. I really can’t imagine a better life. I always think that if i couldn’t maintain this lifestyle i would just suicide (don’t worry im not suicidal)

    #359464
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    “I don’t deserve (a better life) because I didn’t do anything to deserve it”- depends what you mean by “better life”. If you mean that you don’t deserve an expensive car because you didn’t work, make  money and therefore you can’t buy the car- I understand you not deserving the car.

    What I mean by a “better life” is you feeling much better than you are feeling much of the time, way better: peace of mind, contentment (not always, but generally). And you do deserve to generally feel better because you are a good person, you said it yourself, didn’t you, that you are a good person?

    * I am still not focused, so I will turn off the computer and be back to your thread in about 13 hours from now.

    anita

    #359527
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    What I understand about you is that you wanted/ desired so much when you were younger, but received nothing, or almost nothing, of what you desired. When a person desires for so long and gets nothing, a person gets tired of desiring, tired of  hoping.

    So the person gives up. It is similar to this: when a tree needs water for a long time and gets no water (the earth is dry, no water in the ground), the tree sheds its leaves (hopes, dreams and expectations), and over time, the branches will get drier and drier, break and fall, and after a long time, all that is left is just the trunk of the tree and roots that gave up on finding water.

    “I always have low expectations in real life so I probably won’t get disappointed much”- that’s you being that trunk of a tree, shedding expectations, hopes and dreams. That’s you giving up on your branches and leaves.

    “When I fantasize it’s like watching a really good movie. I’m not in it. But someone like me… What’s so good about reality?”- reads like nothing is good in your personal reality, other than the ability to fantasize, and making life as easy and comfortable as possible for yourself (dropping out of school, not seeking employment, living off your father’s retirement).

    You pointed to a disadvantage to fantasizing: “I feel that the only bad thing about fantasy is that it makes you have expectation”: Fantasy satisfies desire temporarily, so you can sleep at night, but it also feeds desire, so you have to fantasize the next night, and every night.

    You wrote earlier: I was raised with false hope and damaged logic”, and later you wrote about your mother: “She is very hopeful and doesn’t use logic”. I asked you yesterday: “what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?”. You didn’t give me any information regarding the questions I asked, saying “It isn’t anything specific” (which is saying nothing at all).

    Because your screen name is Iranian, as far as I know (you may be  Iranian or not), I googled and found this website, looking for clues to the answer I didn’t get from you (what were your mother’s false hopes and damaged logic?)

    The website is iranchamber. com/ society/ articles/ patriarchy parental control. I will quote from it and in parentheses share my thoughts with you (I will be guessing and wondering a lot):

    “… Traditionally, the male head of the family would make most major domestic and financial decisions and quite often with consultation with other male relatives, but not female members of the household. This has changed with modern Iranians. Now wives and grown-up children participate actively in such decision-making” (I am guessing this is not the case in your household, that neither you nor your mother are involved in decision making. I wonder though how your father has responded to you dropping out of school and not seeking employment)

    “… Family problems in general and children’s problems in particular are kept inside the family. In such cases most people prefer to try and solve them on their own rather than seeking help from outside” (I wonder how true this is in your life).

    “The education of children is a major issue for most Iranians and the affluent families spend a fortune to make sure their children will have the best possible education.. Most decisions, about what to study and what path to follow, will be taken by consulting with parents and other elders in the family… Parents who can afford it are expected to pay for all educational and living expenses” (I wonder if your father and mother are expecting you to go back to school, if they see your current stay at home doing nothing- assuming you are doing nothing- as temporary).

    “.. In short, although there is much parental control in Iranian families, the warmth, affection and immense love that most Iranians have for their children eases the tensions and most children willingly feel obliged to trust, obey the rules and comply with their parents guidance and advice. However, if such affections and trust are missing and it does happen, conflict between generations or self- destructive behavior by children such as addictions and use of violence by parents, mainly fathers, could be expected” (You wrote about your father that he  “didn’t bother much to raise us. He was a bad influence”.  I am guessing you didn’t receive warmth, affection and immense love from your father. On the other hand you shared that your mother loved you a lot. So I am guessing that you did receive warmth and affection from her.

    I am guessing that your mother has been warm and affectionate with you, being the singular source of warmth and affection in your young life. But she was weak and maybe abused by your father. You wanted to help her, to protect her from your father, to protect your source of love, to be strong for her, but you failed.. which leads to your fantasy of cuddling and being close to a strong and independent woman- unlike your weak and dependent mother).

    “Dysfunctional families have become a lot more common in Iran and amongst Iranians outside the country; however, it is still a taboo with many to discuss family matters openly or with qualified councilors. The educated and modern classes deplore parental and spousal violence but beating up children and wives is  known to exist amongst the less educated and lower classes” (I wonder if your father beat your mother and his children, you included. I wonder if you greatly needed to rescue your mother, and that it led to your intense feeling of being powerless, too weak to help your mother. I wonder if what you desired more than anything was to help your mother, to rescue her, to make her strong.

    I wonder if what you meant by her “damaged logic” is the damaged, weak logic of what she told you when you tried to talk sense to her. Her logic was weak And her hopes were based on that weak logic.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 year, 3 months ago by anita.
    #359614
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you feeling much better than you are feeling much of the time, way better: peace of mind, contentment

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>How can i have that? I do feel peace of mind mostly. I do things for myself sometimes and take care of myself.</p>
     

    And you do deserve to generally feel better because you are a good person, you said it yourself, didn’t you, that you are a good person?

    I am a good person yes. I don’t know how that makes me deserve anything. I just don’t put effort into things because im too lazy.

    #359618
    Murtaza
    Participant

    What I understand about you is that you wanted/ desired so much when you were younger, but received nothing, or almost nothing, of what you desired. When a person desires for so long and gets nothing, a person gets tired of desiring, tired of hoping.

    I just remembered that i always wanted an xbox when i was a kid. I used to pray a lot for it. I also imagined having it a lot at nights. I remember that i told my mother and she just bought my brother a pc. She told me ok but she never actually bought it. Even when we did have the money. I remember that my brother used to always get what he wants when i used to play on his pc whenever he wanted to play he would told me to move. He used to fight with me and beat me. My mother didn’t do a lot to stop him and my father didn’t care. He used to beat me in front of his friends sometimes one time i decided to stop talking to him. And its been 5 years. We talk sometimes but i don’t really care about him i want nothing to do with him. He has a lot of psychological problems. He is very selfish and there is no point of talking to him since i get sick when i do.

     

    I remember when i was a teenager my uncle beat me and i was really scared. My father was in the house but he didnt even come and defend me. My father and mother were apart. I was crying in the bathroom alone hiding from my uncle and and then he comes again and was screaming i was really scared my other uncle was in the room but i still didn’t feel protected. it was really clear to me that i am alone in this world and no one gonna help me.

     

    I grow up wanting the xbox more and more. I remember the last time when i wanted to buy the new one. In 2016. I told my mother and how unfair that my brother got his new ps4 and gave me his pc. She told me that since i failed school its fair. I end up falling another year. But when i passed but by that time there was already a new version she told me that its too much and i already got a pc and a phone. I never wanted it again.

     

    I also remember wanting to marry to much. To talk to a female and love her and have sex with her. To have a wife. Then i knew that i have to work at least 10 years and i was gonna before knowing how hard it is finding a job in the first place. Especially for someone like me who doesn’t have anyone. I ended up working but couldn’t due to stress and despair thinking that i have to do that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry. It was very clear that a better move was just to not want to marry. Cause i knew that i wouldn’t do a good job as a father and as a husband. Especially when i don’t know anything about life.

    #359621
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Murtaza:

    You wrote: “I do feel peace of mind mostly”, “I am a good person”, and “I just don’t put effort into things because I’m too lazy”.

    About wanting and giving up wanting, you shared the following:

    You remember always wanting an xbox when you were a kid, “used to pray a lot for it.. imagined having it a lot at nights”. You asked your mother to buy it for you, she said okay, “but she never actually bought it”. You remember your brother always getting what he wanted, but you didn’t get what you wanted: the xbox. Your brother had a pc. You played on his pc when he didn’t use it. When he wanted to use it, you had to move away from the pc, so that he can play.

    Later, your brother got a new ps4, and his old pc was passed on to you. You then told your mother that it was unfair that your brother got his  new ps4, and all you had was his old pc, that you wanted an xbox! But she told you that you are not going to get an xbox because you failed in school. When you finally passed school, she told you that the xbox (new version) was too expensive, and that you “already got a pc and a phone”.

    After wanting an xbox or years, you “never wanted it again”.

    You shared that you wanted to get married, a lot, “To talk to a female and love her and have sex with her. To have a wife”, but then you found out that you will “have to work at least 10 years” before you could do any of the things you wanted to do with a female. You started working for this goal, but “couldn’t due to stress and despair thinking that I  have to do that for the next 10 years just to get a proper money to marry”.

    So you gave up on that too, just like you gave up on the xbox.

    Your brother used to fight with you and beat you, sometimes in front of his friends. Your mother didn’t do a lot to stop him and your father didn’t care. You hardly talked with your brother for 5 years, and when you do talk with him, it makes you sick. When you were a teenager your uncle beat you and your father was in the house, but “he didn’t even come to defend me”. You hid from that uncle in the bathroom as he kept screaming at you. Another uncle was there, but he didn’t protect you either.

    “It was really clear to me that I am alone in this world and no one gonna help me”.

    My thoughts today: on one hand I am glad that finally you gave me some real-life information about you and I don’t have to guess and wonder so much anymore, but on the other my heart is breaking for you. No wonder you gave up  on wanting things (ex. xbox) and people (a woman to be with). No wonder you are not motivated to study and work. You grew up in a very unjust/ unfair home where your brother was preferred, he came first, you .. didn’t even come second, but far behind. You were promised and the promises were not delivered. No wonder.. I understand now, and I am so sad.

    Back to what you wrote in your first post today: “I do feel peace of mind mostly”- how do you manage to do that? I mean, your mother, your father, your brother, uncles.. how are they treating you these days?

    anita

    #359624
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I asked you yesterday: “what were the false hopes? What was the damaged logic?”. You didn’t give me any information regarding the questions I asked, saying “It isn’t anything specific” (which is saying nothing at all).

    Im sorry i just don’t like to talk about my mother since it bothers me. I don’t want to talk about her or have anything to do with her. I don’t care if its my fault. Every time we talk she misunderstand me. She doesn’t respect my opinion. Whenever we go out she do stupid stuff that attracts men attention and i left out with anxiety for not being able to protect her. Since she depends on people i always had anxiety whenever it was a man. At least when i was a kid. And i had a lot of bad experiences with this. A lot of the time men harrassed her and i was always defending her. Even when i didn’t know how. My brother didn’t care and my father didn’t care.

     

    There was also my big sisters which was very soical person so she always wanted to go out i had to go with her and men harrassed her. I was 13-12. I hated it so much and had a lot of anxiety whenever she or my mother wanted to go out.

     

    the false hope was how the world is and how things are. Like the world is a happy place things like that. Since she have a lot of psychological problem. One is that she have Epilepsy but was always going on magicians and religious people. Whenever i tell her to see a doctor she tells me that she went one time and he gave her pills that made her sleep. Whenever i talk to her she sound like a kid. Doesn’t know anything about life. Very simple minded. Everything is black and white. And whenever i talk with her and try to convince her she agrees with me when we are talking and doesn’t say her opinion. but then do the opposite. She makes really stupid decisions and me and the whole family take the consequences then feel bad about her self and me and the familiy take the consequences of comforting her. She has a victim mentally. She told me one day that i am not a man for not controling my sister.

    Talking about her makes me think i care and i don’t really

    #359627
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Im still answering your questions. For some reason i had fresh memory of things so i will answer as best as i can

     

     

    and I am so sad.

    Thank you you make me very warm inside.

     

    how do you manage to do that? I mean, your mother, your father, your brother, uncles.. how are they treating you these days?

    I just don’t care about them. My father is dead. Since 2018.

     

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