Hello anita, i wanted to this post long time but i always got lazy, i hope its no bother, i understand you said that you won’t respond anymore, i just wanted to say stuff.

I wish i could cry about this, not because you are not gonna talk to me, but because i was a bit of trouble to you (you expressed that in your last 3 posts). It hurts, my whole point of being alone is not to hurt anybody or trouble anyone.

I guess because i need understanding and acceptance i fool myself that i don’t, when i start talking to you it was really not about me wanting to cry (it was more of a side mission). You are right the main goal was those.

i remember when i saw your first comment the first thing that came to my mind is that, she sounds really kind and understanding, i wish i could talk to her for a while. Maybe she could help me. And im really attracted to kindness and understanding. Especially if its a female, i guess its because i have (childhood emotional neglect). Sometimes i just can’t control it.

I tried to talk to many females just to get that feeling, that i lost from my childhood. Its like being thirsty without any water, all the time, and i try to hard to just get a glimpse of that taste of it even if its online. Even if its imagination,

I live in a desert. And the only water i could get is from my mind. Im trying to love myself more, to not be so thirsty, maybe its me i don’t love myself enough that i need love from others, i ask myself how would you treat someone you love ? And i treat myself as such, with kindness and understanding.

But the thirst will always be here, its a normal state for me, i actually like that thirst, because when i don’t feel thirsty i feel so empty, i just feel sad i don’t satisfy it, i feel even more sad about the state of the world, how things run and how things are, how cruel it is, and how fragile i am.

I don’t know if thank you or sorry means anything, but i wish i could do something to you, you give a lot, without anything in return. And i was greedy. I hope you doing alright.

 you expressed that you are suffering on page 1 and 2 and 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7, so I believe that yes, you are suffering a lot

but everyone does, its just life, everyone has problems, if i do something now i know i will have more, i know i will be suffering more if i live life, if i had a son and he had the same problem i would just let him be, life is already hard and ugly, why make it twice as hard ?

I remember your teacher, I remember. You compared me to that teacher- but what did I teach you, Murtaza?

Answer: nothing. This mean.. I am not a teacher to you

its not just my teacher, a few people that i used to talk to and like them because they are kind, and you did teach me some stuff, when you told me about my relationship with my mother, how i wanted to protect her but couldn’t and because of that i have low self esteem and other problems, i could name a few more if you want.

imagine this: a person likes to beat himself with a belt (there are people like that, you know), and he wants someone to watch him beat himself with a belt, it makes him feel warm and ok. Should I provide that service for this person… should I watch him beat himself with a belt?

would you rather him living with anxiety, stress, suicidal thoughts making him over the edge, miserable ? this is what the other option is, and i dont know how to deal with it, with the constant stress and anxiety and wanting to give up, i might do something worst then beating myself with a belt.

Answer: no. If I provided that service, to be an audience for a person who makes himself suffer., it would make me a bad person. I don’t want to be a bad person, Murtaza.

i understand, it makes me sad, its ok though, i like that you exist and you are a real person, at least after a long day of “belt beating” i could imagine someone kind to me.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Murtaza.

hello antina, how are you ?
i am sorry for before because i felt like you are blaming me, i felt so angry for some reason, pherhps because people always in the past told me to do stuff that can help me and nothing did, so i always hated it, because its like (here is your solution and its your fault if you don’t follow it). i just for some reason don’t wanna do anything.
i feel traped in this person who doesn’t care much, there is a tiny feeling in me that feels that, i don’t think this is right at all, but i feel like there is someone (the other me). i used to think and talk like i had two personality, the hurt weak one and the one that knows whats right and wanna protect the other to stay alive, when i used to do a mistake this strong side of me tells me how he is gonna take over and not make me slip again. this was before i get sckptical about everything. and after then i didn’t pay attation to these kind of things.
i remember i used to be really critical to myself and punish it a lot, the majority of it was mentally. i used to do things that give me anxiety, because when i failed in school no one cared, so i used to carry my school bag with all the books and go walk even when i could take a car, i refused to take any money from my father, i might told you about it
sometimes i feel like i really hate myelf, thats why i don’t care much,
now sometimes i dislike being with myself, i feel like i cant do anything (yeah it is learned helplessness) but what do i do about it? i sometimes wish someone keeps me from myself, just take care of me instead of me, i feel like the only help i can get if they force me to do things or brainwash me. cause i won’t do anything.
i always used to take excuses to give up and to not blame myself for it, i used to take depression or soical anxiety, ofcource people always used to blame me, its always my fault for not trying right? but i always feel strong desire to quit, ofcource i never mention any excuses anymore, i just say yeah im a loser or i like this life, they won’t understand anyway, i wish i could tell someone my life and he tell me you are doing well enough its ok, you did in some way.

i talked to someone new, a female from another country, 23, she is sweet and we had a some kind of understanding, the only problem is yesterday she talked about her friend in real life, a 31 old guy who she knows and might like. we are just friends so she told me about him, the way she talks about him and value him, how is she exited and how she cares, made me so jealous and hurt, because she never talked to me in this way. i felt like nothing, like inadequate, like he is better (which he is i guess). i know its my fault for not trying, but i wish i was him, to have someone respects me and cares about me like that, i just say deep down, what did i do wrong to not have this? then i remember girls don’t like a guy like me, i felt like he is a man and because the way i talk and treat women they don’t like me, always act weak and so soft, its just who i am i cant change that
this happened also to the iraqi female i talked to, (and the other few females i talked to) once she started to mentions other males and i get this deep hurt inside, like my manhood is attacked, like im losing the competition, like i am this worthless person that no female like and any man would be better then me because he can satisfy her, even if he treat her bad, i feel pain in my stomch, stress.
its very painful because i really liked the 23 female, i knew i didn’t had a chance and i told her we are just friends, but its so painful to imagine her with someone else that she respects more and appreciate more, because he is a “Man”, i was so nice to her i even knew that if i talk about him i might have jealousy and got hurt but she wanted to talk about him she was very excited.
i don’t think those things are true, i just can’t help but to feel this way, like when i got angery when you told me about learned helplessness, i knew you was right, i just couldn’t help it, the way i deal with these things is not to care about feelings, because they are wrong
and i don’t see myself as a prodect to change and adjest for what “females like”, i am what i am and if they don’t like me its fine. i can’t be a different person, i tried i just don’t feel good. tell me am i wrong about this ? isn’t this the whole point of relationship? to make life easier? to be accepted ?
i just want to cry and give up antina, even when i already gave up, its so exhausting to just live, you once told me that “if its up to me you won’t feel this way”, can you tell me what would you do? i can’t think of anything that could help me

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Murtaza.

hello, how are you ?

its been hard for me to do anything really. ive been having this feeling for about a week now and i dont know what to do. which is wanting to cry the whole day and not wanting to do anything really. its so hard to force myself to do things or to focus on something else. and i just feel so helpless. and want someone who holds me when i cry.

its so hard to just waste the time when i have this and i have all day long. just for few hours its gone sometimes (during the day) for no reason. what do i do to lessen the pain? i fantasize and fantasize with no help.

you are right as always thank you

who.. does have a mind?

my brother has a lot of mental health issues to the point that he is ignorant about them even when my sister tells him he don’t believe her. just like my mother. he doesn’t know if a person is using him or not. he has the mind of a child and he doesn’t learn from his experiences.

I mean, what is it that they have in common, I wonder

its a common case. where the guy wants something from him (the teacher) and use the friendship to get that thing (which is talking to my mother and have her as a girlfriend (not an a good way). see men in iraq do that. try desperately to get to talk to a woman (this is why its hard for me to talk to any female). but they want to have girlfriends because there life is so empty. even when they are married

as in what is the danger to her that she needs you to protect her from

him harassing her. thats it really. since i had that role when i was younger and since she is too weak to defend her self and always like to depend on people. i feel worthless if i don’t.

i will give you an example. one day we went to buy  something for me. we got in one store and the guy said something to harasser her  in front of me and i couldn’t do anything i just said lets get out. i didn’t ever want to go out with her again. and whenever we do i feel anxious someone gonna say something like that. i was 17 and i felt bad for days i even decided to not go out with her and not to buy things (by not wanting them). since my father never cared to take me out and buy me things it was always my mother. and i had no friends to go out with or anyone. i didn’t even know the street very well and if i wanted something its either my mother or not wanting it at all.

who is this “fantasy persona”/ “this person in my fantasy”?

a needy weak and vulnerable male. someone who is really nice and like to do things for others. loving and caring and not anxious about those things.

I wonder if its the hot middle east

in iraq the other day it was 55°C. so yes it is very hot

that is the reason you are awake so late at night?

we got air-condition and i dont go out a lot. but the reason was i had anxiety the day before and hardly slept few hours. luckily i was able to sleep yesterday by 6 in the morning. this is why i imagined talking to you for hours. cause i was anxious and couldn’t get out of bed because i was too tried or sleep. i would never say that i was if you wouldn’t ask.

the reason i was anxious is because my mother told me that my brother has an old friend that he want to come over our house and meet my brother. the problem he told my brother that he likes woman. and when my mother told me that. i was super angry and anxious, because he is using my brother to get  to my mother and my brother is too stupid to know that. i was afraid that when he comes i have to deal with him. and i have to protect my mother again. and i thought you might be right about that (i failed to protect her when i was a little) and that (i wanted to protect my source of love)

i felt so alone. and i always feel this way when im angry and sad. i always deal with it on my own. cause i dont like to depending or needing  people and i should Train myself to be better at it alone. cause im gonna stay that way. i always felt that if i have anxiety or any mental health related issues there is no help. i just have to suck it up. i do workouts meditation talking to people and i still have it. i feel so helpless against such thing.

What motivates me is curiosity

that is good. for me nothing else motivates me. just my basic desires.

 I am learning about you. And as I learn about you, I learn more about me.

you mean as human or as you learn more about your own life?