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Murtaza

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 41 total)
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  • #361242
    Murtaza
    Participant

    this is not me. apparently its someone who came here by accident. feel free to respone to him here since he seem lost

    #361049
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you are right as always thank you

    #360857
    Murtaza
    Participant

    yeah its such a relief that you said this. i remember few days ago i was going for a walk. and i saw a woman on a Bicycle. i was just glad and felt something for a few seconds. it was the first time i see a woman on bicycle and i just like it when i see women more free to do things.

     

    in the past when i used to have anxiety and used to go to school and have so much more pressure. i used to fantasize about being hurt by a woman. this fantasy actually was from my younger years. i don’t know if it was the pressure or that i actually like it (i still like it but i just don’t fantasize about it anymore or desire it much like i used to). i know it is alright. it is not a sexual thing. its just satisfying when i fantasize about it. the first thing that comes up to my mind to why was (she cares enough to hurt me). i actually never knew why. maybe because i like to be weak and (under her mercy). or because i want to be hurt to need her and be more weak.

     

    i remember actually. its not the pain itself that i like but what comes after. the care and love. i had the idea that she can truly give me that if she actually saw me getting hurt. i knew back then i might be into bdsm. i hated that for a while, cause i know most woman dont like that (submissive‎ male). and i hated the fact that im weak. i used to be mean to myself because of that and had a lot of self-loathing.

     

    i dont fantasize about it anymore because i don’t actually have a good imagination as i used to and i don’t think it will ever happen. i actually hardly fantasize anymore i just imagine talking to people and cuddling.

    #360846
    Murtaza
    Participant

    who.. does have a mind?

    my brother has a lot of mental health issues to the point that he is ignorant about them even when my sister tells him he don’t believe her. just like my mother. he doesn’t know if a person is using him or not. he has the mind of a child and he doesn’t learn from his experiences.

     

    I mean, what is it that they have in common, I wonder

    its a common case. where the guy wants something from him (the teacher) and use the friendship to get that thing (which is talking to my mother and have her as a girlfriend (not an a good way). see men in iraq do that. try desperately to get to talk to a woman (this is why its hard for me to talk to any female). but they want to have girlfriends because there life is so empty. even when they are married

     

    as in what is the danger to her that she needs you to protect her from

    him harassing her. thats it really. since i had that role when i was younger and since she is too weak to defend her self and always like to depend on people. i feel worthless if i don’t.

    i will give you an example. one day we went to buy  something for me. we got in one store and the guy said something to harasser her  in front of me and i couldn’t do anything i just said lets get out. i didn’t ever want to go out with her again. and whenever we do i feel anxious someone gonna say something like that. i was 17 and i felt bad for days i even decided to not go out with her and not to buy things (by not wanting them). since my father never cared to take me out and buy me things it was always my mother. and i had no friends to go out with or anyone. i didn’t even know the street very well and if i wanted something its either my mother or not wanting it at all.

     

    who is this “fantasy persona”/ “this person in my fantasy”?

    a needy weak and vulnerable male. someone who is really nice and like to do things for others. loving and caring and not anxious about those things.

    #360794
    Murtaza
    Participant

    protect your mother from this young man’s

    he is his teacher. so he is in his 40s i think.

     

    and his friend is attracted to your mother

    no but he said to my brother that he likes women. my stupid brother who has no mind (and im not even saying this out of anger) didn’t thought of protecting my mother.

     

    sexual advances toward your mother

    no he can’t of course do anything. its so silly that i brought it up in the first place cause its too much to explain. basically when my mother brought it up she was afraid and i was afraid that i wont be able to protect her or that i will be helpless. nothing actually happend as he never came.

     

    I hope you feel just a bit less isolated because you communicate with me

    i do feel less isolated. i also feel good that im able to show my fantasy persona and that it is ok. i feel like i could never be this person (im my fantasy) in real life.

    #360785
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I wonder if its the hot middle east

    in iraq the other day it was 55°C. so yes it is very hot

     

    that is the reason you are awake so late at night?

    we got air-condition and i dont go out a lot. but the reason was i had anxiety the day before and hardly slept few hours. luckily i was able to sleep yesterday by 6 in the morning. this is why i imagined talking to you for hours. cause i was anxious and couldn’t get out of bed because i was too tried or sleep. i would never say that i was if you wouldn’t ask.

    the reason i was anxious is because my mother told me that my brother has an old friend that he want to come over our house and meet my brother. the problem he told my brother that he likes woman. and when my mother told me that. i was super angry and anxious, because he is using my brother to get  to my mother and my brother is too stupid to know that. i was afraid that when he comes i have to deal with him. and i have to protect my mother again. and i thought you might be right about that (i failed to protect her when i was a little) and that (i wanted to protect my source of love)

     

    i felt so alone. and i always feel this way when im angry and sad. i always deal with it on my own. cause i dont like to depending or needing  people and i should Train myself to be better at it alone. cause im gonna stay that way. i always felt that if i have anxiety or any mental health related issues there is no help. i just have to suck it up. i do workouts meditation talking to people and i still have it. i feel so helpless against such thing.

     

    What motivates me is curiosity

    that is good. for me nothing else motivates me. just my basic desires.

     

     I am learning about you. And as I learn about you, I learn more about me.

    you mean as human or as you learn more about your own life?

    #360737
    Murtaza
    Participant

    If in reply-post to you I miss something important that you wrote in your post (I don’t respond to it), please let me know what it is that I missed.  Sometimes I don’t fully understand something you bring up, or I am tired and fail to pay attention to something important that you wrote, so please let me know anytime that happens

    you are always on point. im very glad that you are talking to me in the first place. even when you assume your assumption sometimes on point.

     

    i understand and i feel the same way.

     

    another belief i have is that. life isn’t worth living its not worth fighting for. there is no reward at the end of the fight. nor the fight is fear or good (at least to me). another problem is that the good things about life isnt really good to me. they dont bring me joy. also the good isnt as good as the bad is bad. the bad has more effect on me. adding that life is mostly bad (i can say its 70% bad 30% good). even if somehow the good were 50% it wouldn’t match. i should only minimize suffering.

     

    i had therapy before. i would actually try again  if there was good ones in iraq. the ones we have are only the kind to give pills (from first session). i would fight mental health (i tried before with books and people advice) and i would fight my strong desire to give up. if there was a guaranteed (not hope) that there is something that worth all that fighting. my desire to love isnt that strong. in fact i accepting a long time ago that i will never have that desire because i choose this life. and its alright if i get to keep this life. i shouldn’t buy love. what kind of love is this? if there was love i should have it for being myself not work and change my whole personality to fit in society and then just to hope somebody would love me. i dont want this kind of love. what i mean by love her isnt a wife or a girlfriend. any form of love. even in my fantasy i dont want a girlfriend or wife. i know that i dont deserve such thing because i have a lot of mental stuff.

    #360727
    Murtaza
    Participant

    you are right. the only problem is that whenever i come and do actually talk to you i have nothing to say. even when i try to memorize what i wanted to say (what i said in my imagination) i just lose the words. and when i do actually try i feel like im forcing the words to come out. or just like when i used to ask my teacher silly question just to talk to him. and i dont wanna do that again.

    i had a wonderful idea, since we tend to follow our beliefs . we tend to act and feel based on our beliefs on some things. im gonna list some that i think i have and tell you why i have them in the first place. i know most of them are silly and wrong but for some reason they still have an effect on me. or at least i think they do. (maybe because i did actually believed in them in the past and never cared enough to change any of them). i will write them one by one so its easier

     

    i believe that life is only going to be worse for me. this belief i had when i was 14-13. i thought that the more i get older the more i became more miserable and life gets harder. the problem is when i was growing up it was true. i saw life only getting worst and worst every year. i know it is wrong because im way better now then ever. but i can defend this belief with some things. now my mental health became way worse then ever and in the past at least i used to care about things. i am weaker and more helpless then ever and i dont think that i will ever change. and it can only get worse.

     

    #360704
    Murtaza
    Participant

    hi, since i couldn’t answer you unless i actually try, i did and it didn’t workout (duh). i had absolutely no hope for it and i knew it. as i said  “this would never happen”. maybe tho with another girl and when i grow up i dont know the future.

    how are you feeling today ?

     

    you know i imagine talking to you (and some older friends that i lost touch with) sometimes. its more comforting then fantasizing (because it could actually happen). sometimes i just do it for hours. but when i leave the bed the desire is gone (of talking to you). its like i get disconnected. it also happens with fantasizing. its like the bed is my safe place of feeling vulnerable.

    #360028
    Murtaza
    Participant

    what an original way of describing a hug, and it is biologically true

    i always thought there is a real meaning to my fantasies. its sad im not very connected to emotional myself

     

    but I would hug her and cry and I would express weakness in front of her

    i dont think this would ever happen, but i get what you mean

    #359900
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I imagine about talking to her a lot. Since she takes a day sometimes to replay (i excuse her of course). And when i do i feel pain in my chest. And when i do feel that pain i want more to be hugged just to relieve that pain. I feel like if i hugged someone chest to chest i would feel less pain in my chest.

    #359884
    Murtaza
    Participant

    Did you talk to her so far online, on the phone

    i did talk to her on the phone.

     

    what did you tell her and how did she respond?

    about my feelings. i told her that i might love her and i dont know. i told her that i like to be weak in front of women. she didnt say anything (i didnt told her that on the phone). we are only friends. i dont think she looks at me like a boyfriend or something and me too.

     

    what did she say to you on the matter/ what were her words?

    she told me that she always wanted a friend to share with his experience and to gain knowledge from each other. to recovered both together. she dont mind that i dont care but i feel like i would only hurt her and myself.

     

    what feelings?

    feeling vulnerable, just wanting to beg her (for some reason) wanting to hug her and cry. wanting to be weak in front of her

     

    i will add if i think of more things

    #359877
    Murtaza
    Participant

    it was so much easier

    i can imagine being a female in the middle east would be really hard enough to live with especially back in the days so yes anything is better.

     

    i wanted to ask you about something. i dont usually tell people my current situation but i feel like its would be really good since i dont know what to do. i recently began to talk with iraqi girl. she is also kinda depressed like me so we have some understanding. we are kinda friends. the thing is everytime i talk to her i have these feeling when i fantasize. i told her some but she doesn’t seem to care. she was nice actually because i dont know her very well. i decided to stop talking to her. every time i think about her i have the same feelings. i fantasize about her since its way easier then make up Scenarios. even though i had a lot of anxiety because i was kinda excited at the beginning. i dont actually get excited a lot but when i do its anxiety. i decided just to fantasize about her from now on even though i want to talk to her. its just hard to talk to her about anything when i have those feelings. i dont know if its love because i dont really know her. and i care about her so i dont want to bother her. because she doesnt seem to enjoy talking to me. infact she has avoidant personality disorder and i have too, but i just dont care about it. she want a person who cares so they could help each other. i dont think i have this. i think that since i am kinda Pessimist i will hurt her more then benefit her. and that would hurt me

    what do you think ?

    #359849
    Murtaza
    Participant

    I am okay with you not going on an adventure journey, like in the movie. You don’t have to. I am okay with you staying where you are, doing nothing much, as long as you do have peace of mind,

    thank you. the best thing i did was to just quit life. i talked to many people and they always blame me for wanting this. for wanting just to live. i dont want no woman no money no accomplishments. and im not hurting anyone. but of course people seem to think that there feelings/thoughts/mindset etc. are universal. and just because they did it everyone can.

    #359768
    Murtaza
    Participant

    She didn’t care, she really didn’t care. And she didn’t help Atreyu or herself.

    this do sounds like me.

     

    well i guess this seems it up

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 41 total)