Hi @Sammy1 @Jay2023

So I went to therapy, it was eye opening!

The therapist picked up on how I was anxious avoidance or fearful avoidant and after probing excessively about my childhood said it probably originated in the fact as a child I felt like a dork and had hard time fitting in and relating to my peers and some other stuff.

We discussed the ex and how because it was my very first relationship I went into it without the fear as everyone does. But I was also unaware I lacked the tools to deal with a potential breakup having never experienced one. However since being hurt and betrayed it triggered the attachment style again and made me react the way I did subsequently.

She said after a breakup it was very common to attract those who were insecure or unstable, making us depressed that we are not in a healthy secure relationship. She said it was easy to say the other person was the problem but usually lies within us!

She explained that when I finally met someone secure, available and able to express her needs and wants the reason why I rejected a close bond with ‘B’ the first time was the intensity of intimacy we shared was scary and I focused on the potential it had to hurt me if it grew stronger, so opted to contort things to fit my own narrative and pushed her away by being avoidant.

She pointed out Anxious-avoidants are low in confidence and less likely to express emotions, preferring to suppress them. But they can have intense emotional outbursts when under stress (explains the argument we had). That we avoid seeking help because we are distrustful after being hurt in the past which is a shame because we are also incapable of sorting through our own issues alone ahaha.

The therapist pointed out I had done quite well to unlearn some of this attachment behaviour and the fact I was able to reconnect with ‘B’ and sustain it was positive i was pushing through the fears, improving my self esteem and looking for help externally and not relying solely on her to sort through my emotional issues was great progress. She said I needed to continue to be fearless in love as it was the only way to love again after any heartbreak. She said it was great ‘B’ was a pillar of strength but to avoid her feeling overwhelmed, resentful I had to continue working on dealing with my emotions better and self esteem.

The SHOCKING part:

I discussed the ex and ex best mate and told her how they had reached out. Therapist said it was fine to tell someone who had hurt you that you no longer wish to talk but it had to be expressed verbally.

She said the next part you’re not going to like.

She said I was lying when I said I was avoiding drama or trying to take the high road by not responding. It was actually me being EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATIVE. She said ignoring them after they reached out was actually a way for me to inflict pain without leaving a mark and punish them.

She said I may have been hurt but I was now trying to exert power. Have control and make them feel bad. She said if not addressed then this very common behaviour in fearful avoidant types can seep into other areas and future relationships. I was quite shocked and disgusted with myself to be honest because it has truth.

She said we are all manipulative to an extent that for example acceptable manipulation can be in form of smiling and making eye contact which are considered healthy ways to increase the chances of human connection.

But when manipulation is used to avoid vulnerability and establish power over others, it becomes unhealthy.

She said this unhealthy  manipulative behaviour of using silent treatment arises because I lack effective communication skills.

Also because in my first relationship I lacked boundaries and had to learn to recognise I was also at fault it wasn’t just one way. She said I now avoided direct communication because I was punished when I was vulnerable. As a result, it triggers unhealthy behaviour in us, so the original means for connecting was overridden and replaced by strategies centered around avoiding any sense of fault. This leads to indirect communication or passive aggressiveness and a refusal to be accountable for our actions.

The therapist said i had to work on cultivating healthier communication patterns, and find better ways to get my needs met. She said it was enough for today, the session was meant to be an hour ended up being 3!

A lot to absorb but I think she’s right I am still feeling a deep sense of victimisation from the first relationship and it’s contributing to unhealthy behaviour. So need to knuckle down an tackle it. Because I sure don’t want to end up being an emotionally manipulative twat even if it’s happening subconsciously!

I thought therapists would be fluffy if you know what I mean, I was expecting to cry because she was very direct and straightforward. I think it is what I need. Let’s see how it goes. Expensive job working out your feelings. I envy the likes of ‘B’ who have the tools to deal with their feelings healthily the majority of the time but I want to get there so I’m determined.

@Sammy1 I’m glad I reassessed the company I kept. With ‘B’ the lads used to tell me to play games and ignore her too to show I had control and mock her expressiveness, call her a cocktease. I allowed it to influence me. But she’s more well rounded, kind,  compassionate and humble in her pinky finger then all of their bodies combined! I’m feeling like a better human being for it. I don’t need validation from that crowd anymore. I am inspired by ‘B’ she has an inherent need to leave a positive mark. I want to follow in those footsteps. We have both been very vocal and supporting the Palestine cause some tough conversations have been had in my workplace and I’m glad for speaking out instead of always shying away from conflict. Learning to speak my mind is another trait of ‘B’ that has positively rubbed off on me.

I couldn’t agree more with your take on the Slow Burn vs. Sparks debate. Coming from a very red blooded male, learning to control my sexual urges to focus on an emotional connection has been the most testing but also the most fulfilling and rewarding relationship experience I’ve ever had. I’ve undertaken so much more growth since knowing ‘B’ than I did throughout my life.

@Jay2023
I can only echo Sammy’s words. I don’t think this is about your ex anymore. I can tell from your behaviour patterns that I mirrored myself there is something deeper unsettling you. Depression is a silent killer mate. It insidiously grows inside us. The only way to fight it is to grab the reigns and take back control of our own feelings. Has therapy come through?

I’m no finished product. I’m still growing but the difference is I’m growing with someone amazing by my side. This doesn’t mean you have to have a partner to get better it just means you have to have people who will challenge you give you compassion alongside a healthy dose of a reality check, who will champion us even when we’ve hurt them, pushed them away. But instead of feeling guilt, we let it inspire us to be better. But we can only be helped if we accept it. I could only be loved by accepting ‘B’ love. I can only move on from my mistakes by accepting my actions and the consequences. Then amending.

Are you ready to accept hard truths? Are you ready and willing to face those conflicted emotions you have been suppressing?

You and I in many ways are very similar, in other ways you’re already a far better person than I am.

Sammy and I are ready to talk and listen. I’m sure you are very cared for in your life too. So time to accept the branch and those reaching out to you instead of going inward and shutting people out. Let me tell you it will make things worse. You might recover for few days but will always find yourself back at square 1 because you’re not addressing things properly

I feel you’d pain and here for you bro. But as an adult only you can choose to accept or reject support.

Time your friend also did the same and addressed his problems and accepted help.

Unfortunately I know when you feel like this and you’re tired of wearing the mask. You just become overwhelmed and want every feeling to switch off. It’s okay to retreat only to regroup. You don’t want to spend your days just surviving. Might be a poor example but ‘B’ was telling me yesterday that the Palestinian people after oppression , being bombed mercilessly still got back up to celebrate their beliefs and festival. We need to take from these situations the power of resilience. That resilience comes from knowing who you are, having strong belief. In many situations I found myself unable to cope was because I actually didn’t have a strong sense of self.

Read this article. I read for myself today
www . psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifespan-perspectives/202003/seven-skills-resilience

I don’t have the same patience and persistence as Sammy or my ‘B’. These special type of women are just impossible to match in energy ahaha. So @Jay2023 if you don’t reply or shutdown again, I’m letting you know I do care bro but you got to take those steps man and ask.