Dear anita, you said “we are equal” when i read this from you it was just a word, in your recent replay, i truely believed we are equal.

 

being famous: dancing or singing in front of huge audiences, being a famous movie star, celebrated and worshipped by millions

I think this desire comes from the unmet needs of this young female, to be seen and acknowledged, to be important in the eyes of people, to be loved, you are kinda famous here, and you are liked by the members (i suppose?), but its only because you help them (another assumption), not because you are you, you want more then that(another assumption:D)

 

but in my communication with you, I am somewhat flying (!)

I wonder why? I have some assumption to why, but i don’t like to assume stuff when i can simply ask the person

 

I’m impressed by your detailed and great reply” (a compliment)

I feel like the word “compliment” has been used to mean “saying nice things to people even if its not true”, but im guessing you know that i don’t do that (lol).

 

As im replaying to you, im deleting/re reading your post, to make sure that i don’t say anything wrong or bad, its because your post is important both to me and you That you shared your personal life, and im not very good being antia i guess (lol)

 

a compliment to you before I proceed: I think that you are brilliant!).

Thank you, just to be sure (lol) do you mean overall or there is something specific? Just to know what i did to get this compliment (lol)

 

She also told me while hitting my face back and forth with her big hand

This actually makes me sad, a bit frustrated, because this happened to you, and that i can’t change it, that its outside of my control, to hear this abuse without having power to do anything.

 

Sometimes when i remember my loneliest time, i would imagine there is a person with me, and he comforts me, hold me, have you ever had such thoughts? What was the scenario i wonder? (again, skip if its too personal)

 

but I also thought that she was the problem.

I would imagine that even thinking of this is a bit taboo, that your mother, the best mother in the world, that has no husband, and yet works for her only child, provides for her, so whenever you thought she is the problem, you would feel guilty of that thought, your logic and mind made you feel guilty and ashamed, “how dare you even think of that?”

 

The thing is, that mothers are highly valued in society, doesn’t matter if they are bad.

 

The conflict has been the mental torture all along: the back and forth internal fight between contradictory evaluations of myself and of her.

I would guess that at first and for a long time, she would win, but when you started to not care about her, to not value her that much, the conflict get less and less

 

She repeatedly threatened to kill herself (I remember her showing me her wrists, showing me where she would make the cuts)

I would imagine that you loved her even if she was bad to you, and that you blamed yourself for that, she blamed you even

 

she said she had to do it because of me, because of something I said, or should have said but didn’t

How did you felt back then? What was your response? I would imagine you being afraid of talking, you being afraid of just existing next to her, that even if you don’t talk, she will blame you for it

 

and because of what I was thinking. I didn’t tell her what I was thinking. She told me

She is very narcissistic i see, she not only controlled your action, she even wanted to control your thinking.

 

This torture harmed my brain: I developed severe OCD with elaborate compulsions and severe tics (Tourette Syndrome) starting at about 5 or 6 that further tortured me as I experienced social ridicule and rejection.

I am very sorry anita. I feel both hate and anger towrds the person who did this to you, and empathy and affection for you

 

I wanted to be rich and famous,  and give her a life of luxury. I wanted to be a movie star (a movie star..  with severe tics).

I can feel this replay, its not just Sadness, there is more, especially at the end.

 

being generous with them, giving them things she bought with her work scrubbing with raw hands, and then complaining that they are taking advantage of her, etc

This is similar to what my mother would do, i would add that she thinks she is a saint by doing so, and that she is just a victim of the bad people surrounding her (though i should say im not comparing my mother to yours, just this quality)

 

Well, I said that you are helping me. This post is my effort to help myself further because of you

It actually helping me too, i see some of qualities of your mother in my own mother, and how you saw them and dealt with them helps me understand.

 

because you were kind to me

Now that i heard a bit about your past, i want to be even kinder 😀

 

 

Btw i assumed many stuff to A. Tell you what i understood from your post B. To correct me if im wrong in my understanding, i also asked few personal things (i deleted some) so feel free to skip them, i appreciate that you talked about your life.