Hi anita

I wrote the closeness you feel to her, not the closeness you experience with her. By feeling close to her, I mean that there is, within your mind and heart, a desire for closeness with her. This is a tricky distinction to make, and I will try to explain it best I can: – I understand the difference now. I certainly had and continue to have a desire for closeness. I agree with that. Probably this post originates from a lack of closeness and love. If I had my mother, I wouldn’t wish for someone else, a man to love me and marry me and worry about whether I am good enough for a man. I wouldn’t feel so tortured about myself. The chaotic one inside. If she felt like she was fine and safe to be herself, I could have subdued that with my mother’s support. I might not even have had this chaos inside me. I have, however, shared more with you than her. But I know, she knows. I never presented “normal”. She did not care to get close and help me. Just like you’ve written, the desire or yearning for support and love has robbed me of my confidence and motivation.

Does this mean that if you were able to pay for an in-home care, someone to live with your mother, do all the housework and drive your mother to the hospital in case of emergency, etc., then you will no longer feel scared of causing her harm, and you will be able to live peacefully away from your mother and father? – Yes, absolutely. But usually the people here come from smaller villages and are very careless. We saw that with my grand mother, even with us in the house. If I could find a service of good quality, I will vanish from this house in a second.

Girija