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I want to be normal

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  • This topic has 243 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks ago by anita.
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  • #391688
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I wrote the closeness you feel to her, not the closeness you experience with her. By feeling close to her, I mean that there is, within your mind and heart, a desire for closeness with her. This is a tricky distinction to make, and I will try to explain it best I can: – I understand the difference now. I certainly had and continue to have a desire for closeness. I agree with that. Probably this post originates from a lack of closeness and love. If I had my mother, I wouldn’t wish for someone else, a man to love me and marry me and worry about whether I am good enough for a man. I wouldn’t feel so tortured about myself. The chaotic one inside. If she felt like she was fine and safe to be herself, I could have subdued that with my mother’s support. I might not even have had this chaos inside me. I have, however, shared more with you than her. But I know, she knows. I never presented “normal”. She did not care to get close and help me. Just like you’ve written, the desire or yearning for support and love has robbed me of my confidence and motivation.

    Does this mean that if you were able to pay for an in-home care, someone to live with your mother, do all the housework and drive your mother to the hospital in case of emergency, etc., then you will no longer feel scared of causing her harm, and you will be able to live peacefully away from your mother and father? – Yes, absolutely. But usually the people here come from smaller villages and are very careless. We saw that with my grand mother, even with us in the house. If I could find a service of good quality, I will vanish from this house in a second.

    Girija

     

    #391690
    samy
    Participant

    I read your most recent reply, anita. I am sorry to hear you caught covid. Really glad to hear you have mild symptoms. I wish you a full recovery! Please take care and rest well

    Girija

    #391691
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    I read your most recent reply, anita. I am sorry to hear you caught covid. Really glad to hear you have mild symptoms. I wish you a full recovery! Please take care and rest well” – thank you, Girija. I think that everyone is going to catch the highly contagious (and relatively mild, particularly for the vaccinated) omicron, if it continues to be the dominant variant.

    “I understand the difference now. I certainly had and continue to have a desire for closeness. I agree with that… The chaotic one inside…  I might not even have had this chaos inside me” – the chaos inside the chaotic one was created because of the lack of love, the lack of emotional support.

    When you don’t have anyone to depend on emotionally, anxiety goes up and chaos is created: “Anything could happen. I don’t have security of any kind, and no one to depend on“.

    As anxiety goes up, you need emotional support even more, so when there is a perceived opportunity to get it, you get too excited, too desperate, and that excitement and desperation add to the chaos: “I seem to be desperate for connection. I open up to people when I first meet them, easily joking, having fun conversations and readily discussing problems… My excitement to me used to feel genuine and open. Now, I feel it is chaotic. Just desperate and needy“.

    The desire or yearning for support and love has robbed me of my confidence and motivation” – if I may edit, it is the unsatisfied desire for support and love that has robbed you from your confidence and motivation.

    I asked you if you could live peacefully away from your mother (and father) if you have live-in home care for her, someone who will drive her to the hospital in case of emergency, and you answered: “Yes, absolutely. But usually, the people here come from smaller villages and are very careless. We saw that with my grandmother, even with us in the house. If I could find a service of good quality, I will vanish from this house in a second” –

    – are you saying then that all that you mean to your mother, in her mind and heart, is a live-in home caretaker with the ability to drive her to the hospital and such?

    Try to think about the question I just asked you when you are calm, in a meditative kind of state, absorbing the question thoroughly before considering an answer.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 4 months ago by anita.
    #391696
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I hope you’ll feel better soon. Omicron is spreading like wildfire here too. But as you said people are recovering well.

    Everything I’ve written is from my perspective of what I want to take care of. I don’t even want to be the caretaker. I just want her to have one. What I mean to my mom is worse than what you’ve written.

    What I know I am to my mother or mean to is her personal diary where she filled pages with vitriol and her stresses since I was 10 -11. I don’t have memories before that. We had to be grateful to her for her sacrificies. I honestly don’t know what those are. What I really mean to her is I am her safety net. Goes beyond what you’ve described. It’s worse. She’ll just step aside and have us fight her fights. She is the biggest victim. Anytime we used to go to my maternal grandmother’s place, they used to tell me to take care of my mom. From very early on. What can a 10 year old do? They were telling us to be more mature and not trouble her. We were “troubling her” by being what we were, kids. So even now, what I mean to my mom is a burden. She used to project my father onto me. I started worrying that I will hurt her from a very young age. Now I remember it is because she used to express with her words and actions that we were troubling her. And we used to hate our dad for causing us pain, we didn’t want to add to hers. She used that to say don’t do this or that, you will turn out to be like him. I am really scared of turning into my father and she used that against me. Everyone around us used to call us docile. We were just kids being kids. We had to be the elders. I am an elder to her. From a very young age both her and the extended family has instilled guilt in us. I have expressed to her before that I am worried about leaving her and getting married. She has never tried to assure me that they will be ok. I am expected to worry about her.

    So, if I had to paraphrase yes – live-in home caretaker with the ability to drive her to the hospital and such? I don’t drive though, take her by cab.

    I remembered something else, when I used to be down or depressed around 14-15 she used to tell me she was already tired of dealing with my father and just can’t deal with it if we turn out like him as well. I think that’s where the fear comes from. She essentially told me I was not normal and she didn’t want to deal with it.

    Another time, I was really depressed and lying down in bed for days and my dad started praying for me. My mom is scared when he gets prayerful as that means he is really anxious and may spiral down, so she came yelling to my room saying my dad will get worse if I lie down. I had to get up immediately. We always had to be her foot soldiers for dealing with my dad. Worry about him. Why did I have to worry about him?

    Girija

    #391706
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    She essentially told me I was not normal” (Jan 23, your time) – “I want to be normal“, the title of your thread, Jan 5.

    Question: What is her normal? Answer: (1) children being “mature and not trouble her… by being…  kids“, (2) children fighting their mother’s fights: “She’ll just step aside and have us fight her fights“,

    (3) mother using the strategy of guilt, so to benefit from her children: “We had to be grateful to her for her sacrifices. I honestly don’t know what those are… What I really mean to her is I am her safety net… From a very young age both her and the extended family has instilled guilt in us“,

    (4) mother using the strategy of divide and conquer so to benefit herself. To divide and conquer means to “gain or maintain power by generating tension among others, especially those less powerful, so that they cannot unite in opposition” (free dictionary). She told you, her daughters, how badly your father hurt her, dividing the family into two groups:  mother + daughters on one side (a “we”), and the enemy: the father, on the other side: “we used to hate our dad for causing us pain“.

    This is an understandable division to make if indeed the father is evil and there is no way to get away from him. But if this was the case, why did she further divide the “we”, by repeatedly threatening her daughters to be expelled from the supposed good “we” to the other side, and join the evil father (“She used that to say don’t do this or that, you will turn out to be like him…  she used to tell me she was already tired of dealing with my father and just can’t deal with it if we turn out like him as well“).

    She particularly focused on scaring you with expulsion, probably because you were more rebellious than your sister and she needed to further exert the divide-and-conquer power over you: “She used to project my father onto me… she used to tell me…“.

    Having been in the supposed good “we” side of things and being threatened with expulsion to the bad side of things, naturally, you were scared: “I am really scared of turning into my father and she used that against me” – the intent of her threats was to generate fear in you and use it to benefit herself.

    In her mind, she was indeed everyone’s victim (“She is the biggest victim“). She had a personal diary where “she filled pages with vitriol and her stresses ” – she filled pages with bitter, harsh and cruel criticism of the other side: her husband, her daughters, and… everyone else. In her mind, she was on one side alone and everyone else was on the enemy side.

    I have expressed to her before that I am worried about leaving her and getting married. She has never tried to assure me that they will be ok. I am expected to worry about her” – in her mind, she equates your fear and your misery as her benefit. It is instinctive to her.

    I don’t drive though, take her by cab” – this is good news because it means that it will be easier to replace you with responsible home care for her, no need for a caretaker to have a driver’s license.

    In summary: every daughter wants to see her mother as a good person. So, even when we are aware- as you are- of lots of bad behaviors on her part, altogether- you still see her as a way better person than she really is. As a result, you see yourself as a bad. You have to rearrange the good/ bad dynamic, in your mind, so to free yourself from your undeserved guilt. Without the guilt, you will have an excellent start at… being normal!

    anita

     

    #391818
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    I wanted to let you know that I noticed your absence, being that you posted daily for a while. There is no requirement, of course, that you post daily or at all. It’s just that I wanted to let you know that you are missed and that I hope you don’t give up on what it takes to… “be normal”, using your word.

    anita

    #391835
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Hope you are doing well. How are you?

    Thank you for your kindness. I missed talking to you. I had gone through your last post. I needed some time to respond. I was triggered by my own promotion which was confirmed yesterday and have been struggling since I found out I got it. All the gaps I have in my career and skills presented themselves to me. Add to that I am leading another person and we are both new to the project. It makes me feel like I am not doing my job properly. I am afraid of leading and letting others down.

    I used my questions to ascertain action items that I had to do irrespective of whether my fears would come true. It eliminated noise like getting fired. “Am I doing something for each of the fears?” was what I went with. It then didn’t matter if they came true. That helped me write a checklist for things to follow up on or do, to help unblock my teammate. So I feel better. A huge problem for me is asking others for help, afraid the question is dumb. I pushed myself to reach out. It may sound silly but I am exhausted after that. Makes me feel good that I did it though.

    I am not way ahead of my teammate despite being senior and that has me fear that he is judging me. I am always afraid of being judged as a loser. I had to calm myself down and tell myself that it’s ok and I will do my best. I also bought a lavendar and rose tea. And it is incredibly soothing. The fragrance brought a smile on my face and it calmed my body.

    Tomorrow is a national holiday for us. I will use it to rest my mind. I will respond to your other message in a couple of hours or a day. Thank you for reaching out.

    Girija

    #391842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    You are welcome, good to read from you! I am fine, thank you. Congratulations for your promotion!

    All the gaps I have in my career and skills presented themselves to me… I am afraid of leading and letting others down… I am always afraid of being judged as a loser” – in my experience, you did not let me down. The opposite is true: you keep positively surprising me. People do a lot of convenient thinking, meaning, they think what is convenient to think and automatically reject what is inconvenient to think. Many people are polite but not kind. You, on the other hand, display intellectual honesty and cognitive courage: you have the courage to address and consider personal, emotional topics that most people automatically reject. Add to these your intelligence and genuine kindness, and … I think that your work colleagues are fortunate to have you and I know that you are not a loser, but a winner!

    I used my questions to ascertain action items that I had to do irrespective of whether my fears would come true…  I feel better” – good job, if I may say so!

    January 26, 1950, 72 years ago, was the day the Constitution of India came into effect, turning the nation into a newly formed republic with a democratic government system. Enjoy your Lavendar and rose tea, rest well (you deserve it!) and Happy Republic Day!

    anita

    #391858
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    Thank you for the wishes and the compliments – you have the courage to address and consider personal, emotional topics that most people automatically reject. Add to these your intelligence and genuine kindness, and … I think that your work colleagues are fortunate to have you and I know that you are not a loser – Feels really nice to hear good things about myself from you. I am glad to hear you say I am kind and honest. I need to overcome those fears. I want to be okay with who and what I am. I think one of the main causes of this inner turmoil is constantly worrying about what I am coming across as to people.

    I think I’ve discovered something, adding to what we discussed about what I meant to my mother. I am worried about appearing useless at work. That might be because of the fear of getting fired, like my father. But also, there has always been fear of not doing enough for my mother. At home, I find myself constantly checking in with my mother to see if she needs help with anything. It is strange that even after close to 3 decades, I don’t trust my mother to come to me if she needs help. She has never hidden her suffering yet she carries the image of a silent sufferer. I may come across as rude, but if she was keen on hiding her suffering, we wouldn’t be aware at all. I think it was a game, doing everything herself and complaining about having done everything. Instead of communicating up front, we were expected to guage her burden. So, it naturally instilled this guilt that we weren’t good daughters for not looking for ways to ease her burden with house work. But now I also realize the same principle applies to emotions as well. I see this with my sister too, no one does this. It is not normal. You either feel like doing some work or someone asks you to do it, so you do it. This constant worry that my mom might be doing too much house work is really strange. Today, if I asked her if she needs any help, she’ll say no. But, where does this worry that she needs help come from? It is from feedback in the past. She used to look so done with everything. That now we want to pre-empt that mental/physical exhaustion. Sometimes it looked like she was done with life.

    We had already re-hired the lady who washed dishes a few months back, there’s still other work to do, but any of us could do it. I don’t know why it’s a burden when she does it. Why is it a burden. You either do it or you don’t. Why act like we’ve imprisoned her.  There’s also the angle of – they don’t have a lot of retirement money and she doesn’t want us to spend money on them. But I can afford it so instead of doing it myself, I hired someone. Again, if it is on me to find a solution, I’ll find something that is convenient for me. But I feel guilty. So, coming back to appearing useless, instead of thinking if they have some work for me, they’ll tell me. I am constantly worried about looking useless to my seniors and boss.

    Talking about a prison, I think our culture contributes to this – we are expected to look at her being miserable and complaining, but not doing anything about it, and be grateful for that. And in turn are expected to be okay with us feeling like we are imprisoned but stay, to be good children.I once expressed wanting to move to a paid accomodation and I can’t describe the anger on my mother’s face. It was going to be in the same city, but she didn’t like that. Why would any parent want their child to continue living in their hell. Sometimes I wonder if my mother is actually as hurt as us. She gets upset when I pick fights with my father now. Almost like a general upset his soldier got into a fight without being commanded to. She never directly pushed me to fight, but I used to fight a lot when I was younger. Now I am expected to stop, like a robot.

    As for what you mentioned in you last post, you’re right, she tried to turn us against our father so she could control us and she succeeded. My fear and worry benefit her immensly. She positioned herself as good and constantly threatened to oust us from her side. I wasn’t even rebellious, I was genuinely unwell mentally and she dealt with it with being cold and self-centred. I feel broken. I don’t know how to fix this. You are asking me not to feel guilt, but I honestly don’t know where the boundary of a healthy mother-daughter relationship lies. I don’t know how to take care of her without the worry or guilt.

    Girija

    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by samy.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by samy.
    • This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by samy.
    #391869
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    I want to be okay with who and what I am. I think one of the main causes of this inner turmoil is constantly worrying about what I am coming across as to people” – you come across very well to me, and I wish that sooner than later, you will be okay with who you are!

    I think I’ve discovered something, adding to what we discussed about what I meant to my mother… there has always been fear of not doing enough for my mother. At home, I find myself constantly checking in with my mother to see if she needs help with anything. It is strange that even after close to 3 decades, I don’t trust my mother to come to me if she needs help. She has never hidden her suffering, yet she carries the image of a silent sufferer” – there are strategies that mothers across the world use. They don’t learn these strategies in school, they learn it on-the-job, by instinct (they do what works for them). The silent sufferer strategy is not at all silent, it is very LOUD. In her silence, she is screaming out loud: I AM SUFFERING, and YOU DON’T CARE? HOW RUDE YOU ARE!!!

    I may come across as rude” – the strategy works!

    If she was keen on hiding her suffering, we wouldn’t be aware at all. I think it was a game, doing everything herself and complaining about having done everything…  So, it naturally instilled this guilt that we weren’t good daughters for not looking for ways to ease her burden with housework” – good observation: she is not hiding her suffering, she is expressing it loud and clear. She is not asking for help with housework not for the purpose of not bothering you (with work), but for the purpose of bothering you with worry. The goal of this strategy, a strategy used by so many mothers, is to have power over the daughters via guilt.

    The cost: you feel guilty, you feel that you are a bad daughter/ a bad person, you worry a lot… possibly lifetime, but she is okay with you paying this cost.

    This constant worry that my mom might be doing too much housework is really strange” – This constant worry is understandable: it’s a product of The Silent Sufferer Strategy.

    “Today, if I asked her if she needs any help, she’ll say no” – you can look at it this way- you ask her: can I help you so that I can stop worrying about you? And she answers: No! I don’t want you to stop worrying about me!

    “But where does this worry that she needs help come from? It is from feedback in the past. She used to look so done with everything. That now we want to pre-empt that mental/physical exhaustion. Sometimes it looked like she was done with life” – this is the next strategy, the one that follows the silent-sufferer-strategy. It’s the I-am-going-to-die strategy. Mothers instinctively know that nothing scares her children more than the idea that she will die, so she uses this fear to gain lifetime power over her children: she threatens to off herself overtly (by saying so), or covertly (by facial expressions, tone of voice, hinting at it).

    Talking about a prison, I think our culture contributes to this – we are expected to look at her being miserable and complaining… (and) to be okay with us feeling like we are imprisoned but stay, to be good children” – children don’t determine culture, mothers do; in the context of family, mothers have great power over their children, lots of power available to misuse, or abuse. So, many do, and… they are not going to point to other mothers being in the wrong for doing the same as they do, so… they make a culture out of the abuse of power.

    Sometimes I wonder if my mother is actually as hurt as us” – she is not as hurt as she expresses to you, she often exaggerates her hurt so to have power over you, it’s called histrionics.

    I once expressed wanting to move to a paid accommodation and I can’t describe the anger on my mother’s face. It was going to be in the same city, but she didn’t like that. Why would any parent want their child to continue living in their hell” – it makes her feel better to… give you hell, to have power over you. Without her daughters available to her, she would feel very, very powerless.

    She gets upset when I pick fights with my father now. Almost like a general upset his soldier got into a fight without being commanded to” – a general cannot be a general without a soldier to command. If you (and your sister) act without her commands, or if you leave her, she will no longer be a general.

    As for what you mentioned in you last post, you’re right, she tried to turn us against our father so she could control us, and she succeeded. My fear and worry benefit her immensely. She positioned herself as good and constantly threatened to oust us from her side” – you said it.

    I wasn’t even rebellious; I was genuinely unwell mentally and she dealt with it with being cold and self-centered. I feel broken” – like I suggested earlier in this post, your mental health is a price she is willing for you to pay, so that she feels like she has some power, like she is not completely powerless.

    I don’t know how to fix this. You are asking me not to feel guilt, but I honestly don’t know where the boundary of a healthy mother-daughter relationship lies. I don’t know how to take care of her without the worry or guilt” –

    – (1) a healthy mother-daughter relationship between you and your mother is very, very… very, very unlikely. (2) For many years, your mother has been “cold and self-centered” in regard to the fact that you have been “genuinely unwell mentally… broken“. This means that she does not care for you any more than any and all strangers who never met you.

    These two things are very, very difficult for any daughter to accept, but accepting these thoroughly, over time, will benefit you greatly. As the saying goes, the truth shall set you free, free from unjustified guilt and shame, free from excess worry and all unnecessary mental distress, free from loneliness and alone-ness.

    anita

    #391870
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I will respond to your post at length tomorrow. But my first thought on reading histronics is what if I am also exaggerating my experience. Who my mother is now, I don’t know if she still that person. She has said to me not to worry about her and take care of myself. But I am wondering if I am being very negative towards her.

    Girija

    #391871
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    Take your time responding. As to your worry that maybe you are the histrionic one, exaggerating your experience, two comments:

    (1) Maybe you do exaggerate your experiences from time to time, who hasn’t? Exaggerating is not unique to your mother. I too exaggerated my experiences at times, earlier in my life.  What I look into is patterns of behaviors that persist over years and decades (such as the histrionic pattern). Your mother regularly, and throughout the years of your childhood and onward, exaggerated her negative experiences, aimed at having unfair power over you for the duration of your childhood and adulthood. It doesn’t mean that she always exaggerated, and that she always aimed at having power over you. Maybe she had her moments of affection and fairness. But her dominant behavior toward you, dominant by far, has been power-seeking and abusive.

    (2) The identity of a daughter is closely tied to the identity of her mother (in the daughter’s mind). It is natural that you will be confused between the two. The more you understand who your mother really is, the more you will understand who you really are. When you are able to successfully separate the two identities, your mental health will greatly improve!

    anita

     

    #391894
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    I understand what histronics means now. I am frustrated at having had to soak up all that stress over the years. Just today, someone at work said something our team is responsible for isn’t working as expected and this is my old project that I know in and out, something I can fix, yet the prospect of something being broken and my having to fix it triggers me. I think having to take care of things has me averse to fixing problems at work. As I mentioned earlier, the situation at work is not as dark but still pretty pathetic in terms of support.

    you come across very well to me, and I wish that sooner than later, you will be okay with who you are! it is odd but I am fine with myself when I am not around others. But once there are other people around, I just feel weird. Like I want to get away from them. That if I stay too long, they’ll judge me. Thank you for accepting me for who I am. You do that for everyone here and it’s very nice of you.

    children don’t determine culture, mothers do; in the context of family, mothers have great power over their children, lots of power available to misuse, or abuse. So, many do, and… they are not going to point to other mothers being in the wrong for doing the same as they do, so… they make a culture out of the abuse of power. – This is very true. My mother and grandmother’s relationship is worse in terms of support. So the latter had no issues expecting, me as the daughter to look after my mother. My mother told us that she never felt important to her and that she probably doesn’t know which sweet my mom likes. When I see that, I know that’s where my mother gets her parenting skills. If anything she overcame that to some extent to be better than her mother. They did not face the circumstance we faced as children so there is no major falling out. But I know my mother wanted to confront her for putting her last. Her illness triggered my grandmother’s caretaking muscle though. Their love comes through in physical illness. The care they give makes you feel loved.

    She is not asking for help with housework not for the purpose of not bothering you (with work), but for the purpose of bothering you with worry. – My family feels fake for this reason. None of us feel secure but at the same time the elders are super confident that they can get away with anything.

    Your mental health is a price she is willing for you to pay, so that she feels like she has some power, like she is not completely powerless. – I feel like both my parents had to compete with me to prove they were better than me. So many instances where their mistakes didn’t matter but mine were magnified. Same with flaws.

    The fear of my mother being hurt and her losing hope on life drove my thoughts throughout my childhood. It made me feel hopeless. There was no joy. We’d celebrate festivals, joke even, but out of the blue, my mom would get upset. But we’d still go on like it was ok. I would always be the one to apologize. Both my mother and sister get upset very easily. I’ve been trained to pacify upset people irrespective of whether it is justified or not. Always restore harmony. Maybe this is where the fear of judgement comes from. If they judge me, they will not be nice to me, and I can’t bear that.

    I understand that a healthy relationship is unlikely between my mother and I. But my conscience will not allow me to leave completely. I’d want to take care of her. So that from a distance seems like the way to go.

    Girija

     

     

     

     

     

    #391899
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Girija:

    You are welcome. It is odd, but I am fine with myself when I am not around others. But once there are other people around, I just feel weird. Like I want to get away from them. That if I stay too long, they’ll judge me” – not odd at all: when your first, most powerful experience with people (parents, family members) is that of being negatively judged, that experience gets reactivated when you are around other people, at the workplace and elsewhere. When alone, you get a break from the thoughts that others are observing you and judging you.

    My… grandmother…  probably doesn’t know which sweet my mom likes…. she (mother) overcame that to some extent to be better than her mother” – meaning your mother knows what sweet you like… but she keeps offering you bitterness?

    The elders are super confident that they can get away with anything” – super confident feels good. It feels good to be powerful. Powerless adults get their opportunity to have power when children are born to them.

    “(Parents’) mistakes didn’t matter, but mine were magnified. Same with flaws” -this is another strategy aimed at having unfair power over a child. I should make a comprehensive list of these strategies sometime.

    The fear of my mother being hurt and her losing hope on life drove my thoughts throughout my childhood… Both my mother and sister get upset very easily. I’ve been trained to pacify upset people” – is this a new strategy, or did we already cover this one: keeping you on your toes/ controlling you by any expression of upset in facial expressions or tone of voice?

    anita

    #391901
    samy
    Participant

    Hi anita

    The fear of judgement that gets reactivated around people, how do I win over that? Both in the moment and long-term to ultimately not have it at all.

    meaning your mother knows what sweet you like… but she keeps offering you bitterness? – are you speaking metaphorically? I think you are but I sometimes can’t tell if people are speaking literally or not.

    is this a new strategy, or did we already cover this one: keeping you on your toes/ controlling you by any expression of upset in facial expressions or tone of voice? I don’t know if it’s new but it just happened a moment ago. My mother brings up something about a cousin and what she is doing wrong, and I agree with her on some things and not others and my sister has to constantly interject like she is my mother’s attorney. We weren’t arguing, just talking. I feel misunderstood. Why does she feel the need to do that? It’s so stupid. They’ll have a conversation over me. My mom sometimes pretends I didn’t say the sentence I did and move on like I never spoke.  Why does my mom need backup, she is the strongest of the 3? ( These are all rhetorical, I know it is conditioning that has my sister like that, and this dynamic comes from our childhood).

    I am going to reduce my interactions with them over time without catching their attention that I’m pulling away. It will help me see if I feel better away from them. I have trouble being by myself, the depression comes back but I’ll see what I can do to change that.

    Girija

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