Hi anita

Your question is a very valid one. I’ve asked myself that in times of exasperation. How come I feel the worst when making up for whatever is lacking at home or at work. I realized it is because it doesn’t give me joy. I am stuck in survival mode. I think for decades now. You and I have explored quite a bit on why I care so much about my mom to the point that I have become a people pleaser in order to survive. Most social interactions, trigger my trauma response.

I wanted to share with you a revelation I recently had. It slightly lifted the burden I’d been feeling.

I’ve always wondered why the women in my family never left after being abused. One of whom was physically assaulted as well. I am no victim blamer nor do I think it is easy. But I was wondering why they show no interest in leaving, atleast think about it. Behind closed doors, when there are no men or elders around. Why don’t they ever consider leaving? I got to an answer of this by introspecting on my situation at work. Simply put – I am being mentally drained by people intentionally or unintentionally – and I wondered, how come I am not actively working on leaving. I had stopped my interview prep after my mom’s scan due to anxiety. But how come I am not back at it, considering I feel mentally and emotionally abused at work. And then it hit me, the abuse is so draining that I have no energy left to consider leaving. I am so depleted that to save energy my brain is rationalizing not making the effort to leave. Not just that, I often wondered why the women in my family still care about their role. Is the kitchen clean enough, is there husband dressed properly and so on. I realized it’s because even when people are aware of the abuse, they will go to the women demanding and prodding them about other trivial things. How you are not good enough. And to the women, both the judgement and the actual domestic abuse is equal in terms of pain. I see the same thing happening, I recognize the abuse at work and yet hold myself accountable to the point of being perpetually anxious.

I also wondered about how people say getting hurt by people’s words is on me to fix, by getting stronger mentally. To me, just now, the realization hit, that that is like asking a physically abused person to get better at taking punches. It is not right. Ask the abuser to stop abusing or get the abused away. This is the right way.

This is why we often need people to talk us into empowering ourselves, abuse had psychological effects that impair our ability to discern what is right. And we are drained to the point that we don’t see alternatives despite being aware of them.

The other thing, people pleasing. I cannot bear the idea of possibly messing up anything. So scared of causing issues. I’m even thinking about my abusers at work, their tasks that they are yet to complete. It is similar to the abused caring about the abuser. You were already given the hint that any failure in the house is on you, like work for me. It keeps you from having energy to put into leaving. All your time and energy goes in pleasing the abusers and their enablers.

So, when will Girija be #1 in her life. I want to say now. But I need to learn what it looks like in practice.

Girija