Hi Tee,

You feeling better?

How old is he?

He’s like 7.5 Years old if I remember correctly.

I understand you, seeing yourself in him… be polite though and very diplomatic when speaking to his mother. Parents don’t like to be given advice, unless they ask for it…

Yes I know but his mother is good natured and nice with me. So I’ll try to present this matter clear and calmly as possible. Because another thing I noticed is that I think she’s the main decision maker, her husband is naïve and he’s mostly saying yes to her. It’s actually funny to see them talking sometimes 😆

Yes, that’s typical for codependent relationships. Say if the parent is a worrying type, we try to make them not worry. If they are depressed, we try to cheer them up… because when the parent is unhappy, the child is naturally unhappy too. So we do everything in our power to make them happy. It’s almost like a survival need, because having a happy, care-free parent is in the child’s best interest. So we’re trying to regulate the parent’s moods, so they could better take care of us.

Okay well that’s a new discovery for me. Until now I thought I only have to deal with my Fearful avoidant attachment style but now I’ll have to work on this one as well. But I don’t actually remember try to regulate my parent’s moods, For example whenever my father is angry me and my siblings would just try to avoid him and not face him.

Do you think this was the case with you and your mother? That you felt you needed to make her happy, i.e. regulate her moods? And you felt guilty if she was not happy?

No. Not really. Because I even told her about my hypothyroidism, and she took it well. And in past there was times when even if I have a headache, she’d get really worried.

But as far as I can remember I didn’t tried to regulate her moods.

I do remember you mentioned you don’t like to make your mother worry, so you often don’t tell her if something’s bothering you. You pretend that everything is fine, and put on that big smile of yours. This could be exactly because of this emotional enmeshment: you can only be happy if she’s happy. And if she’s worrying about you, you can’t be happy?

You said that your two previous girlfriends didn’t really put any constraints on your freedom (I had two different partners who were very accepting yet still I was worried about all these things.). But your guilt of displeasing them is very likely the same guilt you felt about displeasing your mother… it’s the guilt felt by your inner child.

I mean which mother doesn’t worry about her  kids? So it’s obvious that she is worried sometimes and yeah in the past I tried to hide things from my mother because I was scared that she’d be worried because I was still just a high school boy going in wilds… But I think now she’s not worried as before because she can see that I’m a grown up? I’m not sure though. So now I do feel comfortable sharing my things with her as per her level

Yes, and I believe it has to include separating yourself emotionally from your mother (i.e. your partner). And allowing her to be frustrated (for whatever reason – be it because of you or unrelated to you), and yet feel good about yourself. Don’t make your mood and the feeling of happiness depend so much on hers.

Because it seems that your tendency is to get emotionally enmeshed when you’re in a relationship. That’s frustrating and exhausting (and you feel guilty all the time), so you think the only way to prevent it is not to be in a relationship at all. But it’s a false cure…

Hmm you’re right and what steps I can take for separating myself emotionally?

And Yes allowing someone to be frustrated because of me already seems very unpleasant.

Right I know it’s not the cure because few days ago I was talking to one of my friend and she was like I have so much love to give and but I’m not allowing other people to give and receive to myself because I’m not letting close to me emotionally. And without this healthy exchange there’s this void.

Oh and kind of a funny thing happened on valentine’s day. One of my friend’s doctor proposed me 😂

There was definitely fight or flight response feeling because It was kind of sudden

But the thing was that I couldn’t say No! I felt like if I say no today she’d feel disappointed and then it would make me feel guilty. But I didn’t said yes either. I mean I said yes for a date. It was really bold move for her. So I was stunned and she’s actually really attractive as well so… I mean here I am thinking about taking a bold move like that for years but 😂

It’s been like 3 months, and she only knows me because I go to her clinic with my friend every two-three weeks, and she’s actually younger than me.

But to be honest I’m not putting up any high expectations. Go on a date, get to know her a little bit and then maybe something…