Dear SereneWolf,

I’ve visited my hometown and it was good.

good to read from you again! I am glad you had a good time back home.

Have you already visited another doctor? What did S/he? said? Take care of yourself.

I have, but he wasn’t helpful at all… so I’ll keep looking. And thanks for your support!

Because I did felt like I’m the responsible for “saving” her since I was in the relationship with her so I used to think as her best supporter and a lover it’s my responsibility. Otherwise what am I even doing for this relationship?

Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if it’s one-sided and you’re “supporting”, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, that’s not healthy. I mean, you’re not her therapist, you’re her boyfriend. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.

Wow so I think 50% means still there’s good chance. Although I’m surprised since US consumes more anti-depressants than any other nation. As per statistics more teens and women.

Yeah, the US probably consumes too many antidepressants. But in terms of emotional health, they might still be better than some other parts of the world… of course, all those are generalizations, so not really relevant.

And yeah she seems pretty upset because I didn’t try to contact her while I was in my hometown, and today she told me that she actually texted me “I miss you” but then deleted because she thought that I’m not missing her so she shouldn’t admit that either. But we’re meeting this weekend so let’s see what happens. and tbh I already feel scared just because she said “I miss you”

Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.

How come you didn’t text her at all while you were away? Didn’t feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed “weak and needy”?

tbh I already feel scared just because she said “I miss you”

Right… what’s the first thing that comes to your mind when she says “I miss you”?

Oh I see I didn’t know that. So it’s also related to PTSD we’ve talked about?

Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now it’s not the parent but our romantic partner whom we’re trying to change.

Yes It does makes sense. And since I’m practicing more empathy I do see more good qualities that people have around me..

Excellent!

First one isn’t seems hard but yeah second one does seem hard. I think even though I’m getting enough reminders inner critic is still isn’t fully silent.

Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe you’re not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And you’d need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

When those thoughts of “not good enough” start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesn’t know a thing!

Oh yeah it could be like that! Like I said before about duality, What to do about that?

Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means – by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.

What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that you’ll protect him from other people’s judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.

So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. That’s how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.

I hope it’s not too messy the way I’ve explained it?

He doesn’t talk disrespectfully to me anymore. He talks more calmly to me, Explain things to me.

Good! If he isn’t trying to put you down, isn’t yelling at you etc, that’s great.

Since I’m not living with my family I already spend much less time with my father.. and even when I’m home I mostly spend time with my siblings and mother.

That’s good too. You’re already minimizing the time spent with him, even during your visits, and instead spend time with those in whose company you feel good and not judged…