Dear Tee,

I have, but he wasn’t helpful at all… so I’ll keep looking. And thanks for your support!

Ah I see, Hope you find a really good doctor that helps for your health much better

Yeah, supporting each other is a natural thing in a relationship. But if it’s one-sided and you’re “supporting”, i.e. trying to heal her all the time, that’s not healthy. I mean, you’re not her therapist, you’re her boyfriend. It doesn’t mean you can’t talk about issues, you sure can, but deep emotional wounds can only be healed in therapy, not in a romantic relationship.

Yes I knew that well but since she wasn’t comfortable opening up with therapist I felt like I should help her much as much as I can. But in result it just emotionally drained me because yeah it was one-sided help. And it sometimes it made me question myself like does it even matter to help people? because at the end of the day they’re going to do just whatever they want.

Okay, I like that she was honest about wanting to text you, but then deleting it. So she showed her vulnerability after all, even if at first she wanted to hide it.

Yes I do feel bad though. Because in short time she’s quite vulnerable with me and I’ve disappointed her already.

How come you didn’t text her at all while you were away? Didn’t feel the need, or you stopped yourself because it would have seemed “weak and needy”?

Well kind of yeah both reasons I didn’t feel the need and when I did feel it I was like let’s not rush she’s going to text if she wants it, Why should I seem needy first? That’s what I was thinking

Right… what’s the first thing that comes to your mind when she says “I miss you”?

Overthinking and fear I suppose. Like now relationship is gradually getting deeper but soon it will end

Yes, we (our inner child) is trying to finally get our distant/unloving parent to love us. Only now it’s not the parent but our romantic partner whom we’re trying to change.

Hmm I see…

  but we believe we can finally turn them around”

But we actually can’t and that’s what disappoints more. Right?

Okay, so if the inner critic can still make you believe you’re not good enough, it means that your inner child feels not good enough. And you’d need to tell your inner child that he is precious and talented and lovable, and that there is absolutely nothing wrong with him.

I do try to pep talk with him time to time.. but not much frequently

When those thoughts of “not good enough” start popping up in some form, try to be like general Iroh to your inner child and tell him how precious he is. And that whoever tells him differently is a liar and doesn’t know a thing!

You’re right! I’ll try to do that more

Be aware of it. I think the main duality in you is 1) the inner child who is afraid of judgment and believes he is unworthy, and 2) the protector (which is the shield around your heart) who wants to protect your inner child from harm. But he is doing it by wrong means – by shutting down intimacy and vulnerability altogether.

What would need to happen is that you be a good parent to your inner child and assure him that he is worthy (as I described above). And you also assure him that you’ll protect him from other people’s judgments and mistreatment (by setting boundaries, learning to say No, etc), should there be need for it.

So you, the adult SereneWolf, become the good and healthy protector for your inner child. Like a good father. That’s how you can replace this unhealthy, toxic protector, who is the Outer Critic/shield around your heart.

I hope it’s not too messy the way I’ve explained it?

You explained it well. You already noticed the main pain points. And yeah it’s been days I haven’t been a good parent to my inner child but feels like work when you already feel emotionally drained you know

Good! If he isn’t trying to put you down, isn’t yelling at you etc, that’s great.

Naah he doesn’t do that to me. It’s been a while, he used to do that a lot in past