Hi SereneWolf,

Oh I hope you’ll be better. You still haven’t found a good doctor?

Next week I have an appointment with a new doctor, so I am hopeful but also slightly apprehensive, because I’ve been to several doctors already and no improvement so far…

Yup I think I’ve learned my lesson there haha

Good, that’s an important lesson! 🙂

Also most of the time I have to try to blend in around strangers, Other times I’m like what these humans are? How I could even be the same as them? Like I’m some alien

Okay, so you feel very different than others, like you’re some alien. That’s probably because your true self wasn’t appreciated by your parents or grandparents (or other adults you grew up around). You were constantly judged and criticized for being yourself. So you believe that you’re fundamentally different from other people, which isn’t true.

However, you might have developed a defense mechanism that keeps you away from others and makes you fear others, as if they’re going to harm you. You might be looking at people through that lens, magnifying the differences, seeking imperfections in them etc. This lens, i.e. filter is what actually creates a greater sense of distance between you and others. I think this filter is creating an artificial sense of distance and difference, which in reality doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to think there are lot of people who have heart full of love and they would love to share their love but it isn’t easy.

You said is about yourself too (or a friend of yours said it about you, I don’t remember anymore?). They said that you have a heart full of love, but are afraid to share it with others. And it’s true. Because you fear others.

It needs guts to trust on that level and vulnerability. And now I’m thinking as like people’s strength.

Yes, vulnerability is actually a strength. There is a famous TED talk on vulnerability by Brene Brown. It describes how she, who was someone who feared vulnerability, discovered the importance of vulnerability, by studying hundreds and thousands of happy people. She discovered that vulnerability is actually a prerequisite for happiness. You can enter “Brene Brown vulnerability TED talk” in youtube search and you’ll find it. Really powerful stuff.

And she certainly have this strength. For me admitting to someone that I miss them is really hard. Heck I don’t even remember when I did that last time.

It’s good that she has this strength! Because she won’t be playing games with you. She will tell you what bothers her and what she would like from you.

But I want to add something here: try not to compare yourself now and think “oh she has this strength and I don’t. I am so much worse than her” (which would be your inner critic). Rather, try to appreciate her for her ability to be vulnerable. You too will develop this strength, and you’re on a path to do that. Because frankly, till recently you thought it was a weakness, and a part of you still thinks it’s a weakness. So it will take some time to change the old habits and beliefs.

Thanks! you know realizing this makes the process of loving myself little easier. But it made me think like if I rely on that feeling doesn’t it make me dependable? Which is against one of the values that I have. Being self-independent.

You’re welcome, you are making a great progress! Actually, we humans are social creatures, and we’re meant to be interdependent, not independent. I mean, we’re not meant to be emotionally self-sufficient (if there is such a word). We’re not meant to be in a relationship with only ourselves, and not to be bonded to anyone. Being independent is good up to a point. But if you want to be emotionally independent and self-sufficient, that’s already a defense mechanism.

I agree and after getting stepped up from these old programming I don’t want to step back and just keep rounding for the same things and waste my physical and emotional energy. So I’ll try to spend more time in journaling and convincing my inner child even more. So he doesn’t see this as like bowl of water but more like a river…

So last time you said you’re starting to feel that you’re not hard to love. Which is fantastic! Just keep doing that, keep affirming that to yourself.

The other part of the problem might be that in a relationship, you feel trapped, like a fish in a bowl of water. And I think it could be because you see the other person as a threat. As very different than you. As judging you. As wanting to control you and suppress your true self.

You probably see the other person as your father, and it’s threatening your freedom, and you want to run away. You want to be free, like a fish in the river. You ran away from home, because of this feeling of being trapped. And now you want to apply the same coping strategy to your romantic relationships: run away, be free from “threat”. Would you say it’s true?

You’ve put quite a time and effort on me as well. So thanks to you too. I’m grateful to have a supportive friend/mentor like you

You’re welcome, it’s a pleasure to talk to you and help you on your path…

Yeah even in work I’m really result-driven. So you’re right I may have adopted his persona. As I’ve told now I’m much better at managing my anger and be calm as possible. Because to be honest after I started practicing spirituality nothing seems like a big deal to me.

Good that you’re aware of this drill-sergeant persona and are learning how to keep it at bay!

But I want to visit different places every weekends not the same places. But yeah it’s true that even though most of the time I’m visiting same places now it doesn’t bore me because spending time in nature does recharge me so well.

Yeah, I find that visiting the same places in nature – the places that I like and enjoy – is totally okay, because they recharge me. And they are never the same, really, there is always something different to appreciate…

My job isn’t boring. Or I guess now it seems boring because I saw more exciting opportunities? haha.. and currently I’m working on hybrid mode. 2 days office and 3 days from home. They wanted the other way like 3 days from office but I convinced them for 2 days lol

Glad your job isn’t boring. Then I guess simply spending time at home, comfortably seated in front of your computer, and being alone, naturally makes the person want to take a nap 🙂 If you were in the office, you would need to control yourself better, but like this, it’s easier to just doze off… So if you want to avoid afternoon slumps, I guess one solution would be to work from the office more frequently 🙂

Umm I’m not sure but I still may have fear? Like still if I want to do something crazy I know they won’t stop me but my mind first think like what they would think about me and judge me or something like that

Okay, so you’re still afraid of their judgment? Both your father’s, grandfather’s and your brother’s judgment as well? Btw what’s that “something crazy” that you’d want to do, but are reluctant to (if it’s not too much to ask)?