Hola SereneWolf,

I am doing a bit better at the moment, thank you. I do say this very cautiously because I’ve had improvements before, followed by a setback… but I am starting to feel a little more optimistic…

Right but I’m kinda getting that I still have people pleasing behaviour

You mean, when you are among people, you worry what people will think of you and you want to be liked? And you say things you don’t really mean, or something like that?

You meant like behaviours that I can’t tolerate?

Well, you said that being among people drains your energy and you don’t know how to protect yourself from that. So I asked what are the behaviors you can’t protect yourself from. But I guess the real question is: what is so draining when being among people? Perhaps what you said above – that you feel the need to “people please”? As in, maybe you feel the need to be liked, and so you can’t be yourself and relaxed?

She seems quite sensitive.

For me I’m not much emotionally expressive. Or like I just don’t get surprised with lot of human behaviour or things. I find it really normal. But her she like really emotionally expressive like a high school girl who feels too much you know

[Are you saying that she gets upset by something (some human behavior), and this same behavior doesn’t affect you that much? Or she gets super excited about something, and you’re like “meh, nothing special”?] — Yes kinda like that.

So she is emotionally expressive – she expresses her emotions freely. She is not shy to show anger and upset, but also joy and excitement…. if I understood you well? How do you feel about that feature of hers?

Well yeah I guess we can count as a bad connection

Yeah, I’d say that in the relationship department, so far you were alternating between a bad connection and no connection. You gravitated towards “no connection” in the past months, because you were disappointed with previous relationships. But then you decided to still give it a try. And now you’re in the middle of an experiment, of potentially creating and maintaining a good connection…

But I think because self-loving is still isn’t easy for me maybe that’s why I’m finding myself going towards emotional giving and receiving

Hm.. I think that because of troubles with self-love, you easily get into the inner critic (or the outer critic), which then sabotages the relationship. So I think that for you, lack of self-love is what keeps you out of the relationship. Or when you are in a relationship, it prevents vulnerability and intimacy (because you’re afraid to be judged). So, although you may be in a relationship, you don’t really engage in emotional giving and receiving. I mean, it seems that so far you haven’t. Now, in this latest relationship, this might change…

Umm a serious hard maintaining relationship that I have to work hard for!?

Actually, when both parties are emotionally more or less healthy and free to be themselves, a deep intimate relationship isn’t that hard to maintain. It sort of flows spontaneously… But a lot of work goes into getting to that point of being emotionally healthy, that’s true.

Exactly the thing that I’m scared about… Wasting my time and energy on a person

There are no guarantees that she is “the one”. But as you grow emotionally more healthy, you’ll be able to recognize people who are wholesome and healthy themselves, and you won’t end up wasting your time in draining relationships…

Hmm so basically be mindful and not overthink about these things? Well I’m trying and yeah you’re right I maybe comparing myself like that but I know that we both don’t have be perfect in every regard. We can just learn things from each other…

Yes, be mindful that a lot of those questions (“What if I get bored, what if I am wasting my time, what if I get to like her and will need to work hard to maintain the relationship?”) are coming from your fearful self. They are fear speaking through you. And you are learning now to face this fear, not to get into its trap again. So yes, be mindful, just notice it as a strong voice in you, however it’s not the only voice in you. It’s not the voice of your true self.

Yes, it is hard. When I talked to my therapist first time, she explained the Surrender in that way. Because as a human nature we want to know things for sure, Otherwise because of uncertainty we get anxious.. and result even more less energy… So I believe surrender + hope are much better in situations like this..

Yes, surrender as in accept the things as they are, even if they are bad at the moment. And hope that they will get better… so yes, I am learning to accept it, but also not to lose hope…

Hmm and those are?

Wrist, ankle, forearm, underneath the collarbone, hip area… I am no expert, but am sure there are a lot of ideas on the internet 🙂