Hey Tee,

How are you doing?

You’re welcome! I am glad you’ve started to believe that you are easy to love, and that you’ll be using that affirmation. I love that affirmation btw, I think it’s very powerful.

Oh good! Here’s another one I kinda created from the conversation we had, I am enough, just as I am, and I am worthy of all the good things that life has to offer.

Yeah, it could be that some of the positive attention and praise you’ve received was genuine, but you didn’t register it as such, because you believed you were hard to love… so you didn’t believe them.

Love bombing is usually used by narcissistic people as a way to hook you in, to “catch” you. Once they succeed, they become very different, they start controlling you, putting you down, manipulating you etc. Have you had such an experience before – of someone first playing super loving and nice, and then turning against you?

No actually not turning against me but like fake youj know?… I don’t like those kinds of people who just do something for me just because they want something from me. That’s not love. That’s simply like a business transaction. For example when I decide to help someone I don’t think I should only help this person if someday he/she can help me. In the past I had experienced with those kind of people and I’m not fond of that kind of greed even though it seems normal to everybody else.

Okay, this sounds like the way you reacted to your father: you actually wanted to tell him what he deserved, but you were afraid to do so… and so you remained silent but were boiling inside, right? Nowadays I guess when people remind you of your father, that same anger wants to come out, but you suppress it (rightfully so, because it would be inappropriate to express it to their face).

However, I think that’s why it would be so important to process the anger you feel at your father, because once you do, you’ll be much less reactive with other people, specially in professional settings, where it’s important to keep your cool.

Yes I’m keeping my cool but like you said sometimes I’m just boiling inside

Another consequence will be that you won’t be so afraid of speaking up when you disagree with someone, because you’ll be able to do it calmly, in a civil manner. Or without sarcasm (because sometimes when you’re upset, you use sarcasm, which is a form of passive aggression).

I’d really like that Yes!

Hm, I think it’s writing it down… I write it down when I am angry and upset. It’s a form of processing, because while writing, I usually get some insights about why I am angry, or sad, and how I can help myself. So journaling helps me.

Ah right it’s been a while since I did journaling, I should start this good habit. But for this setting I should just write down what I feel and how can I make it better?

You can do it either on your own, or in therapy. If you want to do it on your own, you can write it down, journal about it. Recall an incident from your childhood or youth which was really upsetting, and write down everything you feel about it. Write down why you are angry and how your father hurt you. You can also punch a punching bag or a pillow – that helps to express anger and release it from the system.

Remember, you’re not a bad person, or a bad son, for feeling angry about the way you were treated. It’s a justified anger and you have the right to feel it.

Okay that seems like a good solution.

 

Because we all have gifts and talents, we are born with them, it’s like jewels we are adorned with   We are all special and unique in our own way. That’s why we’re worthy simply be existing…

This is something I need to learn to accept.

Yes, quite possible, because if we don’t feel worthy, we typically want to achieve something big to prove our worth. Some people even do achieve great things, but they play it down, telling themselves it’s not a big deal, that they simply got lucky and don’t really deserve the praise (that’s the impostor syndrome).

You too mentioned you suffer from the impostor syndrome. And it’s possible, because you downplay your achievements and are pushing yourself to achieve more and faster. And that’s probably because deep inside, you don’t feel worthy and you seek validation.

So actually when you say your subconscious wants it – I think it’s actually your inner child who is seeking praise and validation from your parents…

Oh right you explained it very well. So I just need to make myself feel worthy again?

You are very welcome! I’ll repeat it: you are doing a lot, and have achieved a lot. It’s your feeling unworthy that is telling you differently!

Right!