Hey SereneWolf,

I am glad you’re feeling better after visiting your family and talking to your siblings. In situations like that, it’s good to feel supported and consoled by those close to us.

As for myself, I too am feeling a little better. Hopefully it won’t be temporary, like last time.

Hmm right but I’m already working on it and I shouldn’t be more rigorous about it now. Right? Or is there any daily practice I can improve or implement or update?

Yes, it’s important that you’re aware of it and working on it. Are you still doing the journaling (writing down your fears and resentments)?

I guess the part the she isn’t sure about me, it’s just making it easier for me take my leave, I thought about more and I may be craving that feeling when someone is scared of losing me, and even if they’re scared they’d take actions???

On the other hand I know it’s unreasonable to expect that level of strong connection if I don’t show her that type of connection or love…

I see… so you’d want her to stick around to prove her love. Although you didn’t let her say “I love you” and were not showing that you care about her too much… so yes, it’s kind of a contradiction. If you want her to stick around, you’d need to show it too…

[they’re not criticizing you directly, but comparing you to other people, and then you feel indirectly criticized and judged, right? Do you also feel it in their tone of voice – that they’re not pleased with you and expect you to do more?] – Yes Exactly!

Okay, I understand this makes you upset, but I think the first thing you should do is become more immune to those indirect judgments. To know that you are good enough as you are. So those veiled comments will not bother you so much.

And then you can decide what you want to do – whether it makes sense to ask your father not to mention other people to you, or to let it go. If you are not so triggered, it will be easier to take it lightly, e.g. to change the topic, or say “Yeah, he/she is doing quite well” (you sort of agree with them).

You don’t need to start justifying yourself, you just acknowledge that this person is doing well, while knowing inside of yourself that you too are doing well and that you are good enough. If you are not judging yourself, their judgments will carry less weight too.

No I didn’t. I felt much better after talk it out to my siblings

Good! Are your siblings supportive of you? Do they get similar treatment from your father and grandfather?

I guess I was in the same situation. Pressure from my father and grandfather because they wanted me to achieve things which they think is more appropriate for them.. So because of that they would give me more than enough kind of nurturance. But after I started living on my own I’m super aware of what I eat and really insecure about my body image so yeah anorexia nervosa. But also the bulimia except no vomiting. My body type is Pitta, So my metabolism is high so I eat a lot a lot, Yet my bodyweight is still low. My BMI is still around 19. I guess Hypothyroidism may also be part of it but I’m not sure.

I just checked, BMI of 19 is not undernourished, but on the border. But you say you do a eat a lot and aren’t vomiting, which doesn’t really qualify as anorexia or bulimia. Does it mean you have periods of indulging in food and then starving yourself, not to gain weight? Because that too can be disordered eating – sort of swinging from one extreme to the other.

EDs are always related to nurturance, I think. In my family, food was the only “pleasure” that was not judged, so basically it was okay if I ate a lot, I wasn’t judged for that. But I was for just about everything else. So I guess that’s also one of the reasons food became my “drug” of choice.

But another thing is that even though I’m insecure about my body image. Because I do think I have to be in normal range weight (I’m not super skinny but like not super healthy looking either) I have to gain muscles, have better skin.etc All the girls I’ve been with was like what we say “Out of my league” if we seeing things from that way. Yet still I didn’t felt good enough and it damaged my self-esteem even more?

Yes, it seems you don’t feel good enough, in this case attractive enough physically. Which is just another manifestation of feeling not good enough in general. I guess that in reality, things are a little different, because you did say earlier that you get compliments for your looks, and you do get attention from pretty girls, right? So you not feeling attractive enough is something you are telling yourself – it’s a part of your inner critic. And you know how to treat that inner critic, don’t you? 🙂

Yes. Luckily it’s getting much better. I found whole new way and I’m seeing good positive results

Oh great! I am happy to hear that!