Dear Arden:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation, you are very kind!

“It seems like you also live close to the north pole, a bit“- about 3,331 kilometers from the north pole.

“Yes, I have been realizing more and more how others are able to ASK, without guilt, or shame… They just ask, act, live… I also always acted with a passive thought in my mind that is ‘resource can be limited, be careful‘… ‘you might not be able to find this thing again, or in this price, so act accordingly, with caution.’ Even years before we had this global crisis and war, I had my mind on stocking stuff… I realize my old habits of seeing resources and money. How that has affected me in every possible way. My mind practically had a war and a global crisis at all times”-

-when we grow up in lack, in the absence of what need, we grow inward, more than we grow outward, meaning we minimize ourselves so to need less, so to get by with less. Asking other people for stuff is an outward expression; we don’t ask (I am similar to you, not asking for stuff!), we don’t assert ourselves, we try to accommodate others at our own expense.

“Also the friend of me here… offered (toothpaste) to me. I kindly rejected… then she commented on that saying ‘you never accept things easily, just accept it for god’s sake’… it got me thinking even more. Instead of instantly rejecting a random thing that was offered to me, why my first instinct is not accepting? Those people that I have resented for being spoiled.. their first instinct would have been to accept it. Either it is money, products, anything”-

-without knowing he was doing this, your father trained you to not accept/ reject things offered to you. Imagine if your father said to himself when you were born: I am going to train this baby to not ask me for stuff/ to reject stuff by punishing her when she asks for stuff, and rewarding her (maybe) for not asking for stuff,  Your father behaved as if he intentionally trained you this way, much like a person would train a dog: providing punishment (ex., talking to the dog in a harsh tone) in regard to behaviors the trainer wants to discourage, and provide a positive reward (ex., a food treats) in regard to behaviors the trainer wants to encourage.

Other people who have no trouble asking for stuff did not receive your training.

“It feels like I am even more closer to my own-self here far away from practically everyone else.. my authentic self the most“-your authentic self is Arden before she was trained by her father to not ask for stuff. Continuing to reclaim your authentic self would include learning to ask for stuff.

“I would wish that we could have came here together at the same time with my partner as I wouldn’t worry about finances or anything else this much, but as a result of my solitude here for months (already 5 months here alone… I can really feel how these job crises and other emotional hardships of moving here alone has contributed to my confidence...”- the reclaiming of your authentic self.

“The only problem we have with my partner is slight jealousy stuff… finances since I don’t feel safe and he doesn’t have a job at the moment and still applies, and he gets depressive when he gets rejected by each job… I try to save up more for any type of expenses that might arise… Can I trust him that way, would he put the same effort as myself and work, earn… So far, I don’t think he would use me. But I guess I have a built in fear about being used… These types of thoughts make me feel stingy, or weird, but all I am trying to do is to make sure that I am not being used. I start having expectations of him earning more than me once he comes (hence the skills he has) and therefore I can feel more secure in the long run”-

–  much of the ways we think is the result of the training we received, and not an expression of our authentic self. Try to accept your thoughts without shame because you didn’t choose them. If you had different parents, you’d have different thoughts ad different behaviors. Much of a child is a set of reactions to parents’ expressions, words and behaviors.

From what you shared, your boyfriend knows that you definitely need him to be financially responsible, to find work and earn according to his skills. I hope that he moves soon to live with you, and that the two of you operate as one responsible financial unit.

anita