Hey Tee,
How was your weekend?

Thanks, I am trying my best. In the past year or so I’ve started becoming aware of the layers of fear that I grew up with, out of which health anxiety is just one manifestation. So I am looking at fear, feeling it in my body, and trying to separate myself from it (so that it doesn’t take me over me completely). It’s not easy, but I’ve made some progress…. and there is still a lot of work in front of me.

That’s needs deep self-awareness and good amount of control so I’d say you’re doing quite well

No, I haven’t. Not sure it would work for spine problems though?

It should be. Try to find good Ayurvedic Practitioner in your area maybe?
Usually for spines there are Remedies that could include  Ashwagandha, Shallaki and Guggulu then there’s also Panchkarma and various Yoga Asanas as per your condition.

So perhaps you want some of that feeling of being cuddled and loved just because someone really enjoys your presence? (just like our parents should have enjoyed our presence, but with many parents it unfortunately wasn’t the case).

I think yeah and I know I had these moments in my childhood but I simply can’t recall those memories now but just the low feeling stuff.

Actually, by appreciation I meant what I described above: enjoying our presence, being happy to have us around, seeing us as special, appreciating having us in their life. What we should get from our parents as children. Basically giving us the message: “I am happy to have you in my life”.

Yeah I think I needed this before and I do need it now too

How do you feel with her? If you feel lightness (as in not being criticized by her, not needing to behave in a certain way so she wouldn’t be offended, the ability to just be yourself without needing to present yourself in a certain way), that’s a good sign.

Also, if you can let go of the need to change her, e.g. to judge her for her smoking, or for her “being on the verge of anger”, or for any other behaviour. If you would be embarrassed to introduce her to your parents, for example, that’s not a good sign. It means there is something that bothers us about the person’s behaviour, and we can’t accept them as they are but would like to change them.

Well, you did say you want someone to baby you. So I guess you do long for that intimacy and closeness (physical and emotional) with someone. So this might increase your interest in her…

I don’t feel at ease with her. I just get excited like a baby. And yeah lot of her behaviour, I simply can’t accept it for longer term. I think it’s just puppy love or infatuation. I don’t know if I’m trying to feel some void just like some distraction. So I try to reply her late and then she also does the same. Heck since yesterday I don’t like to talk to one of my friends who’s got into new relationship. Because she always be talking about how good and nice he is. I know as a friend I should be supportive but yeah I’m just not in the right mindset. But one thing is that yearning for is growing and I don’t like it. The more I try to resist it the more it’s growing

You mean you feel like you are not wasting your time if you are dating and meeting new people? Perhaps you feel the pressure of settling down and starting a family, which is another expectation on yourself? (and it is actually coming from the outside, i.e. your own parents and family)?

Hmm I don’t mean by dating more like adding better and meaning activities instead of mundane same routine everyday things. Nowadays I don’t feel the pressure of settling down. and dating is something new so.. I don’t know I still want to date just for fun not like creating deep and meaningful relationship but maybe that’s what alright for now?

Yeah, that’s unfortunate because that’s when we are the most vulnerable and impressionable – as children. Believing that it doesn’t matter because they are children is exactly the opposite of truth.

Yeah exactly!

I don’t know, you might want to tell your sister that children are super sensitive, so teachers, doctors, coaches and other authority figures (as well as parents, of course) should be careful not to say hurtful things and humiliate them, specially in front of their peers, because those are the kinds of wounds that stay forever…

I don’t raise my voice lot of times when I should, and then get angry after that. But next time I’ll try to explain them

And I also watched video you suggested and so it was really relatable and insightful so thanks a lot. I felt like crying after watching that.

Now I know that I need to work on shifting my beliefs

feeling I’m not good enough and being hard on myself because critical father and he me feel little and I thought he was right

So I was emphasizing I must be not worthy

She also asked this really good question tell me about a time when you felt powerful. I need to think about this.

Guided Visualization also seems like a very good practice to try  but I think feeling the truth is the hard part. Because it’s been so many years.