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Hi SereneWolf,
Como stai?
Io sto bene, grazie 🙂
(I only knew the 2 last words. For the rest I asked Google Translate 🙂 )
after that he came to balcony and be like yeah you’re doing well. I was like if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well. So he got angry again because I talked back. But I didn’t care. And tbh I felt so alive and proud of myself! It happened yesterday evening but I’m still feeling so good about it.
Yay, you did great! Congratulations! I love what you told him: “if you give me few minutes to learn something obviously I’m going to do it well.”
You nailed it! You pinpointed the main problem: his too high expectations and immediate criticism, instead of allowing you the time to learn things (and having patience and empathy with you). And he was like that since your childhood. No room for mistakes and a demand for perfection, or else he was quick to get angry.
And I loved that you were so self-confident with him: telling him that you are obviously going to do it well. Yes! That’s the spirit! You didn’t feel less then, or not good enough, but you confidently told him that yes, you can do it, you are able to, you just need a little bit of time to get the hang of it. Perfect!
my mother came to me and she was like you know him why you wanted a fight? So I also told her,. Even about the therapy. Like do you have any idea what this kind of events in my life and suppressed anger is doing to me? If you want you can tell him, He won’t be able to control me like he did in my childhood.
So your mother behaved the same way as she did in your childhood: trying to pacify you, so you wouldn’t provoke him. She wanted you to walk on eggshells around him, so he wouldn’t explode in anger. Basically, she was appeasing the bully (and trying to control you, his victim).
It’s good that you told her how her silencing you and making you suppress your anger had negative consequences on your life and mental health. And that he won’t be able to control you like that anymore. But I guess you indirectly told her as well that she won’t be able to control you any more either, right? You told her off too – you told her you won’t fall for her pleas to suppress your own voice. You told her you won’t stay silent, but will stand up for yourself. Which is amazing!
So once again, congratulations! It was 2-in-1 action: you dealt with both parents in one swift move. 🙂
How are you feeling today? Still good or there are some doubts or feeling of guilt, or anything like that?
Yes I actively need to work replacing critical voice with positive and supportive one.
It seems the inner protector – the inner Uncle Iroh – has activated himself in this latest encounter with your parents. Do you still feel the presence of this positive inner voice?
Well I think I’ve felt the most powerful just recently like I told you. Because of that I felt like yeah I have my own voice and power why am I keep letting them control me?
Yes, you do have your own voice, which can speak for you and defend you from attacks. I think it’s wonderful that you experienced that you are actually able to defend yourself and stand up for yourself. And this gave you a sense of power. Because if you can stand up for yourself, you are powerful. If you can say No to abuse, you are powerful.
Simply knowing that we have the ability to protect ourselves (from other people’s abuse, unreasonable demands, unfair expectations etc) gives us enormous inner power.
And another time when I finally got a fully remote job in sustainability!
Yess! That was a great success – your dream come true, and something you have been longing for a long time. And you made it! So yes, that too proved how powerful you are: because you can achieve your goals and dreams.
Hmm What else? Can I also count when I learned to Bicycling and Driving? Because my family thought I’m slow and scared of it, so I wouldn’t learn that
Sure, that one counts too. You achieved something your family thought you wouldn’t be able to. Achievement – and especially achievement in spite of obstacles – gives us a sense of power!
I mean I already tried, I also know the particular situation (the one I just mentioned) I think that situation from my childhood is the most memorable one
Okay, it could be that some “rewriting” of your childhood experiences happened in this very encounter with your parents. Because in this encounter, you’ve got the experience of standing up for yourself and speaking your truth, and not allowing to be silenced and guilt-tripped into obedience. If you still feel good about it, without doubt or guilt creeping in, then some “rewriting” has happened for sure.
But the feeling the truth by I mean like I’m right and I shouldn’t feel like only elder family members tell me is the truth. Like I literally feel like I need to build my own voice persona from scratch.
Is there a part of you which still expects validation from your parents (and grandparents) that you are making good choices? Like, you know that you are right, but a part of you is still doubting it?
Because the thing is even the positive voices are coming externally. Not from within, Like how some of my friends praise me, how my co-workers praise me for my work, the women I’ve been with tells me how kind, passionate and caring I am.
Do you feel that you still don’t believe positive things about yourself? That even though you receive praise from other people, you still have a hard time believing it?
Perhaps now 2 voices are vying for dominance in your psyche: one is your newly found confident voice with which you just spoke to your parents. And the other is the “good old” (actually bad old) inner critic, caused by years of criticism and telling you you’re not good enough?
Like I don’t feel like I actually need external validation, I’m not longing for those voices. But it’s just there. You know what I mean?
You mean you are not longing for external validation? But you also feel that your inner “validator” is not strong enough?
I need to connect with myself on deeper level.
What exactly do you feel you are missing right now?
But you can feel free to tell me how can I “rewrite” from your perspective.
I just meant the exercise with the inner child, where the client imagined an event from her childhood and then “rewrote” the script (she stood between her inner child and her stepfather, and protected her inner child from her stepfather, and then reassured her inner child that she is safe and loved and protected). But if you feel you did some of that in the latest interaction with your parents, that can work too.