Ciao Tee,

This week ended like blink of an eye and I didn’t even worked that much. It’s Friday again, Your heath is getting better? Have you tried any ayurvedic things?

If you want a wake-up effect, then I guess Latte would be a poor choice, at least for me it is, because all that milk puts me to sleep rather than waking me up 🙂 That’s why I said, Latte is comfort food for me 😀

Haha I think even little caffeine should work. Too much caffeine isn’t good for the person who isn’t consuming caffeine daily. Don’t you think?

Yeah, same with my mother. No words of encouragement, no praise – that too spoils the kid. It was a kind of a Spartan upbringing…

Spartan Upbringing I like the words you used. So that makes us warriors? I guess so lol

Well, she didn’t have an affectionate mother herself, so she didn’t really experience love and affection. But the saddest part is that she thought highly of her mother and never allowed any criticism of her. Even though her mother was a very critical, strict and cold parent.

My mother even blamed herself for not being a good enough daughter… so there was never even a glimmer of awareness about how bad effect her mother had on her. And unfortunately, due to that lack of awareness, she never worked on her own healing and only transferred her trauma on to me (which is how generational trauma happens).

Ohh I see. It’s like putting hands on your eyes and then tell others that you’re blind. And the another thing is that if she thought that she wasn’t good enough daughter, didn’t she thought that now I have my own daughter I should raise her right that so she would feel good enough? Generational trauma sucks and I can see it in my family and I’ll be the who will break the generation trauma in our bloodline

Hahaha… that’s quite a unique way to express affection. I thought he was checking whether you have fever or not 🙂 But if you feel he wants to be closer to you nowadays, but only knows how to do it in clumsy ways, well, that counts too 🙂

Yeah he doesn’t know how to show affection. I kinda had a same problem in my first ever relationship but I think now it’s much better. I hug my siblings often. My mother and grandma and even some relatives.

Yeah, could be. I think Acts of service and Quality time is also what’s important to him, actually to both of us. And Words of affirmation too. Neither of us is big on gifts though, or going out to dinners and special occasions. So we more or less speak 4 love languages, and the 5th isn’t important to either of us 🙂

Haha surprisingly very similar to what I had with my Long term LDR girlfriend. Mine was also Acts of service and Quality time and after that other love languages  and gift weren’t important for either of us.

Oh my! Your real uncle is your Uncle Iroh then!! That’s amazing! To have such a loving and caring elder – someone who appreciates you so much and trusts you – that’s such a blessing.

You should learn from him about relationships! Because you said he married out of love, to a good, smart woman. Which means it is possible, SereneWolf. He is your proof.

Thanks, we do meet less though. Although because of this I feel like his father doesn’t like me. But my uncle told me to ignore that.

And Yeah he’s big on relationships. Business and personal both. I also admire my aunt. Their love is really awesome. They studied together and then dated for like over 7 years they already decided that they want to get married and just before 2 months of the engagement he had a bad accident and he lost his leg (now he has a artificial leg and he walks fine). So my aunt’s parents said we don’t want this wedding to happen. But my aunt was firm and she said that no matter what happens I’m going to marry him. And against her parents’ decision she married to him which is quite a big thing for a woman here. And her own parents didn’t talked to her for over 3 years.

Oh, so she’s not only smoking, but also tends to drink a lot. She has anger issues but it seems she uses alcohol to “soothe” her pain. And she likes to vent a lot and fume, but it’s only like letting out a bit of steam from a pressure cooker – she is not really working on healing her issues.

About healing the issues. Here’s the fun part. She’s on therapy for over 4 years

This is similar to what you were doing in your LDR – caring about the girl’s health and that she is getting proper rest, is eating well etc. So this is the same kind of “savior” behavior with this girl too. And this girl is trouble, similar to your first LDR.

So beware of that – that you might get sucked into another savior kind of relationship, where you want to “parent” a troubled girl, who doesn’t really want to go to therapy and work on her issues. Perhaps now you would be a more compassionate and understanding parent, because you’ve worked on yourself, but nevertheless still in a parental role. And that’s not a good recipe for a relationship.

No. I think you’re misunderstanding. First thing is that I don’t even count her as my love interest. That’s why I said it was kinda puppy love feeling for me because maybe I felt lonely and we talked a lot. Another thing is that I never even had a friend who smokes and drinks that much they lose their senses. So I get really worried like what if something happens to her?

That’s good! It seems you are attracted to problematic girls, whom you want to help improve, and that’s a part of the excitement you feel about her. So be aware of that…

Hmm really? Because it’s been a while, I didn’t even had proper interaction with the woman. Including the latest one I only talked to her over the phone and texting. And I’m not attached to her anymore I think I was curious because she seemed little bit mysterious at first

Okay, so she was able to accept you as you are, with all your good and bad sides. You didn’t need to pretend with her. And you could vent to her, and she would listen. It didn’t overwhelm her. But you see – you didn’t feel that “tension” and excitement with her that you feel now with this latest girl. And it could be because she didn’t need fixing. You even felt a little inferior to her (I remember you mentioned that).

Yes I did felt inferior at first but after a while I was quite comfortable with her. There was physical and even some romantic attraction but I didn’t continue with her because of my fear. Like if something good like this would end, I’d feel so much hurt so I didn’t let her too close to my heart

So perhaps she was intimidating because you felt not good enough for her? And this one – the problematic girl – doesn’t feel intimidating because you feel better than her? And so you feel safe?

No judgment here – I am just asking those questions, so you could get to the bottom of the problem. Because I am seeing the same pattern as before, and perhaps now is the time to become aware of the pattern and try to break it (or rather, heal it).

I mean like I said I stopped comparing a while ago and I don’t see her as better or worse than me. And I’m not sure about pattern either because for pattern I need to actually go out and date someone don’t you think so? I’m getting bored of phone and texting.

It seems that caring, empathic girls don’t really attract you in the romantic sense – but you only stay friends with them. And then they find a guy and move on. And you are left alone. It seems like self-sabotage. A good girl, capable of emotional intimacy, isn’t attractive to you romantically. Because you are afraid of that deep vulnerability, which comes with a romantic relationship. So yeah, it all seems to be a part of the same pattern.

Ohh no no I think I’m really craving a caring and empathic woman, Even in a romantic sense, If you remember I felt like I had a feeling that I want someone to baby me. And it’s not like they move on, But it’s obvious thing that they’re gonna spend more time with their partners and then talk to me about what they did. Because that’s what friends do?

I do get attracted a women capable of emotional intimacy. But that part is true that I do fear the emotional intimacy.

Think about it in the light of what I’ve said above. You want some closeness, but not real closeness. You want to stay on the surface.

Hmm agree with this

Because when you fall in love, you fall in love with problematic people, which drain you (like this latest girl has the potential to drain you). And of course, you don’t want such a relationship.

But the biggest problem is that you are afraid to fall in love with healthy people. With whom you could experience a healthy, fulfilling relationship.

No the thing is when I fall in love, I get obsessed and all in, that’s why I always try to control myself not get attached. Like I said I need to learn slow and soft love. Not hard and fast.

Yeah, you want to be like a sailor, having a different woman in each port 😉 But you know it’s not the solution, SereneWolf. It’s an escape. So think about it. Your own uncle managed to have a loving, committed relationship. And he knows what love is. So… give it a thought….

Lmao! You’re making it sound spicy! 😂 But yeah I’m aware it’s an escape. But with a ray of hope. What if during my journey I meet someone who is really able to touch my heart and able to break down the walls in my heart? Or is that too much hopeful thing to think?

Because I think if I travel and do the activities that I love there will be similar women around who values those things. You see what I mean?