Hey anita

I was feeling our connection so special and precious before all that, i could feel it in my bones but now i can only remember it 🙁

Yes but sometimes my mind goes “why do u even do all that, since u dont want her”

Thats what i told the therapist, i think i feel like this is why i do what i do, to not lose my connection to her, but that’s now working well. For example today, i texted her but it felt like an “obligation”, we hadn’t talked for two days but i felt insecure about maybe her losing interest so i straight up asked her, if maybe there’s another guy in the picture or she’s bored and she told me to not say such dumb things and there is noone else, but she’s very exhausted and feels like she can’t give me any energy so she pulls back. Weird that we’re in the same place again, i told her to be herself and stop trying to be “perfect” for me (same thing i should say to me but..)

I remember the days i would shower and run into bed laughing like a baby just to chat with her all night.. for months. Our deep and long convos, the laughs.. I feel nostalgic, i wish i could relive those times 🙁

Idk how to give space to my feelings.. i am afraid i don’t have any feelings and i was anhedonic before her..