@Inky – Very good point in terms of answering unidentified texts/calls and making things more bothersome. Typically, I deal with a lot of clients due to my line of work (sales) and often times receive phone calls and texts from numbers not saved in my phone due to referrals, etc. I’ve tried to limit this however, and primarily use my office phone. I think i’ve been conditioned from work to pretty much answer anything, in hopes that it’s some sort of new business haha. I do appreciate the reminder from you (and this incident) however to be careful!

@Jasmine – Thank you, for the wake up call! I do have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, and making things bigger than “ben hur” as you say. I am doing it to myself, completely to myself. Even the close friends of mine I shared the story with said had the same thing happened to them, they certainly wouldn’t have been upset about it. I’m fabricating negative ideas, and judging myself. I do, need to snap out of it! Thank you, very much

@Big Blue – What you said about feeling as though everyone is “staring” at you, describes the feeling exactly. Like they can see all of the mistakes, faults, etc. written on my forehead. And just as you said it’s a burden thinking that way, that just weighs you down. Thank you for sharing your own story, to help show “i’m not the only one” and i’m glad spaghetti at this point for you is so enjoyable! I also watched Brene Brown’s videos on shame and vulnerability, and took a lot out of it! What really resonated with me was how she spoke about most of the time when we’re experiencing shame and judgement, when we look up, it’s really just us pointing at ourselves

@John – I think you’ve covered one of, if not my biggest issue completely. What you describe as feeling like being “forever tarnished” in MY MIND is EXACTLY the feeling. I have a tendency to set extremely high standards YET also have an incredible tendency to live small! Knowing what i’m talented at, what I can do comfortably, and more or less control. Little to no surprises, I always know the outcome, and can “handle” it. The tendency itself has indeed gotten to the point where it’s almost as if it’s my identity, aligned with the image of myself in my own head. Very thankful for your take on things, and will delve more into the concept!

@Matt – Lol, Matt, thank you. For not only adequately describing the physical “jumble” that goes on in the head, to the point where it almost feels like a pressure cooker. But the mental images as well. You’re completely right! The mysterious text message comes in, and you think to yourself “ah, it must be that girl I gave my number to a few weeks ago, I knew she’d come around” or “it’s probably my ex-girlfriend or one of her friends, trying to do this to see if i’m seeing other people” but then you find out the truth, the one you “didn’t expect” and you’re just completely dumbfounded! haha. Just as you said, you go over the nature of the conversation in your head, and say to yourself, “wait, what did I just do, what was I just a part of, is this a joke?, a set up?, were they serious?” But really, when you sit down, from the outside, and take a deep breath…(sigh) I can certainly see the humor in it haha, and thank you for the friendly reminder to point that out. I also agree with my response to the whole situation as telling me something, dormant perhaps. It is primairly a social fear, and I should be thankful that i’m being made aware of it and any latent homophobia I may not be aware of. I tend to have trouble detaching from other people’s opinions, but realize it should be none of my concern. We’re all in this together, thank you friend, for the advice, and the good laugh.

Thank you all again
for the wisdom, love, and kindness

Light
Bruce