Dear Ruth:

Maybe it is something to pay attention to, or to contemplate. We are very sensitive to criticism by our parents, no matter how  old we are. We often hear their criticism when they are not there, via the “inner critic” which is like the mental representative of our critical parent/s.

anita

Dear Prairie light,

Regarding sexual intimacy, if the most you want to do is kiss and hug, then that’s fine. You do not need to go further than that. Physical intimacy should be dictated by what YOU are comfortable with, not with what your partner wants you to do. If your partner wants to do something that you don’t feel comfortable doing, then it is your rights to not do anything. Not every relationship need sex to function correctly and it seems that you are one of those people who doesn’t regard sex as necessary. Again, completely fine and you’re not alone in that. There are many other people out in the world that doesn’t care for sexual activities who has great relationships.

Now, if the only reason that you are contemplating leaving your partner for the reason of having no sexual attraction towards her, then you’ll have to first understand if you even want sex to begin with since it seems to be a sensitive subject in many of your relationships. Do you know the term ‘asexual’? It’s pertain to individuals who either dislike sex or doesn’t want sex or doesn’t care for sex. It’s a sexual orientation for people who decided for themselves that even though they can have physical sex, they simply don’t feel the normal sexual arousal (or any kind of sexual arousal) towards anyone, regardless if they love that person platonically or romantically. It’s a relatively new concept since there are not a lot of people who identifies as one, but you might actually fit under that category. Here’s a link to get started:

What Is Asexuality?

On another note, if you feel that you aren’t completely open to your current partner, it might either mean that your affections for her has turned more platonic than romantic or you feel a certain guilt for being in a relationship your family does not approve of. Guilt has a way of shaming you, especially in regards to the judgment and opinions of other people. So rather then a lack of affection, it’s more the fear of inadequacy, of doing something wrong therefore you hold back. But your case with depression also has the affect of making you question your self-worth which can lead to a guilt of making your partner ‘endured’ you, so to speak. You feel guilty that she must support you through your trials of depression when she might be with someone who won’t put her through that sort of thing. Again, guilt can lead to many things, shame of yourself, irritation with your relationship or your partner, the dread of not being enough, the fear of rejection.

Yet, how much have you’ve opened to your partner about any of your fear? As much as she understand that you experienced depression, does she know any of your fear, shame and worry? Or have you held back from having any conversations with her about your anxious thoughts? Are you putting off conversations for the confidence masquerade of ‘she knows me so she’ll understand’ so you’ve stayed silent instead?

You’ve talked of her being frigid, but how much of that is a projection of your fear that she might not accept you?