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34 and still confused

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  • #96141
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Hi would love some non bias advice. Thanks!

    I have no problem that I’m the last one out of my friends to get married and have kids. I love my freedom and life of adventure… but often wonder if I’ll ever find “the one”, being that I can never make a decision and I’m so wish washy.

    Currently I have been with my bf for about 3 years. I have broken up twice already with him so one more time and I’m out. He’s more in love with me than I am him, which i think happens in relationships. He treats me right and is a great guy. Lately we’ve been having a little issue. I’ve been bored in the relationship. I get bored a lot and cannot stand mundane routine life. Is it me that’s the problem?

    Mentally and emotionally I am satisfied, but we are lacking in the physical part. I need more passion and spice. I’ve been honest and open with me feeling and he is very reciprocal/understanding of it. He knows that I’ve been very back and forth lately with the whole idea of us and wants to work through it. I am trying too. He needed to hear that I was hanging in here because I wanted to. I assured him I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do. Also, he’s younger than me too and I’ve verbalized that it worries me that by the time he gets financially stable that I’ll be too old to have kids if I wan to. If we did break up I would be sad but it wouldn’t crush me like past relationships.

    I care about him, love the way he treats me , but sometimes think I can do better. I eventually want to get married to the right person and don’t want to miss the opportunity if it passes me by because I’m too wishy washy. I also don’t want to waste time. I guess I’m wondering how long I wait this out and hope for the best or do I cut ties. I get that relationships are work and I’m willing to do it as long as it’s for the right person. I can’t answer the question if I really love him and us or if I love the idea of him and us. 🙁

    Please advise. XO

    #96144
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sassypants:

    You asked how long to wait this out or cut ties. I don’t know. If you want, we can communicate about this for a couple of days and maybe get an idea over time of what is going on. If you are willing, here are a few questions:

    What do you mean by stating you are “so wishy washy”? With him or in previous relationships as well? Professionally? With friends? How?

    You wrote that you are bored with him: are conversations with him boring? other than there not being much physical passion with him, what parts of him and the relationship are boring? Has it been the case in previous relationships? How long did previous relationships last?

    I will be at the computer tomorrow and hope to get a reply from you with any more information you’d like to add!

    Take care-

    anita

    #96147
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi S.

    I told myself I wasn’t going to post on this site again for personal reasons but I felt the need to read tonight for some odd/strong reason. Maybe it was the universe guiding me to help you and give you some input. Anyway, moving on… So here it goes.

    I believe in your case you two definitely need to communicate thoroughly about your expectations in life and for the future for that matter. Maybe a walk in the park or a picnic in the park will be comfortable and relaxing for the two of you, to express to each other what is important to you two. Express what you love/like about him and all his attributes and then discuss what bothers you about him, that you two can work on together to make your relationship stronger and so much better. Couples that are successful in marriages/relationships have a deep understanding of communication and each others needs because they truly love and care about one another. That is why their relationships thrive to last. Most call marriages/relationships work but when you love deeply love someone, it’s more like a labor of love. You don’t really realize that it’s work when two people are on the same page and want to be together and want to make it last.

    When you are ready to have a wedding, start planning together (that is the fun part). Enjoy your lives together after your marriage for awhile and when you two are ready to plan another big life event, which is to conceive a baby together, then start that journey together too. Before all that though, talk about how you two wish to raise your child together. Schools, values, morals and whatever else you two feel is important in regards to the life you wish to give your child together. Also to remember that when you two have a baby, to always have your alone time together as that is very important too. I always told myself, that when I get married and have a baby with my wife, that I would devote myself to making sure that our romance stays alive and that I would definitely work extra hard to make sure on my end, that my wife knows how valuable our love and our marriage is. If you feel that you are too old as far as conceiving due to age, you can still have your own baby biologically via-surrogate with your eggs. It’s a lot more affordable now and I’m sure your partner wouldn’t mind saving up or taking out a loan to make that happen. Believe me, there are a lot of options. Or you can still take the chance and carry the baby.

    Now, how much you love him or not I cannot answer that because I don’t live inside your heart of emotions. There is no such thing as the perfect partner but if you feel that you are no longer happy with him, then it’s time to have a personal discussion with yourself about what it is that you want out of life. I have loved and still love the same woman for almost 7 years (This coming September will make it 7 years officially). I don’t look for love, although I am definitely a person who will look for answers to the best of my ability in regards to an on-going love relationship. My point is – Is that I haven’t loved and or fallen in love with anybody else since then, dated or had sex with another woman either. I’m not and never have been physically desperate for sex, so I am grateful for that, I’ve been saving myself for the one I will eventually marry. I trust the universe and what it wants for me romantically, with also knowing that we have the power to make decisions in the love department on what we truly want to happen.

    I 100% agree with you on not wanting to waste time either because time is something we can never get back. So therefore we have to make the most of our time and get busy living and loving on what we feel is most valuable to us. If you want more spice in your life in the bedroom, then maybe you two can brainstorm ideas on how to make that happen.

    #96163
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You asked:
    What do you mean by stating you are “so wishy washy”? My love for him changes. One day I’m in love the next I’m not. Therefore I think love is a choice, along with an emotion.

    With him or in previous relationships as well? I was like this in other relationships too.

    Professionally? As far as my career I had no definitive path. I kind of fell into my position nd often question if this is what I was meant to do. Similar to relationships.

    With friends?
    I have friends but keep them at a distant. We meet up, catch up and that’s as far as it goes. I don;t feel as if we truly know each other as we aren’t around each other constantly. I fear that if we are, my fiends will get to know me and see how boring I am.

    I’ve been in long relationships before. 3-5 years at a time. I ask my current bf if he’s bored with me? He thinks I’m projecting what I feel onto him. Maybe I am. The routine is boring, not so much him. Work, dinner, bed, the grind. I have the summers off and I’m a completely different person then, but unfortunately he’s gone during the summer at work so he never gets to see that side. SO really we see each other half a year. Do I need that distance to feel the love for him? Is that wrong?

    As far as passion my last relationship was steamy and sensual although no so healthy. The sparks are lacking in this one. The raw connection and lust…. I’m not drawn to pounce on him which I feel like I should want.

    All of this that I’ve spoke of has been brought to his attention. He truly loves me and wants to make it work. I just don’t know if I’m feeling the same way or need him to leave again for the love to reignite. Hopefully this helps.

    #96165
    Sassypants
    Participant

    Thanks for responding ElleTinker, I appreciate the time that went into it and the wise words. Your relationship sounds happy and healthy. 🙂
    You said, “Now, how much you love him or not I cannot answer that because I don’t live inside your heart of emotions. There is no such thing as the perfect partner but if you feel that you are no longer happy with him, then it’s time to have a personal discussion with yourself about what it is that you want out of life.” – You nailed it on the head, I don’t know what I want out of life. I think I know, but as decisions are hard for me I don’t know if marriage/kids is the route for me. I also don’t want regret. They say distance makes the heart grow founder, but is there a line that that if that’s the only thing that makes you feel love, is it really love?

    “Couples that are successful in marriages/relationships have a deep understanding of communication and each others needs because they truly love and care about one another. That is why their relationships thrive to last.” I feel this is true about my current relationship. We do truly care about each other and want to understand each other, but i feel he does a little bit more than me. He’d be the person I’d want to be with when I’m 80, when physicality is no longer an issue. He’s be a great father and a great person to raise a child with. But right now the lust and desire is lacking. We’re currently working on spicing it up.

    We have an upcoming trip coming up… He makes a great travel buddy so hopefully between the conversations, understanding, and effort we can work this out or come to an answer. Thank you.

    #96166
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Sassypants:

    I read your post above and re-read your original post.

    In your original post you wrote: “I’m wondering how long I wait this out and hope for the best or do I cut ties” You indicated two options: “wait it out and hope for the best” OR “cut ties”. I am thinking: none of these two, that is passively waiting and hoping for…and not cutting ties. The third option is work on the relationship.

    And you are aware of this option because your next sentence in the original post is: “I get that relationships are work and I’m willing to do it as long as it’s for the right person.”

    This is my input regarding the third option, the nature of the work to be done: it needs to be, like you wrote, “for the right person’- only I am not referring to your current boyfriend as the ‘right person” but to you, Sassypants, as the Right Person.

    Going to your second post, I see that the indecisiveness and boredom with …mundane life is widespread in your life, past and present, in relationships and work. The work that needs to be done is on the nature of your boredom, is my belief.

    When exciting, passionate things are not happening, when you are feeling stuck in … nothing happening, what is happening at these times in your brain? Things are happening, thoughts and emotions that you rather not face, thoughts and emotions you prefer drowned and forgotten in the sea of passion and things-happening outside of you.

    The work to be done, I am suggesting to you, is in communicating with him about these very things, thoughts and emotions, your very personal experience when you are bored. When nothing is happening to distract you from these things. Make yourself known to him and listen for his feedback. This way you get to gradually, and often enough painfully (unfortunately) to know yourself, to know him and a whole new world opens up to you, an exciting world of loving (knowing/ learning about him) and being loved: learning about yourself as he gets to learn more and more about you.

    I have more thoughts and questions so to look into this further if you would like. I need to know at this point what you think about my input so far and proceed from there, according to your choice.

    anita

    #96208
    Wanderer
    Participant

    Hi Sassypants,

    I could relate a lot to what you wrote. I crave excitement also, and struggle to not get bored in relationships. I also seem to get bored with friendships as well. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I’m in the wrong “lane” in life. I don’t belong in the traditional lane, but that’s the one I’ve been dragging myself down for years. Why? I was too afraid to make a change, to be judged, to let people down. I’m slowly starting to change that though. Anyway, back to you.

    People will tell you that every relationship eventually falls into routine and habit. When they get to that point, I want to bolt. Everyone will tell you that love is more important than sex, but in my opinion passion trumps everything. If you don’t feel passion in your relationship EVER, and that is important to you, then you need to move on. I’m in my early 30s, and realizing I need passion in my relationship. That is what is important to me now, and I feel like I am worth the effort and pain of change to welcome that into my life again.

    It’s possible that you will date a few more men over the years before finally “settling” on one that doesn’t give you that passionate feeling. Maybe by then you will have a different set of needs that you can’t anticipate now that another man will satisfy. You have to ask yourself if it’s really worth it to stay with this man and potentially end up resenting him down the road because you feel restricted by the relationship. That’s what it always comes down to for me: I don’t want to resent anyone. I would rather be honest and upfront and go our separate ways to preserve the good stuff in the relationship to hopefully end up friends rather than enemies. Time will show you what is best, but don’t wait too long and always listen to your gut. I hope you find a way that is best for you soon. Good luck!

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