Good evening Spider,

After a break-up it’s good to stay away for at least 1 year in order to grow and also to take a good look at ourselves to see what we need improvement on, not from just 1 person but both partners. Sometimes a year apart can be good and there are people who get back together and their relationship is stronger & 100% better than it was while they were together. It all just depends on where both people are at in their lives. Also, if 1 person is willing to communicate and the other isn’t than it’s just time to close that chapter in your life. Can’t make someone communicate with you if their heart isn’t in it 100% or they just don’t want to for that matter. Some people have really big ego’s and are proud and feel that they don’t want to be the one to initiate contact, so the relationship just ends in all regards. S

Personally I haven’t dated anyone since my break-up in order to focus on myself and love myself, which I have successfully done for the past year since my break-up in July of 2014. Luckily you’re not a lesbian because if I’m in pictures with another female, people automatically think I’m dating – Wrong! I’m a lesbian who’s allowed to have female friends that I’m not interested in, in a romantic way for that matter, assumptions gets people in trouble every single time. I always tell people, just because a lesbian is attractive doesn’t make her a PLAYER or a cheater, not all of us anyway. People who don’t know me well have these ridiculous ideas about me because of the way I look, so I just stay away from people like that because I don’t have time for judgmental/negative people in my life. I am picky and I morals about who I share my body with and who I’m intimate with. Anyway, nothing wrong with wanting to stay friends with an ex because I’ve stayed friends with my ex’s.

I don’t know how to stop feelings unfortunately but what you can try to do is reach out through text message and see if you two can meet for lunch to see how you feel. Or you can just try to forget about your ex through meditation or therapy and focus on your new & current relationship. I don’t believe I could be dating anyone else if I’m still having feelings for my ex, in the end it’s just not going to work with the current person you are with because your mind is elsewhere thinking of the ex. That’s just me anyway. I respect everybody is different so the choice is yours my dear buddha friend. Maybe you’re meant to be back with your ex and maybe not, maybe things will work out with the new relationship but that is something you will personally have to decide for yourself. Only you know in your heart what you truly want.

I send you a bunch of love, positivity & light during this time.

Namaste,

E.

I disagree with you Inky because that kind of attitude is negative. That’s like me saying that I hope my ex looks like shit now, in order to make myself feel better about myself and that I’m far above her. That is not a healthy attitude to have if someone is thinking about re-connecting with an ex because if that’s the attitude an ex wants to give off, then there is no reason to even have any type of contact what so-ever.

Also, if an ex is going to even dread meeting up for lunch/coffee then that’s just downright being insecure and a clear sign that the ex can’t even act like a grown adult. If someone has to dread seeing/meeting up with an ex, then there is NO POINT in even contacting each other with that kind of an attitude to begin with. I’m sorry but I wouldn’t even dread the opportunity if it was given to me, I would actually be happy & confident that things would go well during lunch/coffee because I believe in the positivity of making things better. Or maybe it’s because I know well enough that my ex and I would act immature about meeting up.

” A broken relationship becomes fixable once you both begin to realize that the past doesn’t have to equal the future.” – Trent Shelton

Regardless of what happens or what you decide to do Spider, I believe everything will work out for you either way. I sent you a bunch of positive energy your way. <3

Namaste,

Elle Tinker.

Just To Clarify:

When my old boyfriends would contact me, I WOULD dread the cold call “coffee date” offer. And no, there was no negativity or immaturity about it! I would truthfully get that “I REALLY don’t want to do this” feeling. My DH had a “coffee date” query from an old GF and he had that “Dread” feeling too. The hardest part was saying “No” to them gently. Our rule is to NEVER do something that feels “Off”.

Now, if I ran into them, that would be a different story! That is more natural, and then it would more easily feel like old times. So if Spider could “orchestrate” that and make it look like an accident, that would give her more traction SOLELY based on my experience! What would be better of course, is to let The Universe do its magic and their paths DO cross again on its own!

And the “I look fabulous, he looks shlubby” is for her TO get some perspective. People age. People change. The thought you have of the beloved in your mind is often NOT what that person is like years later.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 9 months ago by Inky.

I disagree with Inky. Trying to set up a fake chance meeting could easily backfire. There are many ways he might find out. Most importantly his sixth sense might spot your deception. Then you will feel awful and foolish.

Hey Spider,

I realize this thread is about a year old… but I’ll throw in on it.

I can relate first off – I’m a guy, 32 years old. I dated a girl back when I was 18 for about 2 years – we broke up when she went to a different college, I joined the military – we stayed friends, dated again when I got out. We broke up after about 2 more years. We weren’t seeing eachother a lot, with work / school – she got a second boyfriend on the side, then I became the second boyfriend on the side.

She eventually moved across the state, changed her phone number, doesn’t have a facebook. I’m married now, its about 8 years later. My wife is amazing, way hotter, way more educated, beyond loyal and for some reason loves me beyond all hell.

I still miss my ex.. allllllll the time.

I took some psychology classes in college, also studied up on buddhism.

I’ve got a couple theories. So psychology first : people who aren’t happy in life, tend to lean on their partner for happiness – it’s unhealthy but it’s what people tend to do. I guess when I’m not feeling happy, I kind of revert back to times in the past I’ve stored in my brain as “happy” – which a lot of those times were with my ex. We look to our exes like an escape from whatever crap we’re dealing with – associating them with a better / easier time. It’s unhealthy, mentally speaking.

theory #2, buddhism derived : So one of the pillars of buddhism is the concept that everything good is temporary. A nice vase on a shelf, you can look at it and appreciate it – but it’s not wise to fear when it breaks, because eventually it’s going to break. Like dreading Monday all day Sunday – good things come to an end, enjoy them while you can – that whole concept is what I think we fail at when we miss our exes. We look at it like we “had” something we really liked / loved and now it’s gone so we dwell on the fact we don’t have it any more. Which is suuuuper against basic buddhism.

Best we can do is look at our exes, even if they were 10/10 perfect (which usually isn’t the case), and appreciate the good (just like a steak dinner), be thankful that we experienced those moments in our life – but accept that they’re gone. Know that even the relationships we’re in now will end some day, so enjoy them while we can.

Ugh. This cut like a knife. I know exactly how you feel.