Dear Heartbrokengurl:

He communicated some things to you that are helpful. Most important to my understanding regarding how you should go about it is: “he doesn’t want to feel pressured”.

This means to me that if you continue communication with him, if you choose to talk and see him again, as in going for a bike ride next, better not pressure him. This means to not talk about the future of your relationship, not in direct ways and not in indirect ways, but focus on the now, relax best you can.

The title of your thread is “a fight (for a man, for a relationship with a man)- do they work?”

If you choose to fight, that would be with your impatience, your anxiety, so to be able to spend time with him with absolutely no mention of a future with him.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

It is not likely to be his ex, not entirely. His anxiety and conflicts probably go further back, before he met her.

Not a good idea, for you, to have your heart break every time you see him.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

That reads like good thinking on your part. If you add to your good thinking a plan about how to deal with missing him, once you are no longer in contact, then you are likely to succeed in actualizing your thinking.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

I don’t think he is trying to lead you on, from your shares about him so far. Reads to me like he is troubled by his own internal conflicts, fears, and so on, issues from his past, before he met you. He is not a cold hearted manipulator trying to lead you on, not from my understanding.

Thing is how do you not lead yourself on? His text reads very positive and promising, and if you focus on it, you might lead yourself on to think that he can be that positive and promising all the time, at least from the moment he fell in love with you deeply enough.

Not the case. It is only a text. He is still the troubled individual that he is. There is no… falling in love with you enough to change this reality. Your speech to him didn’t work at all, you wrote. There is no fighting (title of your thread) for him that will work either.

There is nothing you can do to change the reality that it is his internal struggles responsible for his on-again-off-again attachment to you, so stop trying to fix or change or fight for him.

Consider my thoughts here and form your own. Try to relax into reality, enjoy Sunday and when you get distressed, repeat to yourself the thoughts that are congruent with the reality.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

Excellent job on your part with the following: ” I didn’t… tell him about my worries or concerns, or ask him what we are or what we’re doing, or where he’s at…. I didn’t expand on this (the positive things he told you)”

It is difficult for you, you wrote, “not knowing what we are”. Thing is when a man tells a woman where-they-are, and the woman is an anxious woman, she fears losing that place where they are at. She may feel good for a moment, but the feel-good disappears with overthinking. So no difference, really.

This is an opportunity for you to endure that anxiety, of not knowing where you are with him, because if it comes to it that he tells you what you want to hear, you will still need to deal with the anxiety of losing that place.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You wonder what he meant by telling you not to worry. Most likely he meant to say that he doesn’t want you to worry. He probably meant that he doesn’t want you to worry about anything, that he wants you to feel calm, not worried.

When you wish that he meant that you shouldn’t worry about your future with him, there is an assumption there, on your part, that he is emotionally strong enough to indeed present no danger for you to worry about. Your assumption is that he is strong enough, secure enough, knowing enough to know whether there is a future with you and what kind of a future.

Likely, he is as or close to being as anxious as you. We only imagine others are stronger when we feel weak. In reality, this is very often not the case.

anita

Dear Heartbrokengurl:

You are very welcome. Well, he is visiting his parents, correct? I don’t know about his relationship with his parents, maybe it is of such nature that he is distressed and so, he is not feeling tender feelings about anyone at the present.

anita