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  • This topic has 30 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 1 week ago by anita.
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  • #368332
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Good morning, guys.

    2020 has really been something, huh? I’ve been crying more than I usually have. In any other situation, I would keep this private and just write it out in my journals. But, due to the effects of the pandemic, things are rapidly becoming more chaotic for me internally. One minute, I’m happy and thinking things are getting back to normal. Also, keep in mind that I might be ranting a bit throughout this post, so if you don’t understand some things, I won’t hold it against you. I just have to let some things out regardless of if they’re  from the past, present, or future.

    But what can we do? We’re two months away from 2020 ending. Sure that’s a relief for a lot of people, but I’m feeling high key trepidation that 2021 will be more of a trash storm year. I’ve had rough years before for very personal reasons: 2011, 2013, 2016. I never thought 2020 would be this way. Yes, there were good things, but there has also been awful things.

    And is this some collective karma that we’re all facing? Did we all do something bad in our previous lifetimes and this is one of the karma lessons we’re facing? Even my astrology charts are a little mixed. For my Solar Return chart, my North Node is the 4th house. Then, when I check my transits, it says my N.N. is transitioning in my 10th house. I guess balancing work and home has been a huge challenge this year. I won’t lie. If it wasn’t for the pandemic, I never would have realized who I really was as a person. In some ways, it seems as if things start, but then they abruptly end. I know one thing for sure: I will never take teachers, doctors, and even nurses for granted ever again. If I had a spa card for every one of them, I would give it out. Someone please help me make this sense to me. Don’t just tell me, “Everyone is struggling” or “We’re all in this together.” I need to hear your own truth, not what you think I might want to hear.

    #368339
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    You asked if 2020 is “some collective karma that we’re all facing?”, and you requested: “Someone please help me make this sense to me. Don’t just tell me, ‘Everyone is struggling’ or ‘We’re all in this together.’ I need to hear your own truth, not what you think I might want to hear”-

    My own truth: the mishandling of the pandemic, political corruption, civil unrest, increased frequency and magnitude of wild fires and hurricanes- all which characterize 2020- these are indeed the collective karma for harmful human choices and activities that were made repeatedly over the last decades and longer.

    These are a few examples of such harmful human choices and activities this year: ignoring/ attacking science and scientists, politicizing masks, reversing climate change regulations, racism, white-collar crime, greed, selfishness and short-sightedness on the part of politicians and financial policy-makers.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #368361
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Your reasoning is very accurate and portrays the things that I have already educated myself with. A lot of people were either ignorant or apathetic (or both) to the fact that suffering affects everyone around them. What time is it where you live? Here in my area, it’s 2:38 p.m. Is it morning or evening where you are?

    I don’t know how to be someone who seems okay when everything around me seems to be destroying itself from the inside out. I’m not naive at the fact that horrible things happened before; I’m upset at the fact that there are people who want everything to be better yet many more don’t authentically care. I shouldn’t have to teach you how to care for other people besides yourself.

    Then, to top that off, I stopped my last job. I did my best to stick it out, but the commuting was hard. Ironically, I feel more like myself when I’m not doing much. I’ve come to the conclusion that the way American culture lives is beyond our dire expectations. To have constant energy to work while still having the energy to cook for your families or pay your electricity bills is beyond me.

    How about you, Anita? How are you handling everything?

    #368362
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    Regarding time zone, you must be on the East Coast. I am on the West Coast, three hours ahead of you. I am fine, considering the end-of-the-world feel to it all, thank you for asking.

    You make a good point regarding people being apathetic. I see around me people either being too passionate (including myself at time) or indifferent. We all need to care enough to do what we can do to make things better, but not too much as to overwhelm ourselves into paralysis.

    anita

    #368364
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You’re so right. Everything is in extremes. We either want to put everything on the line to win arguments to feed our egos, or we want to put everything back to normal. Granted, even when things were normal, they weren’t perfect.

    #368365
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    I wouldn’t “put everything on the line to win arguments” – I don’t think I ever won an argument in my life- not good at it. When I said I was too passionate about the issues, at times, I mean that I feel it intensely, and feeling too intensely is paralyzing, we do have to pace ourselves emotionally and practically.

    I agree: “when things were normal, they weren’t perfect”- far from perfect, I say.

    anita

    #368366
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Agreed. It’s all about finding balance within ourselves. If anything, I think I can be able to rely on the support of my family and friends.

    #368368
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    It is good to agree and to be agreed with. Good to read from you!

    anita

    #368400
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Sometimes I feel as if an open book is going to be read about my life. While I know we all have our hang ups, I still fear that someone reading about how I lived will misconstrue something further from the truth. I’ve had to cut off ties with people over the Internet due to discussing who I liked.

    One person even told me that I had moods that resembled a bipolar person. We don’t talk anymore, but it still hurts that she would imply that I had that disorder. I know what bipolar disorder is and I’m definitely 100% sure that I don’t have that mental illness at all. Those that do deserve to be supported. To this day, I don’t know if this person was threatened by me feeling hopeful for the future or if I should have kept certain things to myself to please her. She even said I was manipulative when I didn’t want to see my family one time due to my history with anxiety. Keep in mind this was long before Covid hit the world. How is it manipulative if I don’t want my anxiety to take over? I know I’m not bipolar. You were a liar then and you’re a liar now.

    #368403
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    I understand. In my experience here, communicating with many hundreds of members over the years and reading how members communicate with each other, I noticed and learned some time ago that lots of people have the tendency to negatively criticize other people. I had that tendency myself, as I would read a member’s post and something there annoyed me, angered me somewhat, and that anger led me to criticize the member. I learned to not respond to members unless I am calm. If I feel angry, I postpone responding until I am calm.

    The person you shared about, who suggested that you are bipolar and manipulative- she may have not learned the lesson I learned, and she may still be hurting other people in the ways she hurt you. I am sorry that she hurt you.

    We all need to be careful to not interact with others when angry, to kindly withdraw until we are calm, to ask ourselves: what is the purpose of what I feel like saying, is it likely to benefit or harm the person I will be saying it to, and then make a thoughtful, mindful decision.

    anita

     

    #368407
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    In truth, this didn’t happen on Tiny Buddha. This was on Twitter. You’re right though. I know my truth and who I am. I just felt sorry for her because life made her seem so bitter about the world. In hindsight, I think  she was projecting these insecurities and doubts about herself onto me because she couldn’t handle the fact that I still look at the world through optimistic eyes. I know that’s lowkey insane to say given the year we’ve had, but it’s true. She did teach me a valuable lesson though. I should never compromise who I am for anyone’s standards.

    It wasn’t just her. If anything, I dealt with this lesson a couple more times on another social media site and since then, I’ve been weary on how to communicate with people online. Forgive me if 27 years of appealing to non-autistic standards wasn’t enough for you. That last part wasn’t aimed at you; it was aimed at the people who gaslit me into thinking that I’m a villain. If you want to talk about modern day villains, criticize Shane Dawson and other problematic celebrities.

    #368409
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    I never thought of you as a villain, never crossed my mind, so I am surprised anyone suggested that you are a villain. I understand you being weary about communicating with people online- it is not always a pleasant experience. Good to read that you learned to never compromise who you are so to fit anyone’s standards. You are welcome here, to be.. you!

    anita

    #368443
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for reassuring me that I am not a villain. I was able to do two face masks on my face. One was a DIY I did. I used a blender and cracked two eggs, used extra virgin olive oil, and I mixed in one banana. I applied the rest of the moisture to my hair. I highly recommend whenever you need a little TLC. I also never thought I would say this, but I am so grateful that I am not a famous person. I don’t know if you have watched this video, but many celebrities sing the John Lennon song, “Imagine” to make everyone better about the pandemic. The video got so much backlash and everyone criticized how tone deaf people were to the situation. It’s hard enough trying to forgive myself for making mistakes every day. I can’t imagine everyone in the world pointing the finger at me.

    It’s snowing right now where I live. I’m going to watch the movie, “Love Story.” In a weird way, having a lot of emails about my jobs has motivated me too. It’s not always easy to keep track of them. I did do one interview, but it’s for a job in Boston and I’m still saving money for that. Have you ever seen “Love Story”?

    #368453
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Aiyana Henderson:

    You are welcome. I didn’t watch Love Story, not that I remember. I hope you enjoy the movie and the snow, and that you get a job that will suit you well.

    anita

     

    #368493
    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
    I appreciate your last message. Everytime I wake up, I feel angry. This pandemic still messes with my emotions. Watching YouTube videos helps me cope with life. I love watching Archie’s Weird Mysteries. I need to keep applying for jobs. I know things will get better for me. I just need to hold onto my dreams and hope everything will improve.

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