November 1, 2020 at 6:33 am #368496
Dear Aiyana Henderson:
You are welcome. I appreciate your message, which is the first I read this morning. I share your hope that everything will improve. Keep hold on to your dreams, apply for jobs- and things will get better for you.
anitaNovember 1, 2020 at 1:02 pm #368503
Thank you for replying back to my message.
I really want to see a therapist sooner than later, but I need benefits for that. Sometimes I think I’m too complex for anyone to have me figured out. Half the time, I’m still trying to understand my authentic wants and needs in life. Also, if I ever cross a boundary or make you feel like a therapist instead of a friend, let me know. I got backlash for that too with people in private messages.
I still want to leave my city. I think I want to leave the cringey memories behind it. I was never the type of person to be a small town girl. The idea of living in a small town gives me a visceral reaction, as if my freedom is taken away. Even writing about my family seems complicated. I know some of them are trying to be better, but I still feel resentment towards a few of them for different reasons, even if something happened ages ago. As far as jobs go, I have a job interview for Friday at 4 p.m. Hopefully this is the one I’ll get to have. Do you ever get angry at society? I don’t think my upbringing was the entire problem. Society could have been a factor. I’ve kind of become cynical about it. The fact that you need to work yourself to death to make a living is something I never agreed with.
Astrology has made some things better. I think it’s helped me grow as a person. A lot of things made me grow as a person. Even having a love life is complicated. It’s a little cliche, but I always thought I would talk to someone, we would just have that spark, and then life would be fabulous. Anyway, I hope things are okay with you and that you continue to stay safe during this pandemic. I am glad that staying home while unemployed makes me feel more safe. I never really went out much before Covid, so this works out for me.
AiyanaNovember 2, 2020 at 6:54 am #368518
You are welcome, I hope you do well on your job interview on Friday, and that one day you will be living in a big city of your liking.
“Do you ever get angry at society? I don’t think my upbringing was the entire problem. Society could have been a factor”- my individual family did not exist in a vacuum, it was very much part of society- society is always a factor as no individual and no family is separate or unaffected by society. And yes, I do get angry at people, of course, I get angry at people who harm other people and continue to do so, not stopping to examine, evaluate, reconsider and change the behaviors that need to be changed for the common good, for the good of all people.
Thank you for hoping that things are okay with me and that I stay safe during this pandemic- I hope the same for you.
November 10, 2020 at 7:21 am #368906
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.
Thank you for replying back to my message.
My emotions are still all over the place. At this point, I don’t care who knows my business and whatnot. Another small thing triggered me and it was an issue. My thoughts got kind of dark, but I was able to snap out of it. I’m not happy anymore. Please reply soon.
AiyanaNovember 10, 2020 at 7:37 am #368908
What is it, what are your kind of dark thoughts, what is happening?
anitaNovember 10, 2020 at 9:09 am #368910
I was angry at myself for my shortcomings. I didn’t want to keep doing what I’ve been doing, but I need to. Do you have an email or anything else? I think this would be better discussed in private.November 10, 2020 at 9:46 am #368912
No, I don’t want to communicate on email. You are welcome to share here, or not- choose what you are comfortable with.
anitaNovember 10, 2020 at 10:04 am #368916
I give. Quarantine keeps kicking my ass. I have no control over it. If you know me by now, you know I’ll be rambling a mile a minute. Did you know that I once took a quiz to see if I was a Betty Cooper or a Veronica Lodge? I kid you not, I took a quiz from Bustle.com and got Veronica 4 out of 5 times. I guess the girl next door isn’t really my forte, huh? Ugh, and to top that off, my routine was out of sorts this morning because I got mad at family members for complaining about a box that should be taken out. Let me repeat myself: I don’t read people’s minds. You have to communicate with me.
You won’t know what I mean by Betty and Veronica, but Betty is the good girl next door who loves Archie but is treated like a doormat. Veronica was the glamorous but horrible woman who looked down on everyone. I won’t lie. Betty may have been nice, but at least Veronica has standards.
I’ll write back to you after I finish eating lunch.
AiyanaNovember 10, 2020 at 10:31 am #368923
Veronica Lodge, a fictional character, lives in a house full of servants (so reads Wikipedia), often thinks of the servants as people who “are only there to serve her, and she doesn’t see them as people. She will often yell at her maids”, “constantly looking down on those less fortunate than herself, or sees herself as the rules of common society don’t apply t her simply because she is wealthy:, “self-absorbed, insensitive, shallow”- hmmm, no I don’t see you as this character.
Betty Cooper on the other hand, is “friends with everybody.. likes to help the homeless, read to the senior citizens, and rescue wounded animals and birds. Betty’s hobbies include playing sports.. cooking.. She is also concerned with the environment… She wants to be a famous writer someday”- I see some commonality between you and Betty Cooper.
I hope you enjoyed your lunch, it is now 1:30 pm your time, 10:30 am my time.
anitaNovember 11, 2020 at 4:24 am #369010
I understand where you’re coming from. However, Veronica deserved the best things in life.
Sincerely, AiyanaNovember 13, 2020 at 8:29 am #369255
Things are still pretty okay around here. Every day, I feel that I’m becoming a different person. When COVID hit the world, I started to keep track on how long I’ve quarantined or the pandemic hit for me. It’s Day 245 for me. There’s only two months left until 2020 is over. A part of me doesn’t want to jinx what will happen in 2021. I want to focus on what will be good in the present moment. Maybe you were right. We’re all experiencing some collective karma to heal Mother Nature and other systems that need rebuilding again: schools, governments, healthcare, etc.
While I’m still writing, I haven’t put pressure on myself to keep writing every single moment. I’m more intuitive to take care of my needs, whether it’s to eat, sleep, etc. I hope you’re okay.
AiyanaNovember 13, 2020 at 8:47 am #369258
I am okay, thank you. “I want to focus on what will be good in the present moment.. to take care of my needs, whether it’s to eat, sleep, etc.”- is the best you can do for yourself and for the world: the healthier Aiyana is=> the healthier the world.
anitaNovember 18, 2020 at 8:54 am #369554
While I’m glad that things are getting better for me, I sometimes unintentionally trigger myself. I follow a therapist on Instagram named Nedra Tawwab. She’s a black female therapist. The things she posts are always helpful for me, but I always get angry when I realize the majority of her advice could have helped my life so much. Sometimes I still have bad memories about what I did or what someone else did, and I get annoyed. Even now, I’m lowkey terrified that telling you my issues will become tiresome and you won’t want to deal with me.
It’s actually my grandfather’s birthday today. He’s eighty-five. I’m starting to discover that a lot of lowkey trauma in my family isn’t always divided into small things. It could be generational. Like me, my mother never really stood up for herself because she was taught to be kind to others. She even told me that I would be the only one in the family to take care of her and my stepdad. While that seemed fine at the time, it doesn’t sit right with me anymore. I should be happy to celebrate a loved one’s birthday. Covid did nothing but make me see the glaring issues that my family members continue to have. It sucked that I had to quit my job, but at least there, I wasn’t around family members 24/7. One of them even asked me how my job was, as if I could just drop everything to talk to her. Sometimes I think I’m so complicated that there isn’t any easy answers. Then I criticize myself for being dramatic about those easy answers. Thanks, internalized negative thoughts.
I always saw in media how leaving your romantic partners and friends are needed, but I rarely see that for families unless they drink booze or have a horrible abusive cycle. For so long, I thought we weren’t toxic at all. Then everything changed before, during, and after Covid, and I had to open my eyes.
Sometimes you have to just cut the thread.
AiyanaNovember 18, 2020 at 10:13 am #369556
“I’m lowkey terrified that telling you my issues will become tiresome and you won’t want to deal with me”- the more you tell me your issues, the more I want to deal with you.
“I’m lowkey terrified… a lot of lowkey trauma in my family… leaving your romantic partners and friends are needed, but I rarely see that for families unless they drink booze or have a horrible abusive cycle. For so long, I thought we weren’t toxic at all… Sometimes you have to just cut the thread”-
– lowkey trauma is enough to seriously traumatize a child, it doesn’t take “booze or have a horrible abusive cycle”. When a parent says to a child, for example, you-are-nothing,-a-nobody, no bones have been broken, no blood has been shed, yet those words create so much emotional pain for the child .. that his or her whole life is significantly and negatively affected, and many such adult children end up sick, injured or dead as a result, as in drunk driving into a ditch, or overdosing on drugs while under that lasting emotional pain of the words you-are- nothing,-a-nobody.
“Like me, my mother never really stood up for herself because she was taught to be kind to others”- it is possible and it is healthy to stand up for oneself and to be kind to others, as in being a combination of the two fictional characters you mentioned earlier: Veronica Lodge (standing up for herself), and Betty Cooper (kind).
Aiyana, I feel that these two posts today, what you wrote to me and what I am about to submit, are very meaningful. I don’t want to lose this possible beginning of a deeper communication between the two of us. Therefore, I made the following decision: if you want to continue to communicate with me, you are welcome to do so on this thread only.
You are welcome to start new threads, as many as you want, but I will not reply to you on new or old threads. This way, it will be possible for us to build on previous communications, making a meaningful exchange over time.
Again, you are welcome to start new threads, and I hope other members will reply to you there, but will reply to you only on this one thread: “A Pulse, An instance”.
anitaNovember 23, 2020 at 6:34 am #369755
Thank you so much for this wonderful message. As much as I would love to chat with you, I should let you know that I’ve found other like-minded individuals who will support me on the journey. I hope you support me on mine as well. The last week of November is here. I can feel bigger things happening for me. I wish this letter was a bit longer, but that’s all I have to say for now.