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A single mother’s journey

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  • July 22, 2014 at 3:18 pm #61505
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    I promised not to tell the drama story as it serves me no longer. I stay true to this and will only say what needs to be said to get a glimpse of me at this moment. My life took a pretty major crack back in 2011 when I decided to leave my then husband and begin my first journey as a co-parenting mom. There was no love from me to him as far as what I think is fair, I loved him as a friend and well that is not what he deserved so I left. We managed to split our time 50/50 for our son’s wellbeing. It was hard then and it is still hard now but we are dedicated and bettering as each day passes.
    If that wasn’t hard enough life threw something at me, at first I pushed it away and away, but it kept creeping up on me. Through dreams, meditations, I just had to meet this person no matter how hard I tried to distract myself. I loved him even before we met. Yes, you might be thinking “is this woman crazy?” but I knew I loved him before we met. He even shared feelings which he could not explain, stating he felt as if he had met me long ago and he too loved me before we met. We both knew a baby was on the way about 1 year into our relationship, even though we took care of ourselves as far as contraception, we both knew we already had been chosen by our boy. Our intuition was right, about 6 months after we had that tingling feeling I found out I was pregnant.

    As a Libra I am a romantic by nature, a devoted lover who trusts fully. Well my trust you can say was deposited into someone who has been the other half of breaking my heart. I say half because I take charge of my half that ended the relationship. A little less than 3 months ago my life took another crack and now at the age of 29 I have been hit with one of the most difficult adventures; raising 2 beautiful little boys (a 5 year and a 5 month old) while nurturing and caring for my inner wounded child. Rejection is the phantom at my door probably every day, I mean nobody likes to say “it feels nice to have been deceived by a loved one,” let alone a loved one you created a beautiful being with, but it happens and now I am in the search of finding other Tiny Buddha’s out there who have lived it, gone through it (not around it), and have come out stronger and more resilient than they could have possibly imagined.

    At times I wonder if this relationship was karmic and it was the price I had to pay for having married and had a child with someone I wasn’t in love with. It could be, but now isn’t the time as to the question of why but as to the action of what will I do now. If there are any wonderful people out there who are single parents, who are single parents and have been deceived, or who simply want to give me some love I leave my arms open. Know that my arms are open to also give and send you love…the path I choose from now on is not an easy one but a truthful one. Sat Nam (truth is my name).

    July 22, 2014 at 6:39 pm #61517
    zaica
    Participant

    hi..recently had a fight with my inlaws.. then my husband didnt come with me and my son when we left their house.. my family got me back.. my husband said sorry when we were at the airport but it was already too late…. my family hates him so much upto now… we managed to meet after a month i felt that he really wants us back.. i miss him.. but i told him my family told me to forget all about him for good.. i tried..for a couple of weeks i tried to let him go.. but i just cant do it with my sanity intact..i felt myself slipping away when i tried to forget about him.. my family would help me to stand up again on my own..with one condition. that i completely let go of him.. it makes me feel so sad and hopeless.. whenever my husband and i communicate i also feel guilty bcoz i know im doing it on my family’s back…i really love him still.. i want our family to be whole again.. but im not sure my own family will permit it…

    July 22, 2014 at 6:51 pm #61521
    zaica
    Participant

    i dont know how hurt you are right now.. but i hope you can pull through.. maybe that’s why i came across your article, to know that there are other single moms out there.. either by choice or not… the first night i went through without my husband was something i wouldn’t want others to feel.. it was simply so painful that being insane was an alternative.. but i couldn’t do that bcoz my little angel needs me to be strong..u… i hope you have friends and family to pull you through right now..

    July 22, 2014 at 8:43 pm #61539
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    Hi Zaica,

    Thank you for posting your story. I may not know the backbone of why you are separated but it seems both of you want to be together. Would it be possible to leave the family (yours & his) behind to save your marriage? Relationships are about 2 people and can definitely be saved if both are willing to work hard. Let go of past hurts, change, and move forward. I send you, your husband, & sweet baby a blissful outcome.

    As far as me, thank you for wishing me well. I have support from many beautiful people, not necessarily blood related but family in my eyes. I live with only my 2 boys and make the best of each day. I never actually lived with my 5 month old’s father; God’s plan never took us towards that path of union. It hurts I will not deny it, like I said before rejection is my phantom. I never knew such pain could be in my system until this happened. At times I felt my heart was truly bleeding

    July 22, 2014 at 11:10 pm #61558
    zaica
    Participant

    thank you Sat Nam… 🙂 … im praying to God to make it possible.. for now i just have to survive each day that he’s not with us… i dont know you that much.. but i can say now that i admire you… for being strong… just managing to be sane after what happened is an achievement, for me that is..:)….i dont have someone close to me that is a single mom… so im really grateful to have met you…

    yes the pain is so much…i even gone through the time when all i can manage to swallow is just water.. nothing more… thankfully i can already eat now…

    im happy to hear that you are not alone there…God is still good… i pray for your strength and peace of mind…

    July 23, 2014 at 8:41 am #61578
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    Yes, exactly Zaica! God is good, there is a Spanish phrase which has helped me so much. It goes “Dios si yo alguna vez pierdo las esperanzas ayúdame a recordar que tus planes son mejores que los míos.” In English it would translate to “God if I ever lose hope help to remind me that your plans our better than mine.” And yes, our ego makes us think what we want is what we need, when it is not necessarily the case. I know for certain if my ex had not done what he did I would not have opened my eyes to the inner wounded child I had deeply buried years ago. You see, whenever a “chaotic” event comes up it is for us to look within and ask “why does this hurt? What is in me that makes this event so painful?” Maybe we were abandoned as children by one of our parents. Maybe we never felt we belonged in school. There are so many factors we can start to look at and begin to heal. Yes it is a pretty gut wrenching way to heal but sometimes our ego needs to be tamed in this manner hehe 😉 God loves those who are grateful even if they don’t get what they asked for ♥

    July 23, 2014 at 9:29 am #61584
    Matt
    Participant

    Sat Nam,

    Passion can be a double edged sword. Not enough, the world becomes dull, listless. Too much, and everything becomes over saturated, each moment rich and full of meaning. In the middle, there is tempered desire, looking around, recognizing we want change, but acceptance for what is. The problems, the blessings, the past, the future… can be met with patient endurance, breathing, none becoming the source of our happiness or unhappiness.

    Karma is not a cosmic punishment vehicle.. such as a great external vehicle creating circumstances of your life based on your good and bad actions, thoughts, feelings. Karma, in this context, is more like the way echoes of our actions shift the way we relate to the present moment. So in some sense, yes, your newborn’s father was influenced by karma, such as the “leftover” or “causally linked” circumstances that lead the situation to its apparent ending. Some on your side, some on his.

    Broken heart? That sounds dramatic. Your heart is still beating, still full of love. Consider instead accepting you’re grieving, feeling loss, perhaps some bruises. A broken heart looks, sounds different, at least in the world I’ve seen so far. It seems more like you thought a pauper was a prince, dressed him up in finery, and you two enjoyed a dance in the palace. However, as the music faded, the finery put away, the pauper was revealed, exposed, and ran. It happens. Said differently, sometimes we cling to the dream of our romance, instead of slowly, patiently, working to see the intimacy grow strong, resilient.

    As a karmic lesson, perhaps you could rest with, breathe in and out with, the way your dreams and hopes painted finery on a man, giving him the illusion of being something that he was not. Next time, perhaps don’t try to paint him, rather, keep your eyes open to what is really there. That’s when we can see genuine light, their light. How else could we navigate?

    Finally, you seem to have the gift of writing, the flow of an artist. The pictures that sprang into mind while reading your words were radiant, sad, a little fluffy but strong, as well as teetering between love and hopelessness. Said differently, your torch burns bright, dear sister, thank you for sharing. A few footfalls, a few breaths, a few tears, a few laughs, and there will be Sat Nam, smiling, wiser, ready.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    July 23, 2014 at 9:42 am #61585
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    Aww Matt just beautiful! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opening my eyes more. I am a dramatic haha so thank you for stating it. And yes I did make everything out to be what it was not long before the ending took place. I honestly know I clung on to the idea of creating a true and beautiful union with this person, probably for fear of another “loss” & abandonment. Repeating again the single mom scenario but now with not 1 but 2 children. What I so feared came true, so many lessons in this event which I am still working to really learn, apply, and not repeat. In Spanish there is a phrase that I have been told so many times “tropezaste con la misma piedra.” In English it would be something like “you stumbled on the same rock,” I know the things I have done (in this life and previous) were not the greatest and by consequence things fell apart to some degree. But I am devoted to love in all its forms and I do choose to not make this my downfall. Thank you again for your poetic way of giving me a more broad perspective of my current situation. In love & light my friend ♥

    July 24, 2014 at 9:51 pm #61703
    Nikki
    Participant

    Dear Sat Nam,
    Give yourself time there is so many factors that come into play that you need to grieve from a breakup. I became a single mum nearly 5yrs ago. I was terrified on so many levels I never wanted to put my 3 beautiful kids through a divorce but it happened. Having trust broken is hard to get passed but in time it happens. I have found the hardest thing is to give myself the courage to trust my instincts again. Life is such a wonderful thing full of ups and downs and lessons to be learnt I am now happy and content in my life and love the relationship I have with each of my kids which is so much stronger now than I feel it would have been had I still remained married. I loved what Matt had to say it helped enlighten me too and I am so glad to hear that you are still devoted to love in all its forms as for a few years I had closed that down and my life was so black. Love truely is a wonderous thing and it all begins with self-love. Good luck to you and your boys and thanks for sharing. Sending big hugs to you and the best of wishes in your travels through this journey
    Warm regards
    Nikki

    July 25, 2014 at 10:58 am #61755
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    Good morning Nikki,

    Thank you so much for commenting on my post. It is great to hear from a woman who went through it and has managed to be lighter, freer, I imagine more radiant. Something stood out for me “I have found the hardest thing is to give myself the courage to trust my instincts again.” So true, like what Matt had said, my instincts were telling me he was a pauper but I kept painting him like a prince. I am learning so much about myself as a mother, as a woman, and as a wounded child. Had this not happened, I know for a fact I would be in illusion land and pretty much a living zombie; at some point a crash had to happen and I forced to react, pick up the wreckage, and be an alchemist transforming everything to light (my true nature). The last 2 days have been tough, I feel a volcano of tears about to erupt but each time it happens I am at work :/ You and I both know I cannot afford to bring drama to work as I work with only men. Sorry for going on and on, it felt nice to talk to someone who could understand me. Thank you for your warm wishes, I send you all the love & light of the world so you and your 3 beautiful children just dance in the warmth of joy!

    July 31, 2014 at 10:46 pm #62383
    zaica
    Participant

    @Sat Nam
    hi.. i was browsing the articles and saw yours… i just wanted to drop by and see how you are doing.. you’re a great person and im happy to know you’re hanging in there..:)…
    when i was so down i read on articles on moving on.. one line stucked with me.. let the tears fall… let it cleanse you… gradually the pain subsides….
    dont apologize for going on and on..:)… it helps lighten the load when you let it out…
    hang in there…:)

    lots of hugs,
    zaica

    August 1, 2014 at 11:34 am #62410
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    Aww Zaica many blessings to you, thank you for stopping by and checking in. It’s great to feel your words; you emanate a much lighter and happier Zaica :). As for me, things are good, could be better but grateful for what is. I have to admit I do miss my ex, our son is identical to him and those eyes they have are just amazing. I think about him every day and just send him love wherever he may be ♥

    August 2, 2014 at 6:24 am #62447
    zaica
    Participant

    hi..:).. a little bit more okay now… had a serious talk with my hubby and reached a compromise.. i asked him to wait for me to have a job..he agreed.. after that we will save for our future… one thing we didnt do before getting married… then start over again..:)… im hoping for the best… i still havent told my family yet though.. i plan to tell them once i already have a job.. so they’ll also see that i can already stand on my own, that ill be ok now..
    yeah.. ive been like that with my first love for some time, missing everything about him……. thankfully i got over it already..:)… before i scorned the saying “time heals all wounds”,but now,i got to admit that it’s true..:).. eventually everything pass us by..:).. i even could no longer remember when i ceased on longing for him.. matt is right.. sometimes we tend to see a guy as our prince charming when in reality he isn’t…
    but you know what sat nam?.. it matters not. what others think about… no offense intended…:)…what matters is you.. how best do you know can you cope with the pain… it’s all upto you… nikki is right.. give yourself time.. people who cares about you would understand… recover at your own pace…
    lots of hugs,
    zaica..:)

    August 4, 2014 at 8:47 am #62583
    Sat Nam
    Participant

    I am glad to read this Zaica, many blessings to you and your husband, life sometimes separates us to bring us back closer than ever. Now you are in a better place to start over and so is he. People can say a million things about the right time to dwell, the right time to laugh, etc. but as you say only I know what feels right to me. I have no clue when the “longing will cease” but what I do know is I’m not going to run away from my feelings but rather endure them with full awareness. Only then can I really heal. Thank you Zaica for your words and support, knowing you and your husband are working things out leaves me with a smile 🙂

    August 9, 2014 at 4:58 am #62924
    zaica
    Participant

    hi Sat Nam…:)
    i dont know why but i feel comfortable to open up to you than with anybody in my life right now…and i hope u wont get irritated with me who keeps on cropping up in your blog.. a friend of mine keeps budgering me on the latest in my life, but i dont feel like telling her yet.. im wondering why..so here goes… on my other blog, i think it was Anonymous who told me to figure out to do what i want and learn how to ask for it..well , i did exactly that with my family.. well just a little bit of what i want.. you see i want to work again, by doing that i have to leave my son for a while on their care.. i trust them completely.. my son is treated as a prince here actually.. tsktsk..grandparents really spoil kids..:).. since i have to start from scratch with my new job..(hopefully)..my board and lodging and all that.. and since i still couldn’t afford a babysitter on my own for now.. my parents especially my mom just wanted me to promise that i wont go back to my husband immediately once i start working there, coz my workplace will be near him but far from family…she said she’ll let me borrow money so i could start with my new job..but i have to promise her that i wont get back with my husband.. i felt a bit guilty.. so i stated half truths.. well actually it’s really true that i have my misgivings right now.. coz my husband could only afford a house near his family right now.. but he promised its just a temporary arrangement.. he asked me to stay there with him for just a year.. then by that time he can already afford to get a place for our own.. that time it will already be away from everybody else.. here in our place, its so hard to have a home. especially in the city, so you really have to save first and rent for a while.. that place near them we wont be renting coz its his father’s apartment.. we just have to take care of the bills… so you see, its really a practical choice..although dont know how ill face my inlaws again…
    im just bothered with what my own family would react if the time will come that i have to tell them the truth.. that i still want my husband…im scared of hurtng them further, after everything that they have done for me..

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