Dear Worldofthewaterwheels:

You wrote yesterday (I am adding the boldface feature selectively for emphasis): “It’s been a while and I’ve been seeing a therapist… The therapist is talking about the emotional child state and the rational adult state… I think she feels I’m trapped still in my early adolescent child state…  often find myself feeling attacked by others, I guess I come across as too soft with others but it’s not in fact how I am“-

-Like your therapist, I also think that you are trapped in an emotional child state, that of the child and adolescent that you were, when being too soft was your way to.. get along with your mother. It was not that you were born to be too soft/ weak; it was an adjustment to living with your mother.

Your father made the same adjustment as a child, and was already adjusted in this way when he married your mother: “my mom was always at the top and my dad often seems incredibly weak… being very apologetic“-

– your mother was at the top, strong/ dominant; your father took the bottom position: too soft, submissive, incredibly weak.

You wrote in regard to your family of origin: “We basically learnt…that bullies always win“- the bully, as I see it, is your mother. Your father adjusted to her before meeting her (he had practice). You adjusted to her after entering the world through her..

“My sister… has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill“- are you referring to the skill of bullying.. of being at the top?

The key to healthy, successful relationships is it being a Win-Win dynamic, both sides win, no one is at the bottom (the loser) while the other is at the top (the winner).

Back to your yesterday’s post: “Therapist and family both saying just take your time and be kind to yourself. I just find that really hard… I cant let go of the need, the feeling I need, to achieve things.. to compete and do well compared to others“-

– maybe you think that the only way for you to get up from under, to be at the top, to win, is to achieve things professionally and financially, to compete with others in these areas, and be at the top compared to them. But no: there are plenty of people who achieved professionally/ financially (your father is an example, isn’t he?) who remain at the bottom.

You can come up to the top today, a bit, and tomorrow some more- but not in comparison to others (that’s not the real top). It is a matter of attitude and everyday practice. Something you can discuss with your therapist?

anita

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels,

I am glad to hear more about your story. I am really sorry you are suffering so much and I totally understand it is very hard, with you being very sensitive to any setback and feeling like you are only getting bad luck all the time. You’ve mentioned that you might be suffering from PTSD, as a result of bullying (online and at your workplace):

I feel im going crazy sometimes by the way im so sensitive and reactive to things. I know it could be any combination of things, including depression, anxiety, PTSD from being hacked and persecuted online, bullied by my workplace and overhauling my problems with family or lack thereof.

I believe that you do indeed suffer from PTSD, but in fact Complex PTSD (C-PTSD), which is another name for childhood trauma. Almost every adult who has been emotionally abused or neglected as a child, and hasn’t healed, suffers from C-PTSD, and I am one of them too.

You once mentioned you feel chemically different than other people, and in a way, that’s true. People with C-PTSD have a dysregulated nervous system. They feel constantly on edge, in the fight-or-flight mode. They feel in danger, needing to defend themselves (fight) or run away (flight) all the time. They also feel hypervigilant and sensitive to any negative outer signal. You said that about yourself too:

My sensitivity is therefore, really high right now. i just dont want to lose any more, experience any more negativity.

I cant cope with any bad news. To escape it i go out and buy little things that add up to a lot, drink too much.

I can’t handle any small problem. My mind races with negative thoughts, i get exhausted..i get nothing done. I feel more angry with myself.

i walk around with fear, worrying about anything done wrong and its a catastrophe in my head.

i feel like ive been beaten up mentally.

All these are signs of C-PTSD. The good news is that there is cure for it. A big part of it is learning to find a sense of safety in your own body, and thus calming down your nervous system, so that it’s not on high alert all the time. We can talk about it more and I can give you some resources, if you’re interested.

But I’d like to explain why I think you got C-PTSD in the first place. I think it’s related to your mother and her being a covert narcissist, and the effects it had on you. Here is what you said about your childhood:

When i was a kid i remember i was the one helping everyone else process their emotions, trying to empathize with others was my thing. My friends were all oddbeat and sensitive in one way or another and i loved that. I never felt popular and i never felt on top of things. And i felt guilty if i ever had more, if someone was left out.

There were times when i dumbed myself down, wore baggier clothes, i didnt speak up.

In my experiences…when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me.

I was a good child, did as i was told, my sister more rebellious so i guess i felt the need to be responsible. … But i had nothing to push against something i guess that leaves you wondering if you re doing the right thing..if no one says anything. I didnt get disapproval but the comparison to others was definitely present.

You didn’t get disapproval, but you didn’t get approval and encouragement either. Your mother would go silent if you achieved something good, right? You said “when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy.”

You also said: when i really did well, there was always someone in the crowd visibly unhappy and it would bother me”

I can imagine that it was actually your mother who was unhappy when you did well. Because she would get distant and silent and looked unhappy, wouldn’t she?

You said she was very good at victimizing herself too, making other people feel sorry for her. So I can imagine how you didn’t want to “brag” about any of your achievements, because that would make her sad and distant, and possibly go into a self-pitying mode. And it would make you feel guilty.

That’s why it was better for you to dumb yourself down, wear baggy clothes, not really talk about your successes. Because there was always someone (your mother) waiting to take away your joy and make you feel guilty about being successful.

When you say you could never “get on top of things”, it seems to me that you could never claim your victory and be proud of your successes – because she would always take it away from you. She did it with her hidden (covert) jealousy and her self-pitying. This is what covert narcissists do to their children. I wonder if this is what your mother did too?

If so, I can see how you were not allowed to be successful, you felt guilty for it. And of course, you felt angry about it too, rightfully so. Because you had to suppress yourself and your achievements. And you still feel that same anger, and want to prove yourself, because you were never allowed to prove yourself as a child.

How does this sound to you?

Dear Worldofthewaterwheels,

you are welcome!

I feel when i write this stuff down i need a couple of days to come back and deal with it. Its like this endless flow of emotional stuff that doesnt seem to end.

Sure, take your time. I understand it’s not easy to write it all down and feel the weight of it… so please, take it easy.

I think the bit about C-PTSD is very interesting, the concept that you don´t feel safe or feeling like you need to be a “warrior” to the outside world is pretty familiar.

I am glad it resonates with you. Learning about C-PTSD helped me too to understand myself better and how the sense of safety is key. And with childhood trauma, we don’t have that sense of safety (either physical or emotional or both). We feel constantly in danger, and then as a reaction, we either fight or flee.

Even trying to identify my mom as a source of this issue is still hard for me. She said only yesterday that i should try EMDR therapy and had my therapist suggested it? my therapist has really only suggested i join groups, classes and get out more.

I understand it’s hard for you. But actually, her trying to be “helpful” when you are down isn’t anything new, right? You said that when you complain, she always gives you advice, but also tends to dismiss the severity of your problem, or starts talking about some minor stuff of her own. As far as I understood, she is good at giving advice without empathy.

And then when you are doing fine, she “goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy.”

So the dynamic seems to be like this: as long as you are down, miserable and unhappy, she seems helpful. But as soon as you are up, “on top of things” and proud of your achievements, she is unhappy.

This is how I would explain it: when you are unhappy and miserable, she is not endangered by you because she gets to stay on top. But when you are successful, she does feel endangered, and she doesn’t like it. That’s when she punishes you by withdrawing her love and support.

I think the problem is that i cant complain, cant argue with friends for fear of losing them..but will anyway. If you cant be honest with each other then where is the reality.

But others..they dont stick around. Maybe they are too busy themselves or maybe its because nothing ever seems to get better for me and its painful to watch? i notice that sometimes i have to fill silence with talk because they are not saying anything, or worse, looking over my shoulder…so i have to conclude that im not much fun to be around.

I think you might be right that when you complain a lot, it may become too much of a burden for your friends. I assume they (at least some of them) want the best for you, they would like you to be happy. But they don’t know how to help, and so they distance themselves a bit. Would you say that’s true?

i feel a lot of shame for not having a career. Shame! another factor that i dont really need right now.

Yes, shame is another component of C-PTSD. No wonder you feel shame, if you have been compared to others a lot.  You were in a difficult situation, because on one hand, your mother was jealous of you and didn’t like you to achieve. But it was never openly expressed – it was covert. What she did express openly was comparing you to others and making you feel worse than them. But if you were better than them (or equally good as them), she wouldn’t be happy… so it seems to me like “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation.

Problem is, i know im stronger… maybe IM the covert narc or able to emulate one.

No, dear World (I’d much prefer to call you World, if that’s okay with you? Because you are much bigger and expansive than what you believe!), you are not a covert narcissist.  If you were, you wouldn’t have shame about yourself and you wouldn’t think of yourself as a dork who messes up everything.

So please, don’t think of yourself as a narcissist.  You only want your power back – power that you had to relinquish to please your mother…

Exactly a month later, May 1, Worldofthewaterwheels, I ask: how are you?

anita