Hi Anita,

Like you say, sometimes i need to vent when things are dramatic or just too much. I dont know what it is..do i complain too much, if i do, how do i handle the difficulties. I had a really tough August.  Other people have partners to talk to, people to confide in, i dont have anyone. I think my home situation is also harder because my dog is a really difficult situation, she needs 4x walks a day and constant entertainment or she goes crazy and chews everything..on top of my day job and side job its almost too much i have to try and stay on top of it all. Ive torn myself apart thinking of giving her up, she´s all i have. It just feels too hard.

Ive no idea what my mother has issues with out of the blue..i really dont…i even thought that maybe this is the beginning of dementia. A client of mine has been dealing with his wife in that situation and told me she gets very aggressive and accusatory. But it just hurts all the same, all the accusations, it reminded me of my ex…who did something very similar on a regular basis. I used to cry a lot, i dont cry at all now. Call it a safeguard not having anyone. But i saw the comparisons then between the two people, now im frightened to meet anyone new, what if they are like them? What if i can only be attracted to someone that cruel? I can´t wish hell on my mother, but i believe in karma taking its toll, i believe it will for those who cause pain.

Meanwhile and unfortunately i have a father who is very weak and will not stand up to my mother. When any conflict arose he would take her side, no matter what. We talked about therapy some years ago when she had a serious depression about her health and he did nothing. He wont go against her wishes, its a very twisted relationship and impossible to change.

My older sister, with who i have a strained relationship.. is at a safe distance in the states with her family of 3 and she keeps a very close eye on my mom, calling every day with messages. She continues to tell our parents that she wants to buy a house where we live (a second home). And has repeatedly pushed for over 10 years for money to get this.  She had a chance to move over where we are but instead met her partner, had a kid, opened a business and they are doing well. But she always wants a lot more and i think she worked out that at a distance, she can manipulate better. I always thought we had a good relationship, but since she had a child, she changed a lot and now she is overbearing to the point of obnoxious, correcting me on things in conversation, being competitive etc.

We fell out last year because she always abuses us when she stays, never has money (despite saying she is doing great) and always borrows clothes then leaves them in a mess when she goes. I think its meant to be some signal of her feelings from the past, she never talks about her feelings but i dont care anymore, its disrespectful. Now she doesnt speak to me but still tells our parents she plans to buy something here. Im not sure why she would want to be near except for the idea she might have control of any inheritance (which wont be much). i reached a limit with her behaviour, especially since she is now a mom.  I was always the one in the family, to smooth things, to take the high road. But now im waiting for her better nature ( for over a year).  To be honest..i feel my sister always resented me, she is the older child but has always felt the grass was greener for someone/anyone else, she has had a nice life.

I just feel so bitter and angry. All of these assholes giving me grief when i have always been there for them! my own family and also friends. There is something i have to change. Im tired of hearing that its the moon, or that people are just funny…NO! some people are just plain awful.. and think that you are never going to say anything or change. Im tired of people taking me for granted.

Hi Anita,

Another really awful day today, again, out of the blue. Why is this happening?

we had an office zoom meeting in the morning..it was hard to get motivated for it as its the end of summer so we are really feeling it, people have been so demanding this year. The young girl who replaced me in my old job has been working less than 6 months, she has been leading our weekly office meetings (when i did it i was interrupted, disagreed with and talked down to! by colleagues AND boss) but this girl is more street and local and she gets less stress than i did. Somewhere in the middle of the meeting she started to ask what to do about giving clients to….me (name) as though i was not right there? because, she explained, she thought some clients talk really fast (in her native language)..and maybe they would not want to work with me….there was a silence. She seemed to suggest i couldn´t handle the enquiries because of the language barrier (im not greatly fluent sometimes i struggle and as for help) but it came across as really racist to me. She is young and full of confidence, perhaps she thought she could single me out, being the only foreigner and everyone would agree with her authority? My boss as usual said nothing but looked sulky.By the way, we have to be able to speak english too..i hardly hear her speak it, she doesnt say much…so i guess she is not that fluent but wouldnt you know it, no one cares about that.

I found myself, yet again, after 7 years experience, defending my position and my work, which is proven with receipts. The large majority of our clients speak other languages and communicate in English but this is an issue of national pride that has always been a nerve. I laughed and said then we should then count the clients whose language i can speak as mine (i speak 3 languages more or less fluently) Once again it was ME who had to stand up and defend herself for standing out physically and culturally.

Later after the meeting i asked why this issue was raised and she said it was her idea and then got passive aggressive saying i took it the wrong way. Then she apologised. Two colleagues came to my defense and the rest stared blankly and said nothing. The whole time during our meeting i also received an irate call from a client 2x and this lost me a listing because a colleague had been sloppy.

I was so angry and upset that i couldnt even see my screen straight, i had to keep working through my frustration and anger.

Throughout this summer i have worked SO hard that sometimes i cry at the end of the day, i wish i was joking. I have developed chronic back and arm pains from desk work, when i have a minute, i take my dog for the walks she needs so often or i eat at my computer while working.

I have no one to help, i just have to do it.

How do i get out of this black hole? I cant work this hard for ever because i know it would kill me, i already feel suicidal from this pace, from the miserable feelings i have. I feel trapped because i literally cant seem to make enough although i have 2 jobs. Younger generations are so much smarter, they know more…i just feel tired and beaten. We are getting a new colleague we are told, i saw her, she is very young so will have plenty of energy..instead of help and support, we are threatened with losing our jobs.

I dont know what to do…i need someone to recognize that what happened was wrong! i feel everyone looks the other way.

Hi Anita, I know what you are saying…ive looked for other jobs but they seem to be similar, . I seriously looked at another company about 6 months ago but it was just too much of a risk at the time to make the move. I just wasnt sure id make any money because of Covid.

But i know have to leave this job because my boss doesnt respect anything i do and honestly seems either jealous or angry with me for i dont know what.

Ive already been on sick leave before this and that was when i applied for the other job. The main problem for me is the language barrier, i can get by but im not as fluent as people demand..truth is, others will attest, when you live in a foreign country, they will never find your language good enough, its a matter of pride to find some fault. There is another foreign language i speak fluently but im still not accepted there either! However everyone thinks they can speak english, even when they cant.

Ive had previous experience of workplace bullying by my boss, so now of course i assume its all me, my fault. I think back then it started because i never objected but tried to do everything. i always said no problem, my workload increased and increased..eventually i was struggling, i asked for help and my boss told me no, repeatedly. i suffered a mental breakdown and was on sick leave for almost a year..my boss suffered a stroke and i think its likely he blamed me, he probably thought i would make a lawsuit but i was too sick for a long time. We had been going through a huge double audit, i was given a lot of extra work, unpaid, because he had fired an assistant we had. It was unfair on me but no one cared, i was part of a machine and i was a young woman. I emerged from the smoke with shattered self esteem and no chance to go further, i was given a job in a quiet corner out of harms way, people looked at me strangely and kept away. At the time i knew that part of my road to success was over. The job i was given was unfulfilling and eventually i quit when i couldnt stand any more, unfortunately it was right in the downturn of the economy and i ended up spending 2 years on employment benefits applying and never finding anything. I developed an anxiety about not having a job, understandably. I stayed in a depression but was lucky enough to find free therapy where i lived.

As a result of my past experiences, giving up my job is a scary prospect because i never got the self esteem back, i feel people dont really want me or respect me. When i have complained to my parents that i cant keep going on they are anxious that i dont quit more than anything else. So then i feel guilty and just keep going.

Today was a truly awful day, clients complaining left and right, somehow all involving me in some way but not my fault…and then the meeting as well. its so frustrating when i am doing my best to meet everyone elses needs.  It could be the moon and mercury retrograde for sure. But i just wish whatever it is would stop beating me up as it seems to target me every time.

If i could, i would leave straight away but i honestly dont know what to do, i dont have any savings..the life here sucks it up fast mainly because i live alone, it costs more. I could try and get a room mate. Other than that the only thing i could do would be to sell my apartment.

I want, for my colleagues to say something about this treatment. Its not right. I want my boss to realise her double standards. Just before i go, i want to make a really big sale…so that i can show them im good at what i do. I keep trying but it just happens to someone else instead. Im always struggling.

Hi Anita,

Im rewriting a lot again. I dont want to complain so much, i want to learn to be better.

The trouble with what matters: of course it matters. We ALL want our family to be a cohesive unit. None of us set out to have relatives who wont talk. My ex used to tell me about a feud he had with his sister, she had taken her part of the inheritance and the others sold their part to her (their fathers house) on the premise she would not sell it, but she did. My ex had not seen or spoken to her in years. These things cut so deep.

My parents have always been close to me and yet, at the same time, my mother IS a narcissist. She does manipulate and make problems for us. She is currently not talking to me for an unknown reason. Its hurtful, its cruel and a mother should take the high road but my mom was never much like others..my sister and her did not get on when younger. Now, at a huge distance from each other, they message every day but in person, there are always sparks.

I would love to be able to tell everyone to F off, but that would not be very mature. There´s long term damage at this point in your life, you can do that when you are young. Everything in my life has been absolutely reverse of what is normal!

Hi Anita, The idea sounds great. But in the greater scheme of things, i get no relief or results from being outgoing. My mother told me she walked out of two jobs for her pride..she had a husband by then so i guess she thought she could afford to stick her finger up in those days. If i did that today there would be no immediate sense of revenge and victory but more a sense of panic.

Hope there are other people out there who feel the same as sometimes i think im the only one working this hard and having such a hard time. I honestly today felt like really there must be something karmic about the amount of crap coming my  way. While my most fortunate colleague gets another sale, i am struggling to get anywhere and with angry clients left and right. Its unreal.

And when things get SO unreal, i start to think that someone is sabotaging me in my work. Is that probable? Im just feeling very anxious about being watched and manipulated as things come up so regularly it cant be coincidence. But if that is true, what is their problem with me? am i being punished for some racial reason, some nationalistic reason? Im really tired right now, worked through the whole weekend like the last two..this is really getting to me.

Hi Anita. Today im running on adrenalin for sure.

Ive worked since i woke up and was on the phone non stop until it burned hot and lost battery. My email account was full and rejecting emails…I had to use a second account. Basically my computer or phone can´t keep up the pace. One client was on the phone 2 hours so lunch had to wait. Most of our clients dont have much else to do with their time, they are bored…so they pester us with demands and if we dont respond quickly they lose it.

Im sort of hanging on. I dont know how. Because i cant believe that this is how life is supposed to be, working till your head spins (another colleague said on the phone to me today) we are overworked then it can go completely dead…so everyone says its great its so busy..but its really unhealthy! If i was boss, i would try to find a way in which we can share the income. When i used to run the office, i kept trying to promote a team basis of support but when it came down to it, that was just me helping everyone else. The girl who does my old job now, leaves at 6 on the dot. I think maybe people think im a fool but i would prefer to work in a happy atmosphere, making less, than an aggressive environment making more. Goes to show im not a true salesman.

I feel somehow that im still in the middle of this weird cosmic energy but coming out the other side..I just dont want it to ever happen again. You know the feeling, like you are running through a tunnel of people hitting you either side. Its too much. Ive no idea if i did something in a former life, born under a dark star or just plain unlucky but these things tend to follow me more than most i think.

Hi Anita,

What you are saying in the previous message..i can see you are bored by my story. I certainly dont blame you. Who the hell am i and what is the incentive to help someone like me.