Hi Anita,  I dont understand life, i dont get it. Im older now, i should have the opportunity to give support and guidance to younger people because ive made it. like my parents (except not like them) just to have the opportunity to say, here is what is going to happen! I think i always thought, if i just work harder, if i just put more effort in it will pay off. If im just nice and patient and believe that everything good happens to all of us and sometimes there are bad times, if i try harder, if i just try to squeeze myself into a certain personality maybe the guy wont leave, maybe the boss will treat me with respect, maybe the colleague wont be jealous. My dad raised me to not rock the boat, to keep my head down…it doesnt work, the jerks are out there laughing always.

Lately, ive put so many hours in that i cant do more…its like the wolves are circling and salivating, its crazy right now. Im not the kind of person to react my emotions but im suffering for it..people just being abusive.

For example: Im overrun with multiple clients, on top of that we are expected to bring in listings for new properties but there is no time, also to manage the sales process which can be over months. One client ive been helping has been SO much work that i honestly think my brain is being picked so that they can start their own business…at the same time i cant say that for sure but they wont make a decision, they want certainty in THEIR decision from me and i cant give it. Its stupid. Ive spent almost a month working with him, he brings a friend along and she scrutinizes everything i say, they ask me questions about my life, she was even leaning over my shoulder to see what i was texting on my phone during a visit, non of her business!!

Another is an owner of a house, i am responsible for their contract which i fought hard to get but they are very arrogant, i warned my colleagues to be quick with feedback, seeing what kind of people they were and unfortunately one agent upset them so much that they called me and yelled down the phone that not only my colleague but I was unprofessional and that i had ALSO not been working well with them and they had had enough. They spoke to our manager who i was not able to warn in time because she would not answer her phone. After they finished yelling at everyone…i got a call some days later, much calmer and subdued asking to work with us again, but ONLY with me.  In other words, i now have to be available to take clients of my colleagues. This means i will still be the punching bag and my colleagues now dont want to send clients there in case i get paid something.

So, my small wins.

My gratitude today…if that is all there is for me in the world, was that an associate we work with a lot, “sort of” stood up for me today when i was chewed out by the latest angry, arrogant and greedy client who was “unhappy with the service”, he was furious almost out of nowhere…and i smell an unjustified complaint in order not to pay us..People are real slimebags that way.  Im supposed to be on holiday now but that doesnt matter.

We were standing with the client and he was complaining. The associate said to me not to leave just yet then said to me in her language (which the client cant understand) that he was an A** and that she had so many difficulties with him, that it was almost over and repeated i was NOT to worry about what he was saying. Maybe she could tell i was worked half to death and couldnt take more. He stood to the side of us and i could tell he realised she was on my side. On the other hand, when speaking to him she didnt defend me, she just said the issues were not a problem. To me she said basically she had enough of him too and not to worry about it.

When people are kind like this its such a shock.

What is interesting about this person is that many years ago, i had made an amazing sale, possibly the highest our agency has made in the last 6 years, and just as the contracts were signed and everything was certain and i of course worked my ass off as everyone sulked and looked jealous..my boss decided to give this associate a bit more money, which meant i had to receive less.  This was local politics or whatever, this woman asked and my boss agreed. I never forgot that, after that point my view of my boss changed, at that point i knew, i was part of the hamster wheel not a wonderful colleague.

Today, as i felt weak and defeated and grateful this woman had said these things, all i could think about was, that this was a payout for that previous damage…..

But yeah, small handouts of sympathy…do they lead to happy ever after? or just cover the wounds.

Speaking of laughing jerks..while i wrote this, some of my esteemed colleagues were on whatsapp making veiled comments about my friends´success. It was obvious they were jealous and making little stabs at her, she reacted..not too strongly but made it known their comments were weird…its this kind of lack of support, lack of team and mean little comments that we both hate. The others are much more typical sales people…like men in a lockerroom (one is a woman). This by the way was way after working hours. Our boss´reaction? to say that we can expect adverse people in our environment and to keep believing in ourselves. While thats really a nice thought…if you SEE and HEAR bullying in your office, how would you deal with it? i think i would deal with it directly.

Hi Anita,

Im still just totally exhausted, to the point where i become really wired and cant relax. Lucky me i can still sleep. The work i have at the moment is intense and demands a lot but i dont seem to get anywhere.. it feels im shooting laser beams on Mars and others are staring with their mouth open and a cigarette hanging from their lips. I can say ive done my best with this year but its definitely trying to kill me.

And when you are really struggling, as a single person, at a time like this you need support. Luckily i have some friends around if i need them but family are still not talking to me and i have no idea why? except that my mom told me I am selfish, which came out of the blue. If i complain to her when im worn out because i have two jobs she says im lucky because i live alone and dont have to check decisions with someone else…my attention is drawn to my poor sister (making a lot of money with a family) or the family friend but my tough situation is never validated with her. And if something is wrong why would they not SAY SO!?. Sometimes i wonder what they expect is going to happen,  will i get over their comments and come crawling back to them so that they dont have to apologise at all? just forget it? or explode from how miserable they are. Am i being unfair? I keep wondering what it was that i did. or if they are actually sick? am i? I certainly can´t read minds but i can feel damaged by their actions.

I have clients  in my working life who demand and yell at me, everyone gets what they wants but are very angry about it all the way through (from stress)….recently one actually apologised and i was a little surprised, we dont get apologies very often.

I just feel angry at the way im treated and yet i have no idea how to fix it. Things dont seem to improve but just drag out, on and on.

Should i reach out to my parents, to my sister?

Hi Anita,

Yesterday i accidentally locked myself out and had to call my dad to use their spare key to get back in, luckily they were not out and he could help as i had just stepped out to pick something up from a friend. Ive done this by accident before, it happens when of course i´m distracted and stressed, doing too many things at once. My dad was not impressed but not surprised. He doesnt shout, its just a kind of “we know you are flaky” kind of disapproval. He then said they should spend less time with me…if you recall i have had no contact with my parents for about a month, since my mom had a tantrum and got mad at me. She was maybe feeling left out or bored or who knows. And i was complaining a lot about my work which was very intense this year. I have trouble managing workload as i tend to lean in and don´t ever quit. But this year it was a lot, mental and physical. But my mom doesnt understand…i cant just quit my job as she says and “do something else” when i have nowhere to go. I dont make a lot extra each month to support that.

After my dad let me in and i got on with the many appointments but afterwards i felt really sad and lonely..abandoned. Just like my ex, just like some friends i have had. They prefer to make me feel bad it seems. After all you dont expect getting older, that your own family will turn out like this, especially when you are patient with their moments..but my parents, they have each other. I have noone. I felt ashamed of their behaviour. Angry. depressed and totally lost.

I feel like im just this natural victim, the person that others hit.. even my own parents! its sometimes hard to believe this.

My sister has not reached out at all but likely is that she also feels hurt and somehow its all my fault.

Its enfuriating that other people can get away with this ugly behaviour and blame it all on me. I feel there is just no love left there and thats shocking. But its also as though, all those years..i overlooked behaviours that were perhaps more malicious and that i ignored that because to see the truth would have been really awful. Could that really be the case? my sister resents me and so does my mom? are they really that cold?

I thought about what i can do in future to avoid calling them for help..ill get a keysafe. Living alone, its not uncommon i imagine, to get locked out. It never happens to my parents because they have each others key.

My life is completely absorbed by work. My hours are insane. But you might say i do this to myself. I want to get everything done, if i left it to regular hours, i swear that half my clients would go unanswered. Ive asked that we get help with this but its not happening. I see that the girl who took my old role (permanently in the office) has all new equipment..whereas i had to make do with saving money, she has immediately been given a lot more. Again, i feel a victim. And i work more now..to cover up the fact that there is no “life” to enjoy. if only i can make that bit more money, ill be OK.

I wish i knew how to turn this “fate” around, this victimization? or mentality that i have grown into. I think ive always lived in a dreamlike state..thinking this was preferable to being totally present and entertained by what is around me..i dont live like that. Ive got what i think is a fairly creative and free mind. I dont get a rise out of making jokes of other people because i immediately think of the consequences, i dont wait for life to provide me with the input i need because i can make it up myself.  Generally speaking, i can entertain myself or at least keep busy. I see that generally, most people are the kind that need input all the time, and when they dont, they just switch off, nothing going on inside. Somewhere out there are people like me, i just never found many of them. crushed under the weight of the importance of others.

I feel like im just angry and frustrated at this situation..with my family, with feeling that life has gotten the better of me. I cant seem to think of what to do, to get out of the work i dont enjoy…to make a living for myself and be more in control of my income…sounds stupid. I just maybe am scared to try. But no surprise, since when i try, ive been knocked down so much.

Ive not been watching the tarot readings as much as i used to..mainly because none of what they say runs true anymore..mr right isnt coming, something is not going to magically happen when im working with no time free. Ive not made big money, it disappears just as fast and im realising now..i cant work any harder and i dont seem to be able to work smarter. I just feel i wish someone could help but maybe thats just not possible.

Im worried about where life is taking me. these things that happen on a day by day basis..it doesnt get better even when people try to help. Today i got some good work news and it was a boost for a bit, i did well lately, or at least i tried. But its a hollow kind of victory. I think ive achieved what i wanted to in this job and this place. I wanted some respect, i wanted people to notice my ability and i wanted to be recognized for the hard work i put in….its apparent but not obvious to me that i achieved that. recently i was invited to meet with a lawyer because i have a lot of work with them….it has taken years for them to acknowledge me, damn, i got a smile. I walked out that office feeling like i had made it, im sure it sounds ridiculous. Ive been here for 11 years,  respect is hard won, especially as a foreigner. I kept my head down.

However, i am not the one in control of the work i do. Ive certainly outgrown it but because of the difficulty to make money i am unable to move on. isnt that Fd up?. One of my clients told me recently, his granddaughter made x amount of money..its something like 4x what i make..she is about 10 years younger. Nothing i can do about it, just that i was always in the wrong place, the wrong time.

“If those interactions are a Lose for you- quit interacting with them.” i dont know what a win looks like! My interactions are with people who are struggling like me. If i suddenly did well guess what would happen….id be alone. Im alone now but id be even more alone. Something is clearly wrong with me, something unfixable that makes me an outcast. i feel that.

Today i felt so sick with work stress..i took my dog to go walk somewhere but she is highly strung unfortunately and its hard to manage her..i went to a calm area hoping it would be quiet but this year its still full of tourists..its october!! when i let my dog off she shot off and i spent about 45min getting her back. Everyone else´s dog was close by them, easygoing…no problem. laid back…my dog was hunting birds at top speed and running all over the place like a crazy thing..its just so typical that this is the dog i ended up with. All i wanted was to relax a bit but instead i got even more stressed out trying to wait for her to calm down to catch her. Its not fair but i am just trapped in this life. I dont attract friendly people thats for sure..no one wants to know me, they feel sorry for me, they think im a loser.  I dont need to question this, i hear their comments as they pass me. I guess thats because im not with a man..that would be safer and more comfortable right? A single woman is a threat, a woman with a dog or cat is just sad. so here i am now, ive reached the middle of the lifecycle and my conclusion of humanity is that people are judgemental and mean and frightened. Who is going to challenge that i wonder? is someone interesting finally going to walk past and give me a reason to hope there is more to this.

Hi Anita,

Thanks again for sorting through these thoughts and feelings. Lately im feeling really rough about it and like you say, it becomes physical, this hurt, its damaging. Unfortunately my workplace colleagues are the source right now and there is something every time i have contact with them.

Im becoming aware…that my time is running out on a personal level if i dont look for a partner for instance, if i dont take action about meeting friends, my mind will just switch off and lose interest. But with experiences like mine, its such a minefield. I just feel like men are out to get you, like other women eventually all turn jealous and  everything just goes sour. I want healthy relationships but it seems like im asking for the moon.

I understand too that most people chose to suffer in order to have something in life. I stayed with my ex much longer than i should because i didnt want to lose the physical contact, i didnt want to lose the fun stuff, the benefit of being with him..i suffered the regular mental abuse and some physical..his strange moments of anger, i suffered crying regularly. That doesnt happen anymore. The good side is that i dont need to compromise what i do, i get to choose, no longer being bored to death doing what he wanted, no longer being told i was bad at something or suffering the misery of other women flirting openly in front of me and him chiding me for complaining about it. And the bad side meaning..i havent been on a holiday in about 3 or 4 years because i needed his help to finance that, Never going out for dinner, less fun and more work. The most annoying thing to me about being single is that i seem to attract a lot of comments from people i dont know…neighbours and just random people commenting about my life that i notice when i go out alone.

I worry that if i try to meet someone, i dont have really all that much to offer..no amazing social circle of happy people, no kids and no fun career. Same goes for making friends. I meet people id like to be friends with and they dont seem that interested to do anything with me. So in the end, i just return to what is safe and comfortable and less traumatic..

Someone asked me today what i dreamed of doing and i just couldnt think of it. I have feelings about what i like..im driven, hardworking , i like to make money…but passions? i feel a bit lost in the money making process…