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March 16, 2021 at 2:04 pm #376179
LilyParticipantDear anita,
how was your walk?
Today was a more slow day for me. At least I almost finished the illustration, only have to glue it together. My progress is slow, but at least I am making some…
Yes, it is o.K. to feel whatever one feels. At the moment I am feeling quite lonely. I am pretty good at being alone, but even for me, it can become too much!
Tomorrow I will continue to work on project C. Maybe I will also bake a cheesecake.
March 16, 2021 at 2:28 pm #376186
AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
Another Accountable Day! My walk was fine, there is a lot of logging/ trees being cut down, in part of the road on which I walk, so the road is much wider, it is strange: it feels safer in that there is less of a chance of trees or part-trees falling on me as I walk, and also, it feels safer knowing that wild animals like bears or cougars are less likely to cross a wider road than a narrow road, and yet, at the same time, I know there is a loss of nature when trees are logged.
You wrote that you are pretty good at being alone, but being alone can become too much- I know what you mean: we are after all social creatures by birth, we are born to socialize, it’s in our genes.
P.S., Cheese cake is my favorite, one of two favorites: rich chocolate moist cakes and cheese cakes!
anita
March 17, 2021 at 2:07 pm #376223LilyParticipantDear anita,
I can relate to the strange feeling when trees are logged. It is always sad to see the destruction. I prefer if everything is growing relatively wild. Where I live there are also not too many dangerous animals. Maybe wild boars, but I have never encountered them in nature. Or wolves, they have been reintroduced in recent years, but I have also never seen any. I wonder what it is like, living with the possibility of meeting a bear or cougar? Must be a scary feeling!
About loneliness: in the past, I thought I was destined to be alone. And I often avoided people, thinking they wouldn’t like me anyway. But now I am learning that I am missing something, that I actually like human connection! But I still have to learn a lot when it comes to social competencies.
My day was so so. The good thing is that I spent the afternoon mostly without the internet, which made my head feel so much better. And I finished my illustration.
In the end, I didn’t bake the cake. I had forgotten an ingredient. But I will do this in the coming days. I also like cheesecakes. Chocolate is also good and cakes with strawberries or poppyseeds. Baking is so nice and cozy!
Tomorrow I want to work for uni, making sketches for a new illustration for project C. And I will start the morning offline!!
March 17, 2021 at 2:21 pm #376224AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
Another Accountable day, one month and ten days of Accountability!
A neighbor took a video of a cougar right outside the house, and I’ve seen photos of cougars along the walk.. and I saw cougar prints in the snow, and tree trunks scratched by cougars, so yes, cougars are here. There is something about the face of a cougar and their unmistaken predatory look that scares me. On the other hand, I encountered a brown bear (cinnamon color) on the back deck and was not scared, probably because of all those cartoons showing harmless bears, and cuddly stuffed toy bears.
Poppy seeds- delicious on bagels and sweetened in pastries.
Offline feels good to you- I hope you continue to stay offline. Good to read that you like human connection. I do too.
Till tomorrow!
anita
March 18, 2021 at 1:38 pm #376265LilyParticipantDear anita,
hm, the accountability thread is more than one month old. Often I don’t get so much done. I wish that I would take the goals I set for myself more seriously. But the good thing is, my mood has improved a lot since the beginning of the thread. Now I am ruminating less, feeling less like a horrible person… The anxiety feeling has lessened on most days and I am back to my normal self again, feeling calmer. Also, I finished project A, something I wasn’t able to do for a long time. Project B is also almost done. Only 10 pages left. The next step is to become more active, to take me and my plans seriously. I can do it at work, so why not with the projects that matter most to my heart?
Oh, I can understand about the cougar being scary! We had a house cat and cats are quite unpredictable. Meeting a cougar in the wild is sure something I would like to avoid, the same for bears. Well, here they don’t exist anyways. Yesterday I googled dangerous animals in Germany and there are a few. We have a fish, snakes, and jellyfish that are poisonous, but most of the time these animals are too shy and you seldomly encounter them. And I hadn’t even heard of the fish.
Today I have finished one of my drawings for project B and there is not too much left to paint! I am very happy with the project and will be proud when I finish it. I am slow as a snail, but at least I am finishing the things I started. That’s something, right? Maybe with time, I can become better.
Also, I went to therapy and it was o.K. I will miss my therapist when therapy is over! For the goodbye, I plan to gift her a portrait of her.
Tomorrow is my workday. But after work, I still want to work more at home, so best to work on project B.
About being offline: yes, it is very good for me. I want to become more grounded in the real world, instead of distracting myself. It makes me feel so much better. When it is possible, I would like to find more human connections in the real world and live more fully than before. Now I have learnt that people who like me do exist and that I am o.K.
Have a good day and until tomorrow.
March 18, 2021 at 2:14 pm #376266AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
I am glad you are feeling calmer since you started your thread!
How interesting: yesterday, I wrote to you: “one month and ten days of Accountability!”- I meant is as something positive, something to make you feel good: that you intended to be Accountable every day, and indeed, you were accountable, posting every single day for a month and ten days.
Look how you interpreted my sentence: “hm, the accountability thread is more than a month old. Often I don’t get so much done. But the good thing is..”- you picked on something negative, something bad, in my sentence, something I did not think about at all when I wrote it to you: that you did not not accomplished enough in a month and ten days.
Now, please notice this: what I wrote in the above paragraph is not meant as criticism of you. It is meant to help you recognize further/ to be even more mindful of your (inner critic’s) tendency to interpret people’s words as negative criticism of you when there is no criticism there!
You see the negative about yourself when I (and some other people, in real-life) see the positive about you. You wrote it yourself in your most recent post: “I have learnt that people who like me do exist and that I am o.K”- correct!
About predators like cougars, their favorite prey is not humans- that’s my fortune as a human. They are not likely to attack humans although attacks on humans happen from time to time. I hope you have a restful night and a good work day tomorrow!
anita
March 19, 2021 at 1:00 pm #376287LilyParticipantDear anita,
yes, I knew that your words were meant positive. I did not think you were criticizing me. It was just that I felt I didn’t deserve that praise. Instead, I thought that most days I did not stick to my goals and wasn’t really accountable. Then I thought about what I actually accomplished: getting myself out of that bad mood.
What s true is that I see myself in a very negative light and there are people that see me in a more positive light. Often, when people know me better, some like me and a lot accept me and the ones that dislike me are not for me… But my negative thinking about myself gets triggered very easily and I still have to work on it.
About the cougars: good to know that they usually don’t attack humans. I hope your walks will be safe and relaxing for you!
Today at work everything was o.K. Some interactions were awkward, but I did my best in trying to help people. Now I feel very tired and will read for a bit.
It is the beginning of spring tomorrow! My plan is to celebrate it in some way! Other than that I have to clean our flat and work on my projects.
Until tomorrow!
March 19, 2021 at 3:06 pm #376291AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
Accountable yet again. I will read your post later and post to you again before tomorrow.
anita
March 19, 2021 at 7:34 pm #376349AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
I am glad you knew that I didn’t criticize you, and indeed I praised you- and you do deserve the praise! Thank you for wishing me safe walks, I carry a can of bear spray when I walk, to promote my safety. Happy beginning of Spring!
anita
March 20, 2021 at 1:17 pm #376359LilyParticipantDear anita,
thanks! I did not celebrate much, but at least I went for a walk. Then I cleaned our place and later I painted. Also, I tried to make the caramel cheesecake but failed with the caramel sauce. It turned too brown and then tasted bitter.
Maybe I can do small things during the next few days to celebrate spring. For example, repot my plants, go for walks or do something with herbs.
Tomorrow I still want to work on uni projects, maybe journal and stick to the times I set for myself. Also, do yoga in the morning.
Now I am feeling very tired. Last night I did not sleep very well and then I read a book that wasn’t very helpful. So this morning I felt anxious, but now am feeling much better. Just tired and I will go to sleep soon! Have a good day!
March 20, 2021 at 2:55 pm #376362AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
Accountable! I will reply a bit more in about 15 hours from now, maybe sooner. Good night!
anita
March 21, 2021 at 7:06 am #376365AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
I was curious about why the caramel sauce you prepared turned too brown and bitter, so I googled and it seems like you overcooked/ burned the sugar, and then added the cream: a bit of overcooking can cause the sugar to taste bitter. I hope you slept better last night, I did. I woke up this morning later than usual and that’s nice.
anita
March 21, 2021 at 12:36 pm #376372LilyParticipantDear anita,
you are right about the caramel! Today I tried again and heated up the sugar on lower heat. It worked and the sauce tasted perfect, just like the caramel bonbons from the store. The cake also turned out fine. A bit sweet, but I guess this is how it’s supposed to be. Actually, I prefer preparing a cake instead of eating it. Something about it just feels so homely.
Last night I slept well and how nice that you also slept well! It is a good feeling to wake up refreshed from sleep!
In the morning I also did yoga for 40 minutes. I really want to do yoga every day now. It makes me feel better, as often my upper back hurts, and after yoga, it hurts less. It’s also good for my mental health and for staying flexible.
Later I also finished two pages for project B. Only 8 pages left now, over 100 done! I am feeling positive that I can finish it soon and there are a lot of quality paintings in the sketchbook too!
Tomorrow I want to start my day with yoga again and with no internet. Then I want to work on project B, but also on C. Later I want to journal about my goals and cook a healthy meal.
Until tomorrow!
March 21, 2021 at 12:45 pm #376373AnonymousGuestDear Lily:
Accountable! Glad you slept well, that your caramel cake came out well and that you had a good day. It just so happens that I am having a home cooked Sunday brunch right now, eating a spicy Indian crepe with potatoes, onions, mustard. I hope you have another restful night and that your upper back feels better and better!
anita
March 22, 2021 at 1:03 pm #376411LilyParticipantDear anita,
thank you for your good wishes! Hope your day was also good!
Indian crepe with potatoes onion and mustard sounds great! I love Indian food! One day I would like to make a whole meal with curries, bread, dal, and chutneys… And then eat it together with friends. Maybe in the future…
Today I made ratatouille and it was good. My roommate also tried my cake and she liked it. So it was worth it 🙂
My day was o.K., maybe still too much distraction. But in the morning I did 40 minutes of yoga (but during some harder parts of the practice I paused) and I finished 3 pages of project B. Later I talked to my sister. I am feeling o.K. but think I should be more productive and disciplined.
Tomorrow I want to start the day with yoga again and then work in the morning and afternoon on my projects.
Until tomorrow!
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
Lily.
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This reply was modified 3 years, 8 months ago by
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