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Adult daughter and my craziness

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This topic contains 8 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 8 months ago.

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  • #186181

    Happy in Page
    Participant

    Hi,

    My married pregnant daughter and her husband moved in about 3 months ago. I don't even know how to act around them. I'm either mad at them or I'm feeling worthless and rejected. The only reason they live with me in my tiny house of 700 sq feet is because I'm the only family member that has room for them.  They're 6 hours away from his family and her inlaws. My daughter has made it clear she prefers her inlaws and would rather be with them. My daughter is verbally and emotionally abusive and has been for about 3 or 4 years. She hints I should leave and leave them alone but it's my home.

    I'm frustrated and unhappy so I've been telling everyone that will listen about my problems. Today I feel horrible and wish I hadn't said anything to anybody but my counselor. If she discovered I've been talking about her to my friends she would hate me forever. This situation isn't helping my struggles with personal acceptance and my self worth.

    My daugher received an inhertance of 40,000 last April. The money is gone. Yesterday she told me that she would prefer not to pay me the $300 monthly rent because it would make her finances easier. Seriously? My counselor tells me to stay neutral, to not lash out at her, and to setup healthy boundaries. But how? She scares me.

    #186191

    Meander
    Participant

    Wow I just have to say how wonderfully generous you are allowing your daughter to stay-especially with all the heartache that brings for you. You should feel really proud of all you are doing for your family!

    I think your feelings of frustration are totally understandable. It's not selfish to think of your own needs-try not to let anyone take advantage of your generosity.

    #186291

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Happy in Page:

    I hope the situation for you improves and that you feel better soon.

    I was wondering: when did the troubles in the relationship with your daughter begin?

    Also, your counselor told you to “not lash out at her”. I suppose this means you are in the habit of lashing out at her, and if so, what does lashing out at her consists of: what do you say to her?

    anita

    #186293

    anita
    Participant

    * did not submit correctly…

    #187677

    Mark
    Participant

    Anyone looking from the outside in would tell you to kick your daughter and son-in-law out and get another counselor.

    Your feeling worthless, rejected, frustrated and unhappy are all signs that your life is not working.

    Your living situation are the external factors contributing to it.  The internal factors are your self worth which does not seem that your current therapist is helping in.

    I know that solutions are easier to say than to do.

    Wish you well.

    #187783

    Happy in Page
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>Hi, I couldn't log in but I finally managed. My lashing out included yelling, screaming, throwing dishes on the floor and calling my daughter names. Hard to say but problems started when she was 12. It's been awful for both of us. Working 55 hours plus studying for a master's degree left each of us isolated, frustrated and alone. It's only recently that she told me that the sexual assaults by her first boyfriend was the catalyst for her behavior. Underlying is the thought that I abandoned her to my job. I was a single parent for those 12 years, her father committed suicide when she was two. You're right about my life not working well. I had a total breakdown, I sold everything nice we had and moved to the middle of nowhere with a man that couldn't cope with the arguments and behaviors. I moved out because we argued constantly. My daughter and I ended up living in an old unfinished trailer. With lots of help from the community the trailer is finally livable. Still old and banged up but warm and dry.</p>

    #187831

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Happy in Page:

    In your original post you share that your adult pregnant daughter has been verbally and emotionally abusive to you in the past 3 to 4 years and that she scares you. In your most recent post you shared that you yelled and screamed at her, throwing dishes on the floor and calling your daughter names. And that problems with your daughter started when she was about 12.

    My mother too yelled and screamed at me when I was 12, before and after, destroying property during her explosions of rage, calling me names. Those were scary and painful experiences for me that greatly harmed me. There is nothing a girl wants more than to see her mother happy. To see one's mother losing control, raging, punishing, is a very damaging experience for a child.

    It would have meant a lot to me, if sometime along the way, during my adulthood, if not earlier, that my mother would express honest regret for having scared me so badly, hurt me so much.

    My mother never expressed such regret. I wonder if you expressed such, to your daughter, if you are honestly regretful, that is, if such sincere regret can help improve your relationship with her…?

    anita

    #187897

    Happy in Page
    Participant

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    <div>Hi , your concern helps me. I feel less stress and more loveable. We talked and apologized to each other. I'm pretty good at apologies. But I continue to struggle with my thoughts. I feel deep shame that goes back to my earliest memories of my mom. Often I act on what I think people said. My thoughts don't reflect reality. My cognitive distortions still tend to run my life. I take meds and go to counseling. I walk to work, I have a great support network yet I still feel unloved and rejected.</div>
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    #187899

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Happy in Page:

    You naturally loved your mother, I have no doubt. And you daughter naturally loved you. Deep inside she still does. It was your betrayal of her love that has been fueling her anger.

    However difficult your life circumstances have been, when she was a child, and you behaved aggressively toward her, you betrayed her love and trust in you.

    You may know how it felt to her, how it feels, if you experienced something similar, having been betrayed by your own mother?

    You wrote that you “still feel unloved and rejected”- I hope this gets corrected. CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) when done effectively is effective in correcting the cognitive distortions you mentioned.

    In the context of your relationship with your daughter- you had her full, undivided, uncompromised love, as the child that she was, and it is still a deep part of her. I suggest you don't expect or demand or pressure her in any way to cause you to feel loved. She already did her best in that regard. How do I know? Because children do everything they can to reach out to a parent, with love.

    anita

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