Hi Zuls!

When you told him you need more effort, what did you say specifically?  Did you generalize it as “I need more effort” or did you specifically say “I would like kisses hello and goodbye,” and “I’d like to go on a date twice a month (or whatever time frame)?”  I think people do much better when they are given specifics, especially if they’re on a different page. He’s right that everyone loves differently. That’s why there are 5 “love languages” rather than just 1, so he may just not at all understand why you feel this way, but only because he doesn’t need the same things you do to feel loved.

So… if you were general with him, I would talk to him about it one more time. When you talk to him about it, don’t criticize (not saying you are, but just mentioning this because a lot of people do) or accuse, as in “You don’t put in much effort,” or “you won’t take me on dates,” as that can make the other person shut down and stop listening. Instead, frame the questions like I said above “I would really love it if you’d give me a kiss hello and goodbye.”  “I would appreciate it so much if we could go on a date a couple times a month, that would really make me feel loved.” and go from there. Just that framing alone can make someone more receptive because we do want to please the ones we love, especially when they’re specifically telling us how to in such a loving way.

With that said, I don’t think you’re asking too much at all and I don’t think you need to shift your mindset either, because what you need to feel loved in a relationship is what you need (and that’s okay!) and what you’re looking for are really such simple, small things, but I think, if you haven’t already, you should make sure you are verbalizing to him specifically what you’d like him to do. However, if you’ve been specific with your needs and he just brushes it off and can’t do those simple things for you, I’d begin to further consider the option of leaving because you deserve to have your needs met, too. Perhaps he just needs a wake-up call in that case to shake him out of the comfort zone he’s in.