Dear Andrew132:
Ditto. i don’t fit in either. Here’s the two of us then, an alien-club of two.
anita

hello andrew123,

thankyou for sharing. I battled with social anxiety for 3 years but learned to overcome it.
Those 3 years feel like a dark shadow. I could only remember hiding under my blanket, refusing to exit that front door of my house due to the fear of seeing people, crowds so I developed a hatred for many of the places you mentioned above. I do agree with you that humans are upredictable and hard to understand especially when that person is no one else but you. I did not understand why I feared people so much and felt like fainting away in fear when a person in the mall looked at me. But along this experiences I came to learn a few of things that I feel could help you too:
1. past: I began meditation not long ago and being able to sit down and observe my mind with a third eye i was able to see the little suffering child who was bullied in 9th grade because she looked different to the rest of her friends, hence developing a conditioning of thoughts and reactions whenever anyone looked at me. we need to see into the root cause by looking into ourselves. There is always a reason behind the way we feel, even if it is a feeling of confusion. And when we know this we could find natural ways to heal that inner child.
2. Self-acceptance: When i was able to recognize that the girl from the past is calling for my attention, to be heard I knew that I had to do something to ease her wounds so the present me could enjoy the wonders of being me; the small, skinny quirky woman. To be honest i struggled even to this day to fully accept and embrace my flaws because I cannot help but compare myself to others. By being judgemental of myself, I am more compelled to judge others to make myself feel better. But with the practice of mindful meditation,when you breath in you can return to nurture that flawed inner child and breathing out you smile because you know that no matter what you will still love that child with all his or her imperfections. If you are able to do this you will be able to enjoy being you hence begin to focus in cultivating that self-love and forget about the nuisance in the outer world. Like the quote you may not be able to change people but you can change yourself. i solely believe there is a turning point when you begin to acknowledge your own presence.
Nameste

Dear Andrew,

I kinda get it tbh – I have had social anxiety for years. I remember a time in my earlier years when i couldnt look at people in the eye while talking. Even mustering the courage to talk to them was even a greater issue. My voice is still low-pitch, i look here and there etc Its a mixture of fear and dislike – I used to dislike myself and truly believed with my heart that there is nothing about me that is likable. I am weird. I am not one of them (ironically i didnt want to one of them either). I still have days when i believe this inner voice but i know that there is so much good in me too whatever anyone says/thinks.

After all these years, I have understood two things – there are shitty people everywhere but here’s the deal – no one is perfect just like me. Some are better at pretending to keep up with the facade than others. However, despite our appearances, everyone has a back story of sorts. We are all different and yet the same – I have learnt to dodge people who are truly toxic to me in terms of their behavior (they treat me badly, are rude, unnecessarily pushy, callous as heck) rather than focus on their idiosyncrasies so much. I got mine too. I understood that no matter how much i thought about the world, the people will go one existing like me – How i view the world is often colored by how i see myself. When i am comfortable with myself and get closer to knowing who i really am, what i truly want, the more accepting i become of others. The second thing is empathy – there is more to people than meets the eye. I have understood this time and again. Try to put yourself in their shoes and feel what they feel. If it doesnt make sense to you, just laugh internally and tell yourself that okay, i cant crack this one nd will keep dodging the bullet as long as i can 😛

How has this process of change come about?

a) Step by step exposure – as Inky rightly pointed out, start with a safe zone and slowly, step by step push yourself – the only way to reduce your fears is by facing them gradually. About 1.5 years back, i couldnt imagine myself going to parties or meeting people outside my friends zone. Now i approach others, deal with conflicts with people more openly, express my anger more freely and know how to negotiate in professional situations too. This will not happen in a day but with effort over time, you will get more comfortable. I remember a time when stepping out of the house, i felt like an alien, as if everyone was staring at me – thinking, God i am so weird, ugly and hating them in a way for being all laughing, in groups etc. Now walking and going to places alone, eating alone in restaurants in the center itself is not an issue. How did this happen?

Practise

b) Understanding my needs better and slowly letting people in despite being betrayed, hurt beyond measure before – I admit it, I am cynical and suspicious of people as heck even now. I realized though, post-suicide attempts and terrible loneliness, feeling like a burden, hating people, longing for them – after all the confusion – “People enrich our lives with experiences and ideas but they cant complete it. Only we complete ourselves” – the happier you are with yourself, the easier it is to open up to others.

I am not really giving advice really. Its more like i am trying to share how i got closer to overcoming the issue. Please try whatever works for you. Its always good to get fresh ideas on an issue. I hope the others add to this discussion too.

Regards,
Moon

Hi Andrew

I feel the same way sometimes, especially about the kinds of people you described. Still, it’s a relief to know we’re not the only ones who feel that way, yes? I used to hate walking to the shops, especially in my hometown – for some reason I used to have obnoxious lads who would shout stupid things at me as they drive by in their cars (one one occasion they tried to throw eggs at me as well, they missed I might add!) Has that kind of thing ever happened to you?

I’ve encountered many people like the ones you have described – you know when you just think to yourself, “they are not my kind of people”. The more often I think about them, the more I am just overcome with annoyance about them. But it’s not worth getting bothered about it, we all have our own lives to lead…

Yet at the same time I also believe that not everybody out there is completely hopeless. We just have to find “our kind of people” – I’m not saying it’s easy but I do believe they are out there, somewhere…

What are your interests? Have you considered maybe volunteering for an organization which specialises in those interests, or maybe find a club or evening class which also specialises in that particular interest?

I do some volunteering at the public library on Saturday. Libraries tend to be quiet places. Most libraries also do a whole range of clubs, classes, activities and meetings. I also love helping people out – helping them to find a particular book, helping my co-workers tidy the shelves up a bit, helping somebody to use the computer…(And of course the ulterior motive of sneaking a read at the amazing books when I should be doing my work >:D )

I hope this helps 🙂

J

Oh yes, I’m all too familiar with being shouted at from vans as well by obnoxious workmen. My guess is they choose to shout horrid things at passers-by just to show off in front of their friends or work colleagues – it makes them appear tough and cool (when it clearly doesn’t). They’re probably cowards themselves, they think they can shout mean things at people and then they are able to drive off with a swift getaway. I doubt they would say mean things outside the van – they wouldn’t have the guts to say those things when you would be standing next to them or if they were on their own. I just tell myself they are a bunch of fully-grown men who still act and behave like childish school bullies, and quite frankly it’s tragic. They probably have a lot of insecurities about themselves and they can only feel better when they are intimidating passers-by.

I don’t think those kinds of people are doing it personally – with the egg-throwing episode which happened almost last Christmas, I don’t think those stupid lads decided to get in their car that day, buy a carton of eggs from Farmfoods or wherever and go out of their way to find me and throw eggs. My dad told me something similar happened to him before in the same area I was nearly egg-ambushed. They don’t know me, I was just unfortunate enough to be there when they drove past me in their Ford Fiesta. Some people just haven’t got anything better to do with their time besides throwing things at unsuspecting pedestrians.

My sister has had bad experiences with similar kinds of people as well – usually lads who honk their horns as they drive past and wolf-whistle (despite the fact I am walking with her as well, wasn’t best pleased about that!) She also had the rubbish collectors wolf-whistle at her while she was on her way to the train station – my sister isn’t the kind of person to put up with that kind of nonsense so she stuck her fingers up at the men, they started swearing at her and shouting all kinds of disgusting, degrading things at her. We phoned the local council to complain about them, and even after the complaint was made they still insist on shouting horrid things at her so we have had to complain about them again. It makes me wonder though, these men think it’s okay to behave so disgusting towards girls yet they probably wouldn’t be happy if other people were to say disgusting things about their wives, daughters, sisters or mothers.

The point I’m trying to make here is, these creeps didn’t go out of their way to launch a personal attack on somebody that day, they are just low-life who are desperate to show off in front of their co-workers. They think they are funny and tough but they are not, they are really pathetic. They are probably so bored with their own lives they have to get cheap thrills by being rude to people. It doesn’t matter who you are, anybody in their line of sight gets shouted at or pelted with eggs. But next time an obnoxious van-driver decides to shout at you again, see if the company’s phone number is printed on the side of the van and report them.

And I wish you the best of luck with the volunteering side of things 🙂