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Advise on Moving on Without Resentment

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This topic contains 5 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 4 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #207123

    Anna
    Participant

    Hello,

    I had a very wonderful relationship for about a year and a half. My partner was one of my best friends and we were very good together. We both moved but ended up about two hours away from one another. We had a very difficult time determining whether we should break up or attempt the long distance relationship. We tried both a long distance relationship, and attempting to be just friends and neither worked very well. We stopped talking about two months ago after he confessed that he was not feeling the same anymore. The time apart certainly helped both of us begin to move on. Him more than me.

    We are however back in the same city for the summer and we share the same group of friends here. After a few days of avoiding each other we talked briefly over coffee and hung out with our group of friends. I loved seeing him and we had a great time catching up and laughing together. I want very badly for him to be a part of my life. I also am very much still in love with him so I know that I should not spend too much time with him.

    So, I am seeking advise on how to move on from a past relationship without harboring resentment. We are young and both each others' first serious relationships so I am not angry with him because his emotions changed. I do not want to push him out of my life completely but the way I feel the most okay about the end of our relationship is to think of him in a negative light- that he is selfish and superficial and fearful of intimacy. I would like any advise on moving on without resentment and how to effectively deal with the emotions of someone falling out of love with you.

     

    Thank you very much.

    Any words are very helpful.

    #207131

    pink24
    Participant

    Hey Anna,

    I have some experience with this, unfortunately 🙁   And I can honestly say, as someone who chose to continue the relationship thinking I could ‘fix it', or make him love me again, the most painful feeling in the world is not feeling loved by your partner.  There are just no two ways about it.

    So when old feelings come up, instead of thinking bad thoughts about him,  think to yourself: I deserve love. I deserve someone who's sure about me, who loves me with his whole heart.

    I'd also recommend no contact. I know that's hard since you have the same friends, but maybe find a guy to flirt with for the summer. It's the summer! And if you do see your ex or his friends, drop a line about your imaginary fabulous new boyfriend. The point is to distance yourself and protect yourself.  Because I mean really, you deserve someone who appreciates your maturity, level-headedness and thoughtfulness. If that isn't worthy of love, I'm just not sure what is.

    Good luck 🙂

    Pink

    #207129

    Lemon07
    Participant

    You say that you are still very much in love with him – so it’s probably best to still keep space between you. Being around an ex generally doesn’t work unless you are both on the same page that neither of you have expectations of ever again being together. Surround yourself with friends and keep busy – you’ll see that life will introduce a new suitor before you know it!

    #207199

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    You want to stop feeling resentment, anger, that is at your ex boyfriend. You wrote: “I am not angry with him because his emotions changed”- why are you angry at him then?

    I ask because understanding your anger at him is the beginning of resolving it.

    anita

    #207389

    Airene
    Participant

    Hello Anna,

    I agree with Pink24 about having no contact, especially if being in contact with him puts you in distress, or if you are in contact with him because you hope he might have a change of heart.  It sounds like at this point, it might be too much for you to be around him as a friend.

    You ask how to move on without resentment.  It might help to remind yourself that your relationship had the challenge of distance.  This has nothing personal to do with your character or his.  It's just a circumstance of the relationship.  There is also the fact that this was the first serious relationship for both of you.  If this changed his feelings, it really has nothing to do with you or your character.  It's just a fact of the relationship.

    You ask how to deal with the emotions of someone falling out of love with you.  Because this is your first serious relationship, I imagine this is just heartbreaking.  I hope you are able to recognize and acknowledge at some point that his “falling out of love with you” (is that what he said, by the way?  Or is that what you interpreted?) probably has about less than .01% to do with you and the rest is all about him and where he's at in his life.  It's human nature to feel that as rejection, but if you really think about it, he wasn't rejecting you as much as he was rejecting the situation.  He changed his mind.

    You, however, seem to be in a place in your life that was just fine having him by your side.  And that is something you now know about yourself – that you are ready for a serious, committed relationship.  And you deserve that from someone who is able to give you that.

    The hard thing about loving someone unconditionally and deeply is that the love may stop one day, or it might not be returned in the way you want or need it.  If you're feeling resentment, maybe you can find a way to read that as gratitude – because he told you, and now you are free to move forward and find someone who will love you the way you deserve.

    Please post again, and just know that things will get better.

    Airene

    #207431

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    It stings because he was the one to feel lukewarm first.

    This is what will (eventually) happen: As the months/seasons go by, you will see him or see pictures of him, and you will realize that he's not that great. THAT you will resent. You will be embarrassed at yourself. There will be an element of “HE dumped ME?  Is he nuts?”

    On the flip side, this summer, he SHOULD see you. Once. You will be in a (new) sun dress with shades, laughing. A cute date by your side will be even better. And then, and then… he won't see you again for the rest of the summer. One time in late July your mutual friends will gladly tell him you will be there soon, soon, don't worry, old boyfriend….. but no, sorry, you and Andre forgot you have the hiking group/concert/Burning Man/wedding. Maybe Labor Day??

    Anyway, that's what will happen.

    His loss, which he WILL feel keenly, I promise.

    Inky

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